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Does Anyone Ever Miss Their Abuser?

Discussion in 'Domestic Violence' started by Definitely..maybe, Dec 30, 2013.

  1. Beemo3780

    Beemo3780 Active Member

    I still have nightmares about my ex. They are always pretty vivid and terrible. I do not miss him. I rarely think about him aside from the fact that I have those reoccurring nightmares, and we have a teenage daughter together. Luckily for me, he has been prevented any contact with me for the past 6 years. My daughter lives with me, and has very limited contact with him. She sees him a total 2 weeks out of the year that is split up for holidays. The man terrifies me. I get angry with myself for remembering things about him.

    Recently, my daughter told me that he has held onto a lot of things that were mine, which I find strange. Insignificant things that had no meaning to me, but they were mine, and now they have become things he holds on to. He lives with his girlfriend too. He also talks about me a lot. I do not say his name unless I have to. I do not bring him up in conversation, and people know not to talk about him. My daughter witnessed his abuse of me, and she's protective of me when it comes to him. She's going off to college soon, and I hate that this has been part of her life, but she is one strong chick.

    Now, I find myself more so getting angry at all the time I wasted with him. I lost 12 years of my life living in fear, being abused, and being extremely isolated. I have health issues now, and panic attacks, anxiety, stupid fears of people in general. I'm lucky I got out alive, and I remarried a very wonderful guy, I have a great kid, and life is good. But it seems like I keep expecting all the chaos to come back, or for my ex to seriously hurt me again in the future. The man has turned into a ghost that haunts me.
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  3. selfcompassion

    selfcompassion Member

    There is an addictive component to this type of dynamic....trauma boding, etc. don't judge yourself, just continue to not act on it.
    Ronin likes this.
  4. Rosie11

    Rosie11 Policy Enforcement Banned

    So much. It's like I miss the good times for a minute but at the same time I am remembering all the awful stuff he did and am scared. But sometimes it seems like I just miss him again and it hurts.
  5. leslie82

    leslie82 Member

    I got back together with my ex like twice after the divorce. The first time for five months because he went to rehab, seemed to be serious about sobriety. Ditched his loser friends. Working. Going to meetings. Being a normal human being. He relapsed twice in those five months. Then relapsed when I bailed him out and then started up his shenanigans of taking off to get high. He took my car, I called the cops. He did a month. Then we didn't talk much all summer last year. Then I had him at my place a few weeks and then took him back to his mom's after a probation violation. Didn't talk much again as he started to use again. Then this year after his third rehab stint in four years, I let him come visit. It was supposed to be a week. Turned into almost 2 months. Started using again.

    I'm done at this point but there are moments I miss the good times but I realize they were few and far between. There wasn't really a lot of physical abuse. I mean the three times he hit me (I married him two months after the second time) were bad. He just loves meth more. Thats' when it happened on his withdrawals from meth.

    Now I just sit there and think why the hell did I put up with it so long? I thought I could change him. I thought I could get him to stay sober. But I can't. He will only change when he wants to change. I hope he gets some professional help and becomes a father to his kids but I'm not holding my breath. The oldest are almost 14 and 15. The next one is 9 and our daughter is almost 3. I think he's pretty well missed it with the oldest one. He seems to not want anything to do with him. For good reason. Four kids with three women...

    If I had met him AFTER all his criminal activity I wouldn't have ever dated him. But I met him when we were 18. My best friend dated his brother. He was my first. He wasn't so bad when I met him and I really never thought he was capable of hitting any women. I think some messed up crap happened to him in prison because before he went he was just an irresponsible idiot in his late teens, early 20s. I told him go get those demons taken care of. But I can't fix him. I can't help him. I can't worry about him. But the other day I did think about wanting to talk to him about a TV show we watched and basketball and stuff and it sucks. I wish I could cut out the deep part of my heart that still has a slight feeling for him. Cut it out like cancer.
    Bearlinda likes this.
  6. PocketoAlice

    PocketoAlice New Member

    I miss the time when things were more simple. The pain of violence and control is one thing, but living with yourself, the guilt, and trying to make sense of it all is a whole other story. I miss the way he used to make me feel, the pedestal he put me on even as he hurt me.

