Don't Know How I Feel

[DiamondBug]

I went to therapy today and had my 6 month review, it was okay, I had to fill in some questionnaires and stuff that he's going to compare with ones I did when he first met me, so he knows what we need to work on, which is fine. But he brought up a few things though that I don't know how to feel about. One is the fact I always hide from him behind my hair, my hair is really long and it's like my security blanket, it makes me feel comfortable, I hide when I'm upset, angry, uncomfortable,etc. He also said would I feel about changing the seating arrangement so he can see me better, I told him I didn't know how I felt about it and that I'd probably still hide, i currently sit on a chair with my back against his wall a he sits next to me with his a chair angled towards me, but because of my hair he doesn't really see my face. He's only seen it very briefly in the waiting room and when he sees me out his office. I don't know how to cope if next week his moved the chairs to face each other, because I didn't say yes and I didn't say no. I think I'd be okay with it, I'm just really worried. He knows about my low self esteem and the fact I hate to be stared at, so I don't know why he wants to see me. I'm scared of him seeing me with my makeup running everywhere, I'm so insecure. I feel like it'll upset me more that I would feel he was judging me while I'm in such a vulnerable situation. I don't know. I really like my therapist, he made me feel quite good today. I do almost look forward to seeing him. It's weird. I get so shy around him sometimes,but I'm getting there.

 

[desiderata310]

Therapists are always trying to get a reading on what is going on behind the things we don't say. If he can't see your face he will have a harder time getting a reading on what's going on inside your head that you AREN'T saying.

It's really a help to him to so he can figure out if he's pushing too hard.

If it makes you feel any better I refuse to look at my therapist in the face. I look at his knees, fee, the corner, etc.
Don't worry about the make up. Seriously.
if it really bothers you, just do what I do: don't wear any.

 

[ShodokanJenn]

I agree with @desiderata310 . Being able to see your face will help him to help you. It took me a couple years before I could maintain eye contact with my T for more than a moment.

I don't wear makeup to therapy. I've never cried there, but I don't cry anywhere else, either. I think if I were to start crying, it would probably be in T, and I don't want to take that chance.

I don't think it's weird to look forward to seeing him. He is making it his goal to understand and help you - it's healthy to want more of that.

 

[Justmehere]

Is there anything he could do that would help you feel more able to take the uncomfortable risk of being a little more seen? or known? Hair or no hair to hid behind, it's really about getting to know you and what you are feeling. It's not easy, but it's safe and good to try to slowly share more with him as you are able.

Looking forward to seeing him is actually a very good sign.

 

[DiamondBug]

Therapists are always trying to get a reading on what is going on behind the things we don't say....

Thanks for your reply. I've never thought about it like that. I couldn't not wear makeup, it isn't a choice for me, I can't leave my house without it, I just get scared he'll see all the horrible stuff I see when it runs off.

 

[DiamondBug]

I agree with @desiderata310 . Being able to see your face will help him to hel...

Thanks for your reply. It's just so nerve wrecking to let someone see me when I'm in such a state, I just sometimes think I think about him too much, but I don't know

 

[DiamondBug]

Is there anything he could do that would help you feel more able to take the uncomfortable risk of b...

Thanks for your reply, I don't know, I feel like I'd just need loads of support from him to face him, like if I was facing him and got as upset as I have done previously, I'd want him to hug me and I know that puts us both in a difficult situation, because if he rejected me I'd probably never trust him again, but if he did hug me it could get him in trouble, I almost want his affection but know I can't have it, it's all very confusing for me.

 

[Rumors]

Thanks for your reply. I've never thought about it like that. I couldn't not wear makeup, it isn't a...

Gosh... I almost don't have words after reading this.... The moment I read this my heart hurt. I don't know who did what to you to make you not feel loved, secure, and beautiful but I hope one day you will know that you are.... I hope you will read the one sentence to your therapist where you say that you are afraid for him to see "all the horrible stuff" you see.... I am just overwhelmed with sadness for you..
Sending you peace and love and a reminder that everyone is worthy of love and happiness. Hang in there...

 

[DiamondBug]

Gosh... I almost don't have words after reading this.... The moment I read this my heart hurt. I don't k...

Thanks for the reply, it's one of the most caring things anyone has ever said to me, it made me well up. In a nice way. Next week I'll tell him that, I just get scared he'll see the horrible things because I've told him about them (I know it's silly) please don't be sad for me, you'll make me sad :) all the best