Don't Read If You're Not In A Good Place (violent Thoughts, Disgusting Thoughts)

[Crimson]

Hello,

This is going to be a disturbing post, because I am disturbed. The intellectual way of thinking of this is that there is an extreme power exchange involved in rape. The victim/surviver loses power while the other person takes it. I am dealing with some crazy thoughts involving me being the one taking the power, how can this even be? How does a raped person begin to desire to do that to someone else? I feel like a monster.

My sexuality is twisted because of what happened to me and other stuff; my 'partner' is pretty much done with me, I'm hyper-sexual, so pretty much no longer having a sexual partner (she was hurt too when she was young like me, she went the opposite way as far as sexuality, kind of having to overcome strong fears to do anything sexually) puts me in kind of an interesting (haha) spot.

I am now in the crazy spot of despising my sexual desires to the point that I refuse to indulge them even only in fantasy. I just needed to get that out to a crowd that might possibly understand at least the principle of my conundrum. I am conflicted, torn, and to be honest, scared. Now, I am also exhausted. Thanks for your time.

 

[WillyKat]

Have you considered the possibility that this is a revenge fantasy? In other words, that you want to inflict the pain you survived on the one(s) that hurt you? My revenge fantasies were never sexual in nature, but they always involved colorful ways for my abuser to meet his demise.

Since then, I've come to the conclusion that he should live forever, but do so always looking over his shoulder and racked with guilt.

I would this up with your counselor ASAP. And if you don't have a counselor, get one.

 

[Crimson]

Yeah, 110%. Thanks for the reply. The part that scares me is the violence that I feel compelled to inflict on others. Yeah, I do need a counselor. thanks.

 

[arfie]

I believe that power craving is as natural as the survival instinct. When my power to survive was taken from me, my craving for that power was as natural as my craving to survive. That belief let me back up and compare it to my food cravings. What is a healthy power intake? The power to hurt others? The power to give compassion? The power to control outcomes? The power to accept life as it comes? The power to heal? The power to choose?

Guess I'm just rambling and attempting empathy. I struggle down similar monster lines. Sure wish I could just fin the "OFF" switch. The light is blinding...

 

[Crimson]

arfie, my brain just exploded. Power is dynamic and changes every day, holy crap. I can feel that power by helping
, brain still exploding.

 

[WillyKat]

Yeah, that's what I want to invent: that mofo OFF switch. I'll be a bazillionaire! But it ain't gonna happen.

@arfie is right, we have a need to feel powerful yet we have little ability to control how it comes out. So we have anger issues and we do ignorant things, all in the effort to figure out how the hell we use power.

Ever seen the video of some African soldiers giving a chimp their AK47? It's on YouTube. I feel like that chimp sometimes.

 

[rightkindofme]

There are a lot of people who have rape fantasies (from both sides) with and without trauma. Having such fantasies *does not* make you a monster. If you went out and nonconsensually raped someone, yeah that would be a problem.

There are people in the world who engage in "rape play" because they have some reason that it works sexually for them. They aren't monsters. They are consenting adults playing with other consenting adults who know what they are getting into.

You are not bad because your sexuality is something other than straight line vanilla. Seriously.

 

[The Albatross]

The desire to be aggressive is in Port's Instinct List described as " be aggressive, use force to gain advantage (male more than female)".

I know for myself after my adult rape occurred at 27, I had two boyfriends simultaneously in between my first and second marriages who knew my circumstances (I am typically up front, open and honest) and had no problem helping me work through the sexual assault and the ideation, "being dirty", losing my personhood, not being desirable, regaining my sexual power... etc.

It was sufficient in my case to have the attention of two men on a one for one basis for a time rather than feeling the need to inflict on someone else (my rapist said that his sister was raped by a white man, so he was raping me to get even/revenge for her) a real assault.

Perhaps you can, on self reflection find other ways, sexually to reclaim your personhood, autonomy, sexual prowess, in a way that is not aggressive to another person and would perpetuate the cycle? Put your thinking cap on.

Short of that fantasy play with a safe partner might fulfill the need.

 

[The Albatross]

Doubled back to add, thoughts are thoughts. I am intrigued by your description of your thoughts as disgusting. In my case it was my assailants (those who committed sexual trauma against me) that I had a desire to obtain some pay back/retribution with. It was not disgusting, it was my self hood, and my brain trying to use whatever avenue I could find to save myself.

I think perhaps, because this is a discussion... you are doing that too.

 

[Crimson]

Flashback city. Gods be damned I'm reading this thread over and over trying to process it. Might be a hot second before I can reply substantively, anyone that feels like chiming in you are more than welcome. Albatross, I've been getting worse, horribly worse, but I think you're right, I am finally processing what happened to me, and to be honest, it's horrible. Thanks everyone, I can't respond yet but I really appreciate it. Now I really am f'n exhausted.

 

[Crimson]

I really am going through some changes, I'm going to extend my time in the army, that's freaking new, less than a week old news. I'm thinking the year that I'd be gone, working out five days a week, free and awesome medical care, yah, stuff is really changing. BTW, I cried when I read all you guys' replies. In a good way.