Does Your H/significant Other Go Elsewhere For Intimacy?

[HëllaBubz]

I'm a young woman in a relationship of 4 years, and after 6-8 months of no intimacy with my partner, I could see the effect it was having on him (irritability, frustration, anger, short fuse, sexual frustration...etc).

I also withdrew from him because he was wanting intimacy, and my body just wouldn't respond, and I felt bad because I kept saying no.

After a while, we discussed, and I agreed for him to go to to sensual massage places, but one night he came home distraught, because he had 'lost control' during one of these massages, and ended up penetrating the masseuse.

This was devastating for me, as you could imagine, but considering what had occurred, I agreed for him to go and see prostitutes instead.

Now honestly, I'm not judging him, and I'm not interested in anyone else judging him, we have found a coping mechanism which allows him to function, and so I have to cope with it.
My partner is aware of the emotional pain this causes me, however we talk it through, and it helps.

I have just recently removed my contraceptive device following surgery for cervical cancer, and I can feel my sex drive starting to bounce back a little, and so we are tapering off the visits slowly.

What I want to know, has anyone else, or is anyone else dealing with something similar?

 

[amethist]

I would myself consider this as high risk in many ways.

I am the supporter and my husband is the one with PTSD. If I did this or even suggested I did, I know for sure it would be the end of our marriage.

There is also the health risk to consider too. Major health risks. Also the trust too, both of us would loose this straight away.

But if he cant wait for you, then I would let him go.

These are just my opinions, others may feel differently.

Take care of your own needs before anyone else's.

 

[Red Feather]

This is a real hard subject for me, because it involves a lot of my personal issues and trauma. I have a very similar history with my ex. I think it is good that you are both able to talk about it. But in my case it just ruined me. I hope you consider your needs before any body elses. And here on this forum you are the chance to meet others who are going through similar problems. So that you know you are not alone with this. Please take care.

 

[Ricanoland]

I have PTSD and my Girl Friend has Bi Polar she is never really ever "in the mood" but I would never ever ask or even question the thought of pleasuring myself with another women or man what people pick now a days.

I think its very modern, and understanding of you to I suppose allowing him such a release, but I believe its just slowly releasing the relationship in the end. That course of action really needs to be reviewed again.

 

[Pale Warrior]

Hi TB,

One question:

Would you be happier if he didn't do this?

 

[HëllaBubz]

Thanks for all your replies, I guess for me, I have had a rather promiscuous background when I was younger, and I (as I've been told) think somewhat like a male.....anyway, for me, I have seen what it has done to my partner, I think all guys are different, and when you combine the loss of his father last year with what was previously a very active sex life, it was a breaking point for him.

For me, because he is seeing prostitutes, not just some random chic at a bar, I feel that there is an extra layer of 'protection' I guess, which keeps it professional, and purely about sex.

After 2-3 months of this, however, he is wanting to stop the visits because of the immense guilt that he has told me he is experiencing, and the fact that he cannot find any form of satisfaction with anyone else.

As a result, we took out my contraceptive, which is known to contribute to a poor sex drive, and started using a progesterone cream, so I'm starting to feel a little more......bouncy? :p

He always told me when he was going, and also asked me when he could go, so he only ended up going about every 3 weeks or so, and so we kept up the communication that way.
Although, about 4 weeks into it, he burst into tears when I told him that sparing me details did not make it any less 'prickly' and painful to swallow.....

He is sitting across from me on the armchair, and I can see the misery on his face, and as he has just said, he feels shit, he knows it kills me a little bit inside each time I say yes to him going out, and he can't find what he is looking for with anyone else, hence the reason he has drawn the line, and said no more.

We had a huge blow up about it around the end of march, because, as I said earlier, he was trying to spare me by trying to say as little as possible......and when I explained to him that no matter what he did, and regardless of my agreeing to him going, it was going to hurt like hell anyway, he broke down.:(

For him, he has no other outlet, and although I can appreciate thoroughly where you are coming from Rico, would I be out of line to suggest that perhaps the PTSD has played a role in how your intimate life plays out, like it has for me?

