Does Anyone Else Think They Must Have Been Hitler (This One's For Fin)

[Luthien]

Something Fin said is "Is It Possible To be A Victim Of Violent Trauma" thread brought this up. I could so identify with the things she said and the questions she has, that I just had to ask. Anyone else?

Do you feel like you must have been Hitler in a past life? Stalin? Pontious Pilate? Pick your villain.

Do you think that you must have done something to deserve what happened to you?

Do you think that something you did must have contributed to it?

Do you ever ask yourself why me? Or say "If I didn't have bad luck, I wouldn't have any luck at all?

I am constantly bombarded by these questions. I think I must have done something awful to have deserved the life I've had. But I can't figure what it might have been, so I've come to the conclusion that I must have been Hitler in my past life...maybe that is why I have been hurt so in this one.

When I am not blaming my circumstances on my "super-distant-other-lifetime-crimes", I am convinced that it must be luck, and I just have VERY VERY bad luck.

I sit and wonder why it happened to me, and why I wasn't stronger, why I didn't hit him harder, or run, instead of hyperventillating and crying like a frozen deer that couldn't think for the life of her how to escape....

I can't seem to get over the why of it...sometimes I am just convinced the whole thing was my fault and that somehow I could have changed it...somehow.

Does anyone else feel like this? Are you caught up in the why, and angry about what happened. Do you feel like if you could just blame it on someone or something, that your healing process would be easier?

I am just wondering what you do when your head runs on like this.

My positive for this post is that I am sometimes able to realize how totally messed up my thought process is. I am asking you all for your strategies in coping with these thoughts of self blame, and negative thinking such as "I must have the worst luck in the world".

Because today i am able to see that my thinking is faulty, and I know that it couldn't have been my own fault, this one is for Fin.

Fin, it wasn't your fault, hun. You didn't bring it on. You couldn't have done anything differently, because your brain is wired to react the way you did. Your responses were normal. You probably can't stop it from ever happening again, because it just isn't in your control...all you can do is work on now, and be cautious in the future. Work on now...because that is what you have now, and what you can change.

Anyone else have anything they would like to add?

For all of us out there that get stuck in our thoughts, and can't seem to see the truth of the matter.

 

[fin]

It wasn't your fault Luthien and it wasn't my fault either.

There are things that happen that are beyond our control, and there are just plain evil/ bad people out there that do things to other people just because they can. Because they are wired that way and we are the nearest thing to be able to do their shit to.

And I dont think that either of us are looking for someone else to blame. I think we are trying to understand. TRying to make some sense of what happened to us. And trying to understand what world it is that we live in. And that is a struggle and sometimes we get lost in it and just want to blame...and end up blaming ourselves, perhaps that feeds in on what has already been "programmed" into us by our lives so far.

And the thing is we may never know.... we may never know why us, we may never have that answer.

Its doing what we can now.
Understanding not the warped twisted people that did these horrendous things to us,
but understanding ourselves and getting back on some positive track that allows us to be as free from our past as we can be. And not just free but able to live to really live...with or without the PTSD, whatever...

ITS TAKING BACK THE CONTROL
We can have lives with this. Its learning again to have life, its learning how to believe in ourselves again. And learning how to live with the PTSD and all its stuff, what to do when its automatic things kick in so they become not automatic but we can control it. And how to live despite the PTSD...it doesnt have to be who we are Im sure.

I dont want to be defined by *my/the PTSD. I dont think any of us does which is why we are here now...we are on the paths to taking back our lives.

*I wrote "my" there, because I believe that in doing that I am taking some control even if it is just in what I say about it. I have to take control of it somehow ...and maybe not look on it as something that has a hold on me, perhaps seeing it as something I just have to carry around because its there so I am acknowledging it. Rather than the PTSD latching on to me, controling me, having me in some vice like grip...I am owning it PTSD? I am taking charge and this horrible thing can be "wrestled down" this in some way now is me fighting back. (I dont now if I put that right I was going to say tamed but that just doesn't seem to be a strong enough word)
I am owning my life....I am taking charge?

WE ARE TAKING CHARGE OF OUR LIVES

now all I need to do is figure out how to really believe the good stuff and how to get the PTSD to chill out.

