Doing Well On Exam = Guilt ?

[EloiseLandau]

Just got my physics midterm grade back, and I ended up with an 81%, and the class average is 65%. But while I can go on FB and tell people, I have a hard time telling people face to face. And there are some times I am just outright not wanting to tell at people; people who triggered me several times in the past and were immature, and even casually dismissed how hard I worked to get the grade I did. People who could not do the math proofs or the figures... I actually get a sense of panic if I think they've heard my test score.

I am not used to praise, it's very hard to accept. And while some people would get a reward for a job done well, my reward, growing up, would be that I wasn't punished.

Now it's conflicting with my sense of wanting to do something for myself BUT how dare I want anything at all.

 

[Meadowsweet]

Its good that you're recognising the feelings and thoughts.

I have something similar. I work hard because I'm scared of being punished for not doing well enough. And I guess because the work is done to pacify an imaginary person, the fulfilment is very brief. Then its onto the next thing that I must get right.

But more recently (since writing about it here), I've started to look around and see that there is no one to please or pacify except for myself. So I'm getting a little bit of secret pleasure out of doing well.

I don't want to tell anyone, because I think they'll spoil it and want to put me down. So I think learning to just enjoy it for yourself can help.

 

[EloiseLandau]

I got yelled at by the housemates, including x-supporter, because I couldn't accept the "congratulations." It then became a litany of all the things I do wrong, as usual.

This is really messing with me.

I think they'll spoil it and want to put me down

For some reason, FB where I saw no one's face, or people I really trust personally, I could tell. The anxiety of people I couldnt' trust, it was like I was handing them a state secret they could roll out for people to laugh at. Strange...

 

[Eleanor]

81% would be an A in that class then! Awesome job!!!!! :tup::) On Physics no less. You are One Smart Cookie. Way to go!

Two things, 1) we live in a F***ed up culture about doing well in school. Being smart is not cool. Being dumb is cool. This makes all responses from others to one's doing well or actually learning something highly unreliable. 2) in classes where grades are curved (as this one must be) people who do less well have "reason" to resent those who do well and "set the curve". This should be a good reason for profs NOT to grade on a curve and to find better ways of assessing students' learning than poorly written exams, but alas, that hardly ever happens.

Is there any residential space at your school? or Perhaps a local monastery you could check into? :)

 

[EloiseLandau]

81% would be an A in that class then! Awesome job!!!!! :tup::) On Physics no less. You are One Smart Cookie. Way to go!

Two things, 1) we live in a F***ed up culture about doing well in school. 2) in classes where grades are curved (as this one must be) people who do less well have "reason" to resent those who do well and "set the curve".

I cheated by hiding the information in my head ;)

I think it's not very classy to compare test scores with others no matter how you did, because I think no matter what, someone is going to feel bad. So if someone asks me, I just say I don't discuss it.

 

[Eleanor]

Under the circumstances I think that is a very wise strategy. AND I can't help but reflect that if you were, say, on the hockey team and had scored four goals in a game, reporting THAT performance would not be the same thing at all. Money and Smarts we are just weird about.

 

[EloiseLandau]

Ah, so, if I did Extreme Physics with explosions and mud slides and barbed wire, I could boast my score! :laugh: