Poll Does one partner want sex more than the other (in your relationship)?

[Hopeforlife]

Life/work/children/symptoms/medication all add to the pot. If I don't want to have sex I don't have it. If my husband doesn't then we don't.

 

[Mach123]

I guess I should say also by way of explanation I never meant to imply that anyone was "obligated" to have sex "because the other partner tells you they want to" married or not. Nobody said it was sex on demand just because you're married.

 

[Fadeaway]

Thanks for clearing that up, some people do believe that so it was hard to tell.

 

[mumstheword]

We are mostly pretty matched, but, I guess, take turns being the lower sex drive one. It's usually health related.
We are both givey types so can work around not wanting, or being physically able to have penetrative sex by satisfying each other in other orgasmic ways (I'm sure I don't have to go into too much detail) it's just a case of extending the love to a bit more sexual care of each other. It works very well to keep the relationship healthy.

 

[Friday]

In most of my relationships I’ve been on the want-it-more-than-my-partner side of things. Including my marriage.

Although it’s very rare there’s a BIG differential, because sex is pretty damn high up on my priorities list, so anyone I date longer than about a minute and a half usually has at least a similar libido.

I was thinking about some of the kinds of things you say to try and "convince" the "more reluctant" one to "come across" and some of the responses.

I’ve never really been that big into seduction... although it truly is an art form I love to be on the receiving end of. :sneaky: For me, it’s a very one way street, in that regard. I’m not incapable of seducing someone, I just like being chased / it’s one of the few games I’ll play, because it’s fun for everyone. So if someone wants to play? I’ll play. I’m just naturally a lot more straightforward. It doesn’t even occur to me to try to seduce someone. I’m the kind of person who uses sex to change the mood, not the kind of person who changes the mood to have sex.

Although, as I said, that kind of artistry is fun to be on the receiving end of... the best I can draw are stick figures. :facepalm:

If I fell for someone whose libido was tragically off from mine? Maybe I’d have to learn. But, so far, that hasn’t happened.

 

[Mach123]

Thanks for clearing that up, some people do believe that so it was hard to tell.

I had trouble framing the question? It's a big deal? People divorce mostly about sex and money? I like to joke around about it but we fight about it? It's not easy.

I have to work all the time for it btw, I never stop working for it? She controls it though.

 

[somerandomguy]

I feel like in most relationships one partner controls it - the one who wants it less wins.

 

[Skywatcher]

I had trouble framing the question? It's a big deal? People divorce mostly about sex and money? I li...

My husband and I spent just last week fighting about sex and money. Lol. Last time we tried stuff I got trauma triggered. The irony is that I still want to make it work, but he doesn’t... not because I was triggered, but just that he is “too tired.”

 

[Friday]

I’ve never thought my partner controlled sex, much less than he “wins” when we don’t have sex? :O_o:

To me, that sounds gross, & imagine it would feel even worse. It’s hard for me to think about any aspect of relationships as winning and losing, but especially with sex baseline for me would be everyone wins, or no one wins. IE if we’re having sex, everyone wins :tup:, if we’re not when one of us wants to? No one wins :( It’s a sadness, not a victory.

So much of this stuff is about personal preference, though, and to each their own... Is that something you both enjoy in your relationships? @somerandomguy & @Mach123

 

[somerandomguy]

Hell no I don't enjoy it ... Even when it's me with the lower libido. I spent 5 years in my relationship wanting to want sex with my wife. I couldn't, because of trauma reactions. No one knew it was trauma-related, though, of the multiple sex therapists and doctors and counselors I saw in that time. I had to figure it out myself and that took a long time.

Now the shoe is on the other foot and my wife is justifiably angry at me shutting her down for so long and so is no longer interested in having sex with me and so we have to go through the whole song and dance again. I'm trying to be understanding because it was my trauma that caused her sexual shutdown.

I was probably either being flippant or symptomatic when I said the lower libido wins, but I feel like no one ever "wins" with sex, and I don't mean that in a fun way. I don't understand how individuals within couples ever balance their own needs with their partner's needs. It's never happened for me and I doubt it ever will.

 

[Mach123]

In a word no. I'm hypersexual. The therapist stops short at calling or deeming me a sex addict. I'll probably do though until one comes along. My wife controls me with sex. It's a reward or a punishment. I was nearly divorced so many times and fighting like hell with her about it and my best friend and I started comparing notes and saved both our marriages, our situations are vastly different, but the power differential in our relationships are identical. His wife was giving him the carrot and stick routine as well, in other words. We both are submissive and our wives are dominant. (Sexually) In life as men we couldn't be more different. In this regard (sexuality with our wives) we're identical almost. When we realized we were both listening to the same sh*t, and enduring the same arm twisting, we were able to get some distance, and not be hurt as badly by what is in essence "typical" behavior in these scenarios. Both our wives abuse us with the "exact same language."

 

[Fadeaway]

Your interpritation might be using it as controll or a reward or punishment, but that just shows you are looking through a mans eyes and thinking sexual desire works the same for men as it does for women. We see sex as very different.

@

@somerandomguy with a little work, your situation should be easily fixed. You just need to be like you were when you were first dating. I assume you were putting your best foot forward, trying to impress her, complimenting her and gifts and dates right?
It is all about recreating that atmosphere.

@Mach123 your situation is going to be a bit more complicated and needs a more indepth reply.