By this I mean, I fully understand, and hope you do not take offence, but for a male whose biological clock is kicking him in the ass, who originally had an extremely active intimate life, whose previous traumatic history has led him to crave constant physical contact....and for all that to vanish... this was too much to bear for him.:cry:

I really don't know if I am making any sense at all.....:notworthy:

He wanted to know what I had written, and I just read it out to him, and now he is sitting in the armchair bawling his eyes out......:cry:

I hate it when he hurts, because I hurt too.

 

[HëllaBubz]

No I wouldn't be happier, because then I would see what it did to him after a while, and then we would both be miserable.

And as he has just said, after hearing what I just posted up, it makes it even worse hearing it from me.:cry:

I pity him, he must be in an awful position.

 

[Nicolette]

I am sorry but can't get my head around any kind of acceptance of your agreement if applied to my own life.

To me intimacy begins with holding hands and kissing...penetration is sex with someone else and to me that invalidates the 'togetherness' of a relationship. As it being a coping mechanism; I don't think it is a healthy relationship one for more than the reasons stated by Amethist. To me it would also erode self esteem of the other party IMHO.

 

[HëllaBubz]

Hi Nic......I'm really truly sorry to say that your post was really serious for me.....and then I saw your profile picture.....:roflmao:

 

[Nicolette]

And as he has just said, after hearing what I just posted up, it makes it even worse hearing it from me.:cry:

It is easy to sit on the outside and make comments or share opinions. All I can say is that if it works for you both and it doesn't damage your relationship then that's great. It just wouldn't work for me but I have a different history to you and having been cheated on gives me a bias. :oops:

 

[HëllaBubz]

It's interesting that you should say that, for me, I do not feel threatened by these 'other women', I am 100% confident in the solidity of our relationship.

We have never been able to keep secrets from each other without it eating us inside.:inlove:

Would it make sense to you if I said that I understand the theory of how this situation works, however, I wouldn't be able to apply it physically to me, because I need the emotional attachment for there to be any enjoyment for me.

From what I have understood about men, they need two parts to have a wholesome, satisfying relationship. Now don't get me wrong, this doesn't apply to everyone, and I would be an idiot if I tried to.

Guys need an emotional relationship, and a physical relationship, when combined together these two create a happy male (in an ideal world), however if you have a guy who has an emotional half, but not the physical, an affair often results where the male will satisfy the physical part, and because he has the emotional part at 'home; there often is no emotional conflict.

Now, please, please do not get me wrong, there are men out there who just have extramarital sex because they want to, or have an affair because they have one or neither of the two halves that they are needing.

When I was with my ex 5 years ago, he treated me horribly, I was raped, beaten, passed around to friends, drugged and gang raped.....the list goes on and on.....however, he was a kind of good looking bloke, and he had a charm, that even though you weren't comfortable doing what he wanted, he had a way of making you feel good, and almost that you needed to do it for him in order to be happy.:sick:

When he tried to use me as 'currency' to pay for drugs, I finally cracked the shits, and kicked him across the room. There is a house in a town that still has my blood across the walls, and when his friend stepped in, knocked out my then boyfriend, and took me with him for the night, when that friend asked for sex, I gave it to him out of gratitude, even though there was nothing satisfactory about it, and it didn't feel right because it wasn't my abusive partner.:confused:

This, for me, is how I can somewhat understand having sex with no emotional ramifications.

I don't know if this makes sense at all.:notworthy:

 

[Pale Warrior]

When he tried to use me as 'currency' to pay for drugs, I finally cracked the shits, and kicked him across the room. There is a house in a town that still has my blood across the walls, and when his friend stepped in, knocked out my then boyfriend, and took me with him for the night, when that friend asked for sex, I gave it to him out of gratitude, even though there was nothing satisfactory about it, and it didn't feel right because it wasn't my abusive partner

I could have typed this! 'cept I was being used as collateral in a card game.

What ever you guys do, it's yours and if it works then keep at it and move with the flow.

Just a bit sad that he is in tears. Somehow I can't equate a sex life that makes my partner cry with "functional". But that's just me.

PAX