Hey...(oh I could start going now with this -maybe new post Luthien)

WOW Luthien your thread title.... got me to sit up and listen thats for sure

~fin

 

[fin]

there is hopefully something to be added here I got timed out in editing...it has been forwarded

 

[beatle_bailey]

Luthien
I think Fin got it right .
a Friend of mine { myforeman at the time } got neumonia . and why me , He would got on to say I live a good life ,go to church , treat people right and eork hard sand so on .
I looked him srtaight in the eyes and said why not you . He was taken aback .
I went on to explain . now I know the kind of life I have led explains many of the things thaat have happened to me . But I still had the same question , but was later told by somone . Bad things Happen to Good people , and basicly I am a good person, just made many bad choices .
I blaim no one for the things that have happened to me , all the drinking and driggin I did , well my parents just did the best they could with what they knew . All the car wrecks , well I mostly was just in to much of a hurry .
If you believe in reincarnation , maybe we get a chance to get it right this time or the next .
really duz it matter . what we do now and how we treat others matters . that mean our self to . It seems we are all trying to help our self in hear . try to help others as well . That will make you feel better about yourself also.
But in truth who knows the answer or the real questions that matter .
Beaetl Bailey

 

[Kunoichi]

Beatle,

I agree! "rain falls on both the good and the bad". The fact is too that some of these bad people...have had bad stuff happen to them too. I think that many just don't feel sorry for them because of the acts they have committed. (for instance my abuser had his mom die from cancer when he was a young boy, had no father, was involved in gangs, had no real relationship, grew up poor etc) now that doesn't excuse his behavior or make me feel compassion for what he has done to me..but it makes me have compassion on him as a PERSON...not for his actions.

 

[fin]

this one is dangerous for me here Kunoichi....this was how I let my husband back in...And allowed someone else to continually treat me badly............and a couple of other people...as long as I kept understanding for him/her/them to a greater level than I was feeling for myself...I continued to let them all back in and I had trouble with what would then follow.

I spent 6 years trying to help my ex get help and I got treated worse and worse and I kept letting him back because I wanted him to have a better life. And HE soooo DIDNT care that what he was doing to me impacted in on all the other stuff that I was coming with.
He REALLY DIDNT CARE IN ANY WAY SHAPE OR FORM what I had had happen to me or what effect he was having on me through any of what he did . And he didnt care about what he did to me...and I just kept thinking it was because this happened or that happened to him....BUT IT WASNT HE JUST DIDNT CARE AND HE ENJOYED EVERY BAD THING HE DID.

....and I kept thinking stay with it...(Oh and I didnt let him back in the sense of letting him back as married man and wife...just coming in thru the door was an excuse for him to carry on abusing me)...I know this might be interpreted as me sending mixed messages and maybe it was and could be seen like it......

....but that was the problem I had with my trying to understand someone else above and over me. But because I understood what effect being treated like shit could have....
(you get where I am going with this I hope)


I absolutely get the understanding for others I really do...I just need to be careful about keeping myself safe and if that means that for a while I dont have to be understanding for the people that helped bring me to this point ...then I will have to live with that.



that isnt meant to sound harsh...just in case it did....*(and this isnt me saying that it isnt meant to sound harsh as an excuse to saying anything which might have come across as harsh).

~fin

 

[Kunoichi]

Fin,

I agree with you completely and no you didn't sound harsh at all. I wasn't trying to say that because my abuser had a harsh life, that it means I should forgive him, or that it means i should give him a second chance.

Rather, for me, I am able to forgive him as a person, not his actions. (meaning that even though I will never ever allow him to do what he did to me, I won't harbor hatred for him either). Even though i will never forgive his actions, I will forgive him as a human being (if i can even call him as such).

No one has a right to treat you the way that he did hun and i"m sorry that he kept doing that, i am only glad that you are away now. *hugs

Stay safe hun

Kunoichi

 

[morgan]

fin, I used to be exactly like that. I would make so many excuses for my exes to treat me the way they did and I never put myself first. I totally relate to your post. Now I do put myself first as I know there is nothing I can do to help other people if I don't help myself first. I also know that not everybody wants help even if they say they do. It is often just part of the manipulation to claim the desire for help. Which tells me they know that they are wrong yet do it anyway. **** them! They can take that shit elsewhere.

What I can do for me is to know that they are sick and give them to god to deal with. They are his problem not mine anymore.

Thanx for your post. I really got something out of that.

 

[freya]

Luthien, trying to go into your questions... I have much more experience with having Bipolar disorder and psychosis than I am familiar with PTSD...
What you wrote about thinking you must have been Hitler reminds me of psychosis... people who are very depressed think they are a reincarnation of Hitler or that they are the devil himself... (People who are manic psychotic tend to think they are Napoleon, or Jesus...).

I think it's very natural to want to be able to blame yourself in a way, because that way maybe we can still think there was something we could have done, it gives an illusion of control maybe. But YOU are not the one to blame.

You wrote 'Do you feel like if you could just blame it on someone or something, that your healing process would be easier?'

I think you HAVE someone and some things to blame (and not yourself).... It's a matter of focus I think.

I read your (moved) thread on the introductions and I can only say I deeply admire you for being able to write about your experiences the way you did and for being who you are as you express yourself here.

Freya

 

[Luthien]

Some Clarification of Intent, and Reason Behind The Thread

I understand what you mean about the psychosis, and I am familiar with those types of delusions. However, I don't believe it is that case for me as I don't literally believe it to be the case, and it wasn't really what I was referring to.

