Dom Violence Does Anyone Ever Miss Their Abuser?

[Definitely..maybe]

I hate this so much, but the man who would push me down the stairs one minute would hold and comfort me the next minute.

I still have dreams about loving him. It's so sick- I know.

I know I don't truly miss him, but in my worst moments I do (even though he caused significant physical and emotional damage).

Can anyone relate?

 

[Nicolette]

What you say makes sense @Definitely..maybe and I can relate. You yearn for the 'nice' part of them - that is what I missed but unfortunately the two sides come as a package.

Occasionally I have a dream and he is the sweet boyish, charming man......... it's a bit like poisoned fruit.

 

[Definitely..maybe]

@Nicolette those dreams seem like nightmares when I wake up! Thank you for your understanding:)

 

[Nicolette]

@Definitely..maybe there are nightmares too. I just don't speak about them much as I've had bad dreams over a variety of issues since I was a child. Some people say it's our subconscious sorting through the thoughts stuff :whistle:

The way I worked through my ex husband and letting go, as it took me way too long, was by believing the man I had loved had died and now had been replaced by some other man that looked like him but whom I didn't know. Maybe you can find something which works for you? :)

 

[Definitely..maybe]

@Nicolette you are BRILLIANT. That mindset helps beyond words, I'm going to try my best to continue to look at it through those lenses.

I always saw my abuser as two people, the man who obsessively adored me and the man who was a monster. Believing he is dead and gone seems healing and peaceful. Thank you so much.

(And thank you for this sister site! I feel like I have a whole new community to belong to now.) :love:

 

[Nicolette]

That mindset helps beyond words

My pleasure and glad to be of some help. Sometimes sharing opens doors you would have never considered ;)

 

[Meadowsweet]

I have times of missing people who have abused. But I think it is more missing the person I saw, and the person I loved. It's also missing the side of me that saw the beauty in a man, and didn't see the abuse. It's an innocence and trusting that I feel I've lost.

 

[p-no]

Can anyone relate?

How timely I come across this thread... Yes, I can relate. It's the positive side of "them", the positive, caring, loving things they did... the fact that "they" have both sides to them that makes it so hard for me to forget "them" and move on. I sometimes think it would be so much easier if there weren't that "good side". Then I try to think of mathematics and how plus times minus is always minus, if that makes sense. Then I am back to feeling the anger (reasonable anger being there for a reason!) and then I get active. It is very difficult for me during the nights with regard to my fairly recent ex. Because I am tired and can't get active. So I watch tv, surf the net, play online games and wait till morning when I will be so tired it will knock me out. It's one of these nights today.

 

[p-no]

Maybe I should add... I do not ever miss abusive family members... for me, it's just ex partners, or recent ex partners.

 

[Definitely..maybe]

@prime-no I feel ya! With abusive family it's a relief to have a clean break. But with exs it's different. I think I just put a lot more into my ex because he knew everything.

I do tend to go back to abusive family though. But I'll get better as I get healthier and stronger I hope.

 

[p-no]

I think (not absolutely sure) that for me there are several reasons why it's been easier (a lot easier) to separate from family than exes.

1. Family abused me from the day I was born (and even before that as I consider substance abuse (marijuana, cigarettes, alcohol) during pregnancy abuse), i.e. it went on considerably longer than the abuse of my exes... as I had to endure it the first 18 years of my life and had zero choice.

2. With family, as said, I had no choice. I don't feel guilty at all for being abused. I absolutely understand how they had the power and I had nothing. It is so clear to me that what my family did was dead-wrong, that I have no problem at all letting them go. I left them on all levels, even gave all my names up I was given after birth, and chose my own, officially. I have not been in contact with any abusive family members and have remained in touch only with one non-abusive one, my cousin.

What drives me nuts with exes is the fact that I do not have to choose them, but do choose them. That makes me feel responsible for my own actions, which I no doubt am responsible for. But despite 20 years of therapy and self-help CAN NOT (am not able to) make decisions about men that are not detrimental to me. Drives me nuts. For some reason I feel or seem to believe I do not deserve to leave them because I chose them in the first place. I sort-of "deserve" the treatment because it was my choice. And therapists etc. have it that as an adult you ARE able to choose. Well... sincerely... I am not. Hopefully not yet, but I feel like giving up.

I hope you will find your way out of the circle of abusive family. I have never regretted it and it has had such a positive impact on my life. Best wishes.

 

[Nicolette]

It's also missing the side of me that saw the beauty in a man, and didn't see the abuse.

I wonder if somehow subconsciously we choose what we see - just like the glass is half full or half empty o_O? My thoughts on your post @Meadowsweet is have you had to shut down a side of you to deal with your abusers? I was always able to see the good and bad but chose to ignore the bad for the good and just hoped the good would 'grow' and out weigh the bad - I made excuse for them in my mind or rationalised justification for their actions.