    However, I love having freedom and a more grounded, gentler soul. No matter how much I may miss the toxicity, I am always proud of living without.
    Bearlinda, lolamay and Rosie11 like this.
  7. Rosie11

    Rosie11 Policy Enforcement Banned

    I agree. Its much more simple to just give up and take all the violence and be controlled than standing up and fighting, but in the end, it is a much, much better life to be free :) So well worded.
    Bearlinda likes this.
  8. ymm81

    ymm81 New Member

    I do and I don't know why. I get so mad at myself when I think about the good times or find myself wishing he was holding me. It's strange because one minute I'm thinking about the good and then the fear comes back. I really thought I was the only person that had these thoughts.
  9. Vidistus

    Vidistus Member

    I know that he is two people, and I do think of it that way. But I'd never thought about imagining that the good person is dead. That's really helpful. I'm having a hard time to do and do miss him.
    Done13 and Simply Simon like this.
  10. Done13

    Done13 New Member

    Hi, Nicolette I just joined this site just to write this on your comment. I have been suffering for 2 years after leaving 2 different very abusive men that were very close to me. Not at the same time, lol, but I had known one before and ran to him for solace after leaving my husband. Then I saw the monster of him too. But he was worse for me bcs he had been a childhood love, well from about age 15 - so I have all of these VERY special memories around that time, I was deeply in love at that time and the man I was with later seemed like a completely different person. I suffer very much psychologically and emotionally because of this disparity. I feel angry a lot. Confused and tearful. But I just read what you wrote - it's very early morning bcs I can't sleep - and it was like an epiphany! I have very deep sensitive feelings and suddenly I could visualize that he had really died, that one that I knew as a teen and I felt something feel okay - at last! - in my heart. I then journaled which I rarely do as it seems ineffective (for me), about me as a teen, like I was that person, me as I was as a teen when I loved him - and that I found out that he had died. I even wrote about how (a random way, nothing bad) and that I went to the funeral with my parents and how sad it was and that I was then walking around my town quietly afterwards. I even got an ice cream and walked quietly though town. (I don't know why, it just popped in my head. I have a headache now so maybe the ice cream sounded cooling and comforting) I let myself (my now self) slightly think of the man that I met later (you know, the same but different person) and could feel like that really was some different man who just looked like him. I felt better. More like myself and not like being trapped in the nightmare I am usually in. I think it's okay too and that I'm not in denial but at peace. And that that teen could cry and feel sad but then feel like she was alone again but okay. Herself being quiet and accepting he was now gone from this earth but able to carry on. Walk around quietly, be okay. Sorry this is so long but I'm blown away. Like you said, I have tried so many things, including just time and I would NEVER have thought of this. I've thought it feels like that person died but I never let myself think of it in a more concrete way but forced my mind to keep contrasting the two which has driven me slightly mad. I'm going to try this with the other man too but I'll take a breather and just let this sink in about the childhood person. I feel like something has gone back into place in my mind. I always wrote imaginings when I was a teen and younger too and I think that was a healthy thing for me to do to deal with my family and stuff, but as I got older I thought I had to "face reality" head on kind of thing. But now you've made me realize there's nothing wrong at all about using my imagination to help me deal with it. Thank you, thank you, thank you. I've sighed and felt like myself for the first time in forever. Thank you. And I agree with Definitely..maybe that you are a genius!

    You also made me realize @Nicolette that when I've tried to journal more recently I've written everything very factually and then about my anger and why I'm angry but I never feel much better after I do that. As a child through teen years I journalled a lot but it was more fanciful or just stream of consciousness but with imagination thrown in. Sometimes I just wrote pure fictional entries imagining I was somewhere - anywhere. I think with ptsd I've been afraid to leave the cold reality in case I get tricked again or hurt. But that's not how I coped all the rest of my life - in fact leaving reality a bit I think used to make me a more calm person while dealing with everyday stuff. I'm going to experiment with this. And feel like my self that has been buried for awhile, wants to be free again.

    @Definitely..maybe Yes, absolutely this happens to me as you say in worst moments. When he was acting as a caring person he would cheer me up if something (other than him) was getting me down. He had little things, sayings he said to me, calling me a pet name, or even just making toast and tea and it felt so comforting at the time. Now I'm alone a lot, lost, hurt and when I'm have an especially hard time or even if someone was mean to me on the phone for some reason I sometimes suddenly think of him and wish he was there being a warm body and someone that knows and loves me and cares about me and cheering me up, someone that thinks I'm cute and adorable and has a special smile just for me. I miss him. And then I remember the other part. And there's lots of that, then I just feel sad and confused. Yes, I get this even after 2 years.
    Last edited by a moderator: Sep 12, 2017
    Simply Simon likes this.
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