General Don't Know How To Help Him

[katydid]

Hi,

I just joined recently. My husband has PTSD and I really don't know how to help him. He won't really talk to me and when he does tell me anything, I don't seem to ever say the right thing. He gets mad, closes off more, and we never really talk anymore. I am so tired.
He just takes care of our son and the rest of the time he seems to live in games (online, etc). He does do stuff around the house, but there is so much more that he just lets go. Since he is a stay at home dad, I would like him to do more at the house, but he can't get motivated and anytime I say anything he gets defensive and we end up fighting.
He is on meds and seeing a shrink, but I am starting to burn out with working, taking care of him, and our son. I am totally committed to him and our life and family, but I really think it could be better.

Thanks for reading my ramble.

 

[cyanide]

Hi katydid,

I was/am in a current relationship that has a lot of similarities that you go through, and what will really help you is to read as much as you can in this forum.

What is crucial is that you give your husband space, because he is already feeling overwhelmed with stress, and he can't handle being pressured to say anything, and he doesn't want to respond to you in anger and hurt you further. If he withdrawals further, that's a sign that he needs some space and boundaries. While you continue to further support and love him, without pressuring him, he will open up.

His "living" in games is his escape from reality, where he doesn't have to face his traumas. It is a defense/coping mechanism. It is healthy in moderation.

It is good that he is seeing a therapist, as that will help him in the long run. Right now, while you have more responsibility, it really is up to him to change for the better. It takes time, but the difference between pressuring him and giving him space while loving him will allow him to lower his guard and gradually make attempts to improve. While you give him space, make sure you are doing things for yourself, to keep yourself healthy and strong so you can not only support yourself, but your family as well.

 

[dust]

Hi Katydid,

can I add something with respect to 'talking' and trauma? It is very difficult to talk about what happened to us as it can sometimes re-traumatise. But talking about trauma is one of the many ways to resolve it - there lies the rub: words can hurt and words can heal. You only have to look at therapy, which is centered around talking. When I was ill I would often mistake what was being said to me and take it on as something aggressive or attacking. Words, would often cause me physical and emotional pain.

In therapy, the therapist will only go as far as the therapee can cope with and we lead and control the content of the sessions. This means that we set the level that we can deal with when we can deal with it. Is this an approach that might be helpful when talking/not talking with your husband? Following his lead in respect to what he can talk about?

Things do get better,

dust

 

[wifeypookie]

Katydid, Hi!! This sounds like my life!! It is getting better but what a process!! I am getting help for me and reading self help books, seems to be helping me. Hang in there!!! YOU are not alone!!

 

[leanonme]

Katydid,

This is my life to at 'T'!!!! Funny how we think we are the only ones in this situation, then we find out that someone else is too. I work full time and my husband stays home with our daughter.

Until just recently, my husband also let a lot of things go. Then I realized that he functions much better in a structured environment. So, we both sat down and talked about what household things need to be done daily and weekly. Then we made a list (short and simple if possible) of the days of the week and what task to do that day. For example, Mon=mopping, Tues=clean bathrooms, etc. The next list we made was things to do out of the house that are cheap and fun for him and our daughter to do during the day. Going to the park, joining a dad's club, going on a walk, visiting other family members, toddler time at the pool, etc. Then, we both agreed that during our daughter's nap time is his free time. He can also nap, play on computer, watch a movie, or whatever he wants.

Don't be surprised if there are days when the list doesn't get done, however, there is more production with the list than without. Plus, this gives him a say as to what gets done and needs to be done in the house.

I hope this sparks some ideas. Also, don't forget to lean on your support system when your husband can't provide support to you at the time. I'll be thinking about you.