Doing basic financial skills training...

[Rose White]

Today I found out that most of the world’s money circulates as credit/debt. So it’s not just America that runs on credit. Banks count debts owed to them as assets.

And they sell the debt, which is weird. They chop it up into like a thousand different portions and then combine those portions into huge packages and sell that.

Which made me realize that in the beginning of Duck Tales, when Uncle Scrooge jumps into the coin vault, in today’s reality he would jump into nothing because all his money would be in credit.

 

[Ecdysis]

I really like this YNAB article about finances and shame/ shaming:

Why Is Personal Financial Advice So Mean? | YNAB

Why is it acceptable to get your money advice delivered with an insult or an eye roll? Is shame really the most effective way to inspire change?

www.ynab.com

I also wanted to share the YNAB "Loose Change" Newsletter text I got emailed yesterday, but I can't find an online version of it... It's about regretting our past financial mistakes/ mishaps/ disasters/ sins... and letting go of that burden... telling ourselves that we did the best we knew how at the time and starting fresh with a clean slate and deciding to do better from here on in...

 

[Rose White]

Here are my notes from tonight. It was about investing. I still don’t know how much I’m supposed to keep in my savings account and whether that’s different from an emergency fund?

Tonight I learned that commercial real estate is a poor investment because we don’t need as many work spaces because AI is replacing workers.

 

[Brumbyinthesunshine]

Your doodles are so creative !

 

[Ecdysis]

That course still sound kinda "meh" @Rose White

 

[Rose White]

@Ecdysis agree it is. The silver linings for me are that it’s getting my brain oriented toward and *thinking* about budgeting and organizing my finances. I have some SERIOUS resistance to it! I need like a slowed down financial therapist to deal with it, but I’m not ready to pay someone as I’m in such a resistant place I think I’ll just waste it.

What’s interesting about this is that since it’s a community-run class through the food bank, the moderator and participants are pretty enthusiastic, and for me to just be around people who are thinking about focusing on organizing their money it is helping my brain to line up and sort out where I might need to focus.

For two weeks now I’ve had a goal of *focus on the budget* and I haven’t gotten there yet! I really prefer cleaning, cooking, and reading plus being present with daughter for activities and conversations.

Today I still have that goal but I know I need to do grocery shopping and apply for some financial aid for my daughter’s schooling. I’m still holding that goal of budgeting though!

Also I have downloaded *five* money management apps but haven’t checked them out yet.

Side note, and I don’t know how related this is but in my mind it is so here’s some rambling… Last year I had a goal of learning how to clean my house effectively (or using some system). I used an app called Tody and used it religiously last summer. It did help me get the house very clean and I was proud of it but over the course of the school year I couldn’t keep up with it.

But because I used the app so much I was able to develop a kind of map of my home in terms of cleaning and timelines. And now this summer I’m not using the app but I have that map in my head to refer to.

And I’m hoping that with the budgeting and financial organization I can develop something similar. Find an app that works well for me—work it hard and then hopefully assimilate the habits.

So I can see the process… but haven’t started it yet.

Organizing my life is such a huge process and I am so slow at weaving it all together, but I have a direction. Getting sober and dismantling the eating disorder (only possible after five years of therapy for the csa and relationship crap) was critical to then be able to organize my house and finances. I often feel like I’ve just barely become proficient at something when the Goddess gives me my next mountain to climb (but there had been hints it was coming for a long time).

 

[Rose White]

Thinking about money wasters and for me restaurants are huge money wasters. Unless I’m meeting someone I love for a special occasion I’m going to file them in “nope”.

 

[Ecdysis]

Hi @Rose White yes, I agree. For me cafés and takeout go in this category too. I used to grab a coffee and a snack from a café and that was quite expensive. Now, instead, I make myself stop at a supermarket, get a drink and some food there. For one thing, I can make healthier choices there and it usually costs about a third or a quarter of what I would've spent in a café.

 

[Rose White]

I finally started my budget. Used a form they gave us in the class. To estimate what my expenses were and then compare. I did it for June. Turns out I’m bleeding money. I am living off the bumper of my tax return. The extra expenses were voice lessons for my daughter, dentist for my daughter, and my clay class. The rest was bills, utilities and food. My grocery costs are astronomical. I never go out to eat.

I want to do my clay class. And I want to be able to buy things for my daughter. Her voice lessons were significant. But there’s always something like that popping up.

Best thing is that it’s good to know, right? I tried to sign up for YNAB but couldn’t do it. So signed up for rocket money.

