Relationship Does it ever feel like you’re getting it right??

[Snowflakes]

@ByrnesT your message is fine and clear to me. When I got on this roller coaster 11 years ago, my sufferer didn’t have a diagnosis. I had a rough time because I didn’t know enough to take an educated guess and try to get help for me so I could survive. I wish with all my heart I came here 11 years ago instead of this year. If I knew then what you know now, perhaps it wouldn’t have made a difference to my sufferer but it certainly would have made a difference for me.

Use what helps you and discard what doesn’t. A lot of people here have helped me to survive and cope this past year. I still don’t know how my relationship may play out over time. I think that between my therapist and this forum, I am reasonably stable to the extent I’m off the roller coaster and out of the rabbit hole but the real work is between my sufferer and her therapists and doctors. I’m here to pay it forward.

Take care of you.

 

[ByrnesT]

@ByrnesT your message is fine and clear to me. When I got on this roller coaster...

Thank you @Snowflakes for your kind words & advice. I have been trying to encourage my partner into some sort of therapy for a long time. Not because I’m trying to get into her head & convince her she’s “crazy”, but because I love her, I see her pain & her fears & I see them destroying not only our relationship but her life outside of us as well. And from day one I have always maintained to her that I am not qualified to help.

And in return I have often been accused of gaslighting, trying to convince her that she’s crazy or a “psycho” or that I’m a bully trying to control her.

I have nothing to gain over my partner from being here talking about this, my partner knows nothing about me writing here. In fact, I can pretty much guarantee I would be on the receiving end of some very ferocious anger on her side if she was to know anything about this. She has always told me I’m not to confide in anyone. So what I write here to complete strangers is not me gaining any control over her or influencing anyone’s opinion of her. This is the first opportunity I’ve had in a long time to be able to vent & to seek guidance from some people who maybe have similar experiences to draw on.

What I have been put through at times over the last 2.5 yrs by my partner I would not stand for from anyone else. And the only reason I have so far is because I love her & I see her suffering & the fear inside her. But ultimately I know I can’t continue to have my boundaries of what I see as just simple common decency be continually broken anymore. Hence why I’m asking for advice. Not advice on how to work on PTSD, but advice on how to manage myself in these situations.

I am certainly not here “playing doctor” & diagnosing my partner or violating her boundaries by acknowledging we both need help with this.

 

[Sweetpea76]

Supporter advice isn't necessarily PTSD advice. His partner isn't really the focus here, it's him dealing with his own feelings, responses and behaviors.

This is a supporter thread in the supporter section for a supporter.

 

[Sweetpea76]

He's asking for help for himself. He doesn't have PTSD.

 

[ByrnesT]

Yes but you’re falling victim to the false notion that trauma=PTSD.

The truth is that PTSD is...

I’m sorry @EveHarrington but I really can’t understand or see what you’re basing your comments on? If you read what I had said, & in fact any other threads I have written in, I have made it repeatedly clear that I am NOT diagnosing my partner as PTSD. It was her own theory about herself. And yes, having read a lot on it I can certainly recognise that in her.

I am a full time firefighter. That is my job. Not a psychiatrist. Do you really think I am claiming to know that that is 100% what she has? I am neither that stupid nor arrogant.

And believe it or not, despite me sharing here, I am not suddenly going to start listing off my partner’s symptoms for you. Not only cos I don’t have to prove that (does any supporter come on here & start listing symptoms of a mental illness just to prove that their loved ones have it?) but also because I am not comfortable talking in every personal detail about my partner. Plus, if you must know, there would not be enough time for me to list everything that has gone on in the last 2.5 years of my relationship.

What I (& others) have explained to you is that I am here to learn how to cope & manage myself with the way my partner behaves with what we both SUSPECT could be CPTSD. We are no further forward than that because she hasn’t looked for help. And I cannot & will not force her to.

I really don’t see what point you are so determined to make here & you seem to be cherry picking the parts you want to argue against & ignoring the answers when they are offered to you.

 

[ByrnesT]

I only joined this site less than a week ago. I’m not the type of person who normally would be writing in forums about anything. In fact I never have before. So for me to be here talking about my personal life is a bit of a desperate act on my part.

I apologise for just how much I have probably rambled on in my posts that go on far too long.

