Does my t really not care or am i projecting?

[Scarlet13]

So, @PointlessExistence thank you for your points and for your understanding.
I disagree with my maternal transference being a "dangerous proposition."
I am not sure in what ways it is dangerous.
I might get confused and expect her to be my mother and cross boundaries? I don't even know what this would look like. I could try and crawl into her lap, ha!
Is it dangerous because of my vulnerability?
I started this thread in a great amount of pain and I got so many great responses.
But, I don't think this is dangerous. Gut wrenching? yes. Risky? Yes.
Necessary (for me)? Yes.
But it is not dysfunctional or dangerous, it is just hard.
In fact, the real issue here is with my mother. I saw her the other day and then had therapy. It is like it is safer to be angry at my therapist, to think she does not care and will reject me. This is actually the safer option, the option that is happening naturally because of a healing mechanism inside of me. But I still very much think I had a good, caring mother and to see her for what she really did is tricky to do it out right, so the projections go to my caring therapist. She actually has very firm boundaries (and would not let me crawl into her lap.)

@UnicornSightings thank you for getting me. I believe I got you when you were talking about your "mother T". I am seeing my psychiatrist and it is not for drugs, but for help with all of this. My attachment anxiety can cause disassociation, which is annoying.
As far as wanting her to love me, I feel as though she does. I know it is not "real mother love" but she really sees me, understands me and validates me.
This "love" she gives is hard because I am scared I will lose it. The more secure and "loved" that I feel the more I become terrified of losing it or I feel like I have to "earn" it (thanks for that mother.)

 

[AnonymousGirl99]

Scarlet,

For what it's worth, it sounds like you not only have a great therapist who understands trauma and cares deeply for you, but you also have a brilliant head on your shoulders. I'm glad you could find some validation on this thread, but what shined through for me in going back and reading these posts and your responses, is that you know. You know yourself, you know your situation, you know what you need. You have a strong internal voice and I hope more than anything that you take what everyone has said - including your therapist - and then listen to yourself and trust that voice.

I don't know you, but despite the pain and complete agony (these words don't even come close, I know), despite all of it, you're going to be okay. Trust yourself. Stick with it. One day you'll find peace. I hope that it's soon.

Breathe in the moments you can.
Ella

 

[Scarlet13]

Scarlet,

For what it's worth, it sounds like you not only have a great therapist who understands tra...

Hi Ella,
Thank you for your kind words. Since this thread it has been hard with my T. I am having all kinds of negative distortions. I have been talking to her and she has been trying "to not bull shit me" (her words) by telling me she may may not be able to help me or I may want a diff therapist at some point. She says, she cannot promise she will always be there for me. She did say that she has no intention of not working with me, but I did that whole negative filtering thing and only heard her first lines.
Which of course filled me with paranoia.
I have really been using acceptance skills and cognitive reframing and this has helped. I will be talking more about my attachment to her tom and hopefully I can move into at least a somewhat secure place soon.

Thanks for your kind words about having a good head on my shoulders. Your right maybe I do. Maybe I am not the complete failure/basket case I have always been told I was. Sometimes some compliments stick in your brain.