Something sad from my financial literacy class was when we were talking about ways to save money one of the participants said, “You can just eat less—I try to only eat one meal a day.” She was a single mom with little ones. That is so sad. No one said anything.

Ugh. My grocery bill is just scary. But also, I do take out cash for gas at that time. Forgot about that. Sigh. It’s the beginning. I have to see it to do something about it. As uncomfortable as it is. I’m so grateful I don’t have a credit card, but now that I know what my utilities are I suppose it’s time for me to get a credit card and begin the process of building credit.

I’m not ready for that yet though. I’m still scared of credit.

 

[Rose White]

Doing that was actually incredibly stressful! I feel like I went to therapy and processed a bunch of shit—all cracked out, headache.

Spoiler: Flashback this morning (processed here) added to today’s stress

And at yoga this morning I had a flashback to when ex used to coerce me into getting f*cked when we went on hikes. And also in the shower. He used to come in the shower with me without asking and f*ck me. And I had to bend over and touch my toes. And I remember when we were outside there was always a chance of hikers seeing us. And I would be gripping a log and see my hiking shoes that my mom had bought me for when I went in that overseas trip. And I always always always pretended I liked it so he would hurry up because it was so uncomfortable. And in yoga I had that flashback. Because I was bent over and I was so close to the wall that my butt touched the wall and when that touch happened I had the flashback and I was frozen and immersed in it. And she said “come up” but I couldn’t because I was frozen there and I tried really hard to break out of it and I did and then when I came up I felt so dirty for thinking about that and I looked around and felt like I was sexualizing everyone in the room and I felt really ashamed but I kept doing the yoga anyway and I got through it. And I was okay, but I didn’t like that flashback.

And doing that budget I kept feeling washed with shame. I had to play meditation calm music because my brain was flying around. And I felt so ashamed for being poor and for spending money. But I didn’t hate myself.

And something good is that I’m getting a raise next month. But my expenses are so high. It’s weird that I feel ashamed of my grocery expenses. And I make so much stuff from scratch which takes so much of my time.

Tonight I was going to eat chili and cottage cheese but I couldn’t find the cottage cheese and I thought I was out of naan but I wasn’t. And I couldn’t find the cottage cheese for the life of me. (Oh! I just remembered where it is!) But it’s good I found the naan and am eating it because I need carbs badly from all this stress. When I feel cracked out, like I used to after therapy, I can practically feel my brain throbbing.

The electric bill is also astronomical because it’s been so damn hot—the AC is running so much, even though I keep it at 79, which a lot of people consider hot.

Also I found out that I never completed my application for reduced internet bill ! But again—Now I Am Watching. Ugh . It’s really hard stuff for some reason!!!!

 

[Rose White]

Turns out I’m bleeding

I guess a good rule of thumb for life might be, “It’s better to know when you’re bleeding than to not know.” I was just watching a video today or yesterday about a guinea pig that was rescued from terrible neglect. The rescue worked hard to get him healthy again and then they took him to get neutered, a routine surgery, and he died hours after coming home from a bleed out. Necropsy was performed and the hospital had done the surgery correctly but through random acts of fate a small tear or puncture happened and he bled out. The bleeding happened internally, filling his peritoneal cavity. Tragic. But also that reinforces that whenever possible, it is better to know when you’re bleeding than to not know.

It’s weird that money Is metaphorically blood, but it is necessary for life and flows through you, in a way.

It is better to know when you are captive—I didn’t know I was captured in an abuse dynamic. When I learned that I was it was *very* uncomfortable learning to leave and then learning to rebuild myself.

This financial learning is also very uncomfortable. And it is going to take me a while to develop new habits. And there is a lot of shame. But I have dealt with shame before. And I don’t hate myself anymore which is pretty cool.

 

[Ecdysis]

Hi @Rose White sorry you're struggling with it so much right now. Give yourself some breaks and self-care? This is really hard stuff.

I can say that the first couple of weeks were the worst for me. Like you, I had so much panic, shame, sadness, helplessness, worry wash over me intially. It felt so overwhelming and I definitely wanted to give up.

After about 2 - 3 weeks of that tho, it really started getting better. It stopped being so triggering, stopped feeling like an unmanageable mess...

Getting there is hard tho, I know... So pace yourself, do soothing things to counter the overwhelm and try to trust the process... You can't magically fix it all overnight...

But by at least reducing the mess, you're moving in the right direction... And eventually it will feel a bit clearer and a bit more comfortable.

Glad to have you on this journey with me - glad I'm not going through it alone!