I guess what I was getting at uses a Karmic system as its basis. The idea being that if you're good, and live a good life, help others, build up a good repertoire, you will move on to your next life with better circumstances than those you've left behind. If you're bad, and negative, hurting others and bringing destruction you accumulate a bad tab, and you're made to pay for it in the next life by being born to lower, and worse circumstances than you've left.

I do not identify myself with the Hindu religion, but sometimes I find myself believing that the Karma thing might have some basis in reality...I don't know...it is grasping at straws, but then, I think all religions are.

The meaning behind the Hitler thing was, for me, a way of explaining why I have been hurt so much, and so often. I don't literally believe I was Hitler...it is just a pattern of thinking I fall into when I am especially down, and struggling.

"If I were Hitler in the past, I would deserve this, then it would all make sense"...is what I am saying.

I would feel better if I had an explanation. An explanation that goes beyond three sick disgusting freaks choosing to hurt me, and being sexually aroused by my fear, and pain, and rejection. They terrorized me and got off on it.

That isn't enough for me. "They wanted to do it, and I happened to be there, so it happened, tough luck, get over it" I struggle with that a lot.

I think a lot of that is because they got away with it too...

When I am able to see clearly, like now, I know that there isn't ever going to be an explanation. I will never know why.

I also am able to see that it wasn't my fault, and that I shouldn't hate myself for not being able to escape, or protect myself, or for letting them get away with it when they were finished.

I just wanted to bring the issue up, because I know I am not alone, and because I wanted to see how others are able to talk themselves out of that kind if thinking.

I want there to be a thread that I, or anyone can come to when they're starting to think like that again...a thread that will remind us of these basic facts.

1)it wasn't your fault

2) you couldn't have done anything differently, and you couldn't have changed it

3)you aren't bad for reacting the way you did afterwards

4) you are not weak for feeling the way you do now

5)you are a good person, but something bad happened to you..you didn't deserve it

6) nothing you did asked for it, or brought it on.

That kind of thing...those are all messages we need to see sometimes...and I want them to be there for whoever needs them.

If anyone else has similar, or other messages that can hep get out of that "there must have been a reason, maybe it was my fault" thinking...PLEASE add them below.

 

[A-RON]

Luthien,

In response to your last post, I think for me I was just naive. I lacked the character I thought I had. The self-help talk doesn't seem to work for me. Certain things were my fault, and those faults made me vulnerable to attack. Certain things I do now I "believe" are my fault (like my relationship with my family) even if I "feel" differently. Also, I think my point-of-view is a bit different than a lot that I've heard on here in that I don't "feel" like it's all my fault, but I "believe" it is. I "feel" very strongly that it's not my fault, and I want other people (such as my family) to understand how I "feel". But I tend to believe the logic of people who lack empathy, and I think that's what makes me feel guilty because it seems so logical. When I fight the guilt, that's me saying I "feel" like it's not my fault. Does that make any sense whatsoever? I don't know if I'm making sense.

By the way, I think Karma is a B****, and although I'm Catholic (or atleast faux Catholic), I really think there is something to the concept of Karma, although I believe it's all contained within the same existence. Anyway, as far as Karma goes, I will always feel guilty for walking out on the girl that could have been the love of my life prior to being walked out on by my gay abuser friend/supervisor/business partner that I unofficially had a fake-gay relationship with. I've wanted to go back to this girl and say how truly sorry I am for walking away, but I'm afraid it would only hurt her more. Granted, I was never abusive to her in any way, I just feel that if I ever meet my abuser again, I will kill him with my bare hands if necessary. I never want to see him again, and yet I know he will show up one day, someday.

I don't feel like Hitler anymore, but when I was friends with my abuser, I did. I never had put two and two together.

 

[freya]

Luthien, I hear you. I did not mean to suggest that your thinking could be psychotic, just mentioned that I was reminded of it. I think I understood what you meant very well.

I think the list you wrote was excellent. The hard part is letting it sink in and putting it into practice (for me).

Indeed like A-ron said, I could say that some of the things that happened to me (and I did not go through anything nearly as traumatic as you did, I have to say) were my fault, in a way. However I'm convinced that NO ONE ever means to bring on hurt, terror or misery on themselves. We all do the best we can, or so I like to believe.

For me personally - but please be aware it's just my personal thought/experience - it's helpful to look at events that happened to me as lessons, things to learn from. Even if the lessons are so bitter. That to me may also be the only way to make a little 'sense' of things. It works for me personally so far, but I'm very much aware that others see this very differently.
One of the traumatic experiences I had, for example, was having been locked up in an isolation cell for weeks. It's taken me a lot of time to process this and I doubt that I'm finished. Still I know that by now I'm also proud of myself and my strength, having endured that, and I can also say that I learned important things through going through that experience.

I'm not sure if what I'm saying is useful at all. If not, let me apologize beforehand.
Freya