If I’m being honest tho, I feel things have been said on this thread tonight that are very similar to what my partner tries to say about me. Healthy criticism I came here to listen to. Unfounded accusations I get enough of already tho. Maybe it doesn’t seem much to most of you, maybe at a better/stronger time not much to me either. And maybe some of you will think me arrogant (as she would also say) but I don’t believe they are accurate reflections of what I had said or done.

Maybe I’m wrong. Maybe I am in fact all the things I’ve spent 2.5 years being accused of. Maybe I’m being too sensitive right now because I’m in a bit of a desperate state where I’m losing the love of my life & all her ongoing accusations have started to make me question my reality a little. Hence why I came here in first place.

But I think it’s best now I take the advice that so many of you lovely people have offered me & take a step back & not get dragged into defending myself.

I apologise if I am being overly sensitive. But I’ve endured a lot during my relationship with my partner & I can’t quite cope with it following me into other places as well right now.

I thank everyone who has read any of my story & especially those who have offered such kind & helpful words of advice. But I think it best I walk away from sharing here for now at least.

 

[Freida]

Sufferer here --- YES! you can get it right. A lot of the time. And we will love you for it. Then for some random reason we will hate you - then love you -- and so on. Welcome to the fun filled world of ptsd.

I think any relationship is based on compromise -- even one with ptsd. It sounds like you are trying so very hard, which is amazing. Her? In my humble opinion she needs a good swift kick in the ass. Her part of the relationship is to get the correct diagnosis and start doing the work she needs to do to get healthy. I often wonder how in the world supporters (mine included) put up with our crap. And that's when we are getting help! All the good intentions you both have WILL NOT fix this. And I understand her reluctance to go down that road - it took me a long time. Therapy is awful and tiring and miserable and pretty much turns your life upside down.

And I respect your wishes not to try to force her (well, you couldn't anyway but y'know). You are willing to keep her just the way she is and that is awesome!

So let me throw this out there. Can you do couples counseling on how to manage your relationship? As in, how do you build a happier home that include her issues rather than fighting them? You've both admitted she has something going on, so that's not an issue. Think of it as therapy - light. You get to learn coping skills for her behavior and she gets to learn how to tell you when you are "doing it right." And yes! you are! You deserve to get that pointed out once in a while. But, speaking personally, I had to learn how to do that. Maybe that can take some of the pressure off?

 

[Sweetpea76]

No worries... Take what you need and leave the rest. Mental health forums on the internet are interesting places at times.

I don't think you have any need to defend yourself at all. You came here to ask for advice for yourself. I don't see you trying to diagnose or doing anything inappropriate. You're in the appropriate section for these kinds of questions. It's all good.

 

[Supervixn]

This got taken in a few different directions... unintentionally. Sorry to the OP. We like to pick apart intent and motive sometimes, especially when defending ourselves, our fellow sufferers, or in your case: potential sufferer.

I wouldn't go back with her unless she agrees to therapy. None of us can do this alone. It's a self destructive illness that can't be managed without help. It's a fact.

I think you sound pretty patient, compassionate and loving. She's got to learn to treat you better and manage her symptoms better. But for me, even with therapy and medication, the struggle is *real*. This cPTSD thing is a beast. A lifelong struggle for many. Just try to take care of yourself too. You're already doing so well, for the most part, in separating her from her illness and that's a hard thing for people to even conceptualize.

Good luck to you and keep your spirits up. I wish I could offer more help. Please keep utilizing this site and introducing her to it if you haven't already. It's a supportive community that you and your partner will grow from.

 

[CoffeeCat]

@ByrnesT

She owes it to you and herself to go and get diagnosed!!! Knowing exactly what you are both up against helps so much.

Best of luck, and I can safely say I'm jealous of all your effort. Thank you for trying!

 

[Finchlet2]

Woah I've just witnessed way to much bullying on this thread. I think I just remembered why I quit this forum the first time round. ByrnesT my husband is in a similar ish position to you and if he was judged and grilled for reaching out for help to mend us there would be hell to pay. Brush it of dude, you know what valid and what's bullshit them and us mentality.

 

[Deleted member 44240]

Thank you for your comments @EveHarrington & I totally understand where you are comi...

Try not to listen to a lot of theories because it will drive you crazy. Only you and your partner know what you’ve experienced and it may be possible that it’s cptsd, and if so, then try to support her with getting the necessary help she needs. If not, then you two will have to have a discussion about your relationship.