Sexual Assault Don't Take This The Wrong Way But . . .

[finding_my_way]

I was sexually assaulted. I was terrified for my safety and it was traumatic without doubt. But, now I find myself in a place of wanting to be raped. I don't mean this in the sexual fantasy way of wanting to be dominated but being in control of my thoughts. I mean it quite literally. Ever since the assault, I haven't been myself. I have felt trapped, my voice stuck within walls, and the only way I feel i can be free is if I am terrified into authenticity again. I feel disgusted with myself to have this thought/drive, and I can't understand where this self-loathing (what my T called it) or instinct for harm or whatever it is comes from. Has anyone else experienced this? I feel like I need to be raped again to be freed from myself, because I am just so trapped within walls otherwise.

I should add, it's been a long time now since my assault, about 1.5 years, so it's not like an immediate reaction by any means.

 

[Deleted member 24866]

Not quite the same thing- but maybe it will help you- IDK. My PTSD is actually related to a gang rape from when I was 15.. but kept finding myself as a runaway in terrible situations that continually added trauma- sometimes life only gives you shitty choices. Fast forward to the last relationship I had, seemed fine initially- I was inspired by his sobriety and he seemed to have it together. Anyhow after 6 months in I despite being on the pill got pregnant. With in a week he was drinking and it grew to terrible abuse. I stuck around and was treated like a yoyo for a long time- the first year of my childs life moving 8 times.. he would rape me- he strangled me till I blacked out.. yada yada- I hate this jerk I am now stuck with to a degree - we split up over a year ago now, child is 3. Any how the strangulation has disturbed me and created some physical flashbacks- ignited my PTSD through out the relationship ---of course. But I never experienced the physical flashbacks and pain.. recurring nightmares. So I came here and people said- its part of the deal and try self soothing. I choose rather the self defense route.. (granted I am a bit defensive and have no desire for a relationship as to many men have turned out to be assholes) ..so sometimes I ask my mom, and friends - "pretend you are going to choke me" so I can practice the correct sequences in various positions - to escape. The practice helps.. some don't get it.. maybe not the same- but I think the physical exercise teamed with the new knowledge - has set me free from the flashbacks and in my dream I am fighting him off.. I feel like its progress- I just need to connect with a dojo so I am around the right people. IDK.. related? I feel better about me.. but I am staying pretty distant and a bit bitchy to intentionally keep people at arms length. Those who can handle it can stay- and those who can not- would never be able to understand anyway. Figure goodbyes are just part of life. (Sucks I am forced to have to sit with him tomorrow though and I start to feel the f*cking choking again-- argh) life.. deep breaths.

 

[Friday]

What you're probably talking about is called "retraumatization". And it's very, very common. Whether it's consciously seeking out the same trauma, putting yourself in the way of it -purposefully or not-, or though absolutely no fault of your own.

Also... I hate to add this... But a year and a half is almost no time whatsoever. It's going to take awhile.

 

[deer_in_headlights]

Dear Miriam,

I think it's your wanting to feel in control of your life and body, thinking if you could have a similar experience, it'll help you feel again.

This is not the way to get your life back - subjecting yourself to further violence. Believe me, each rape displaces more of you, and you retreat further into a numbed shell.

I would highly recommend reading Dr. Peter Levine's books, and if you can find a Somatic Experiencing therapist, I think you might find the re-awakening you're seeking.

www.traumahealing.org

-----
Hi Melissa,

I have also been traumatized by a repeat rapist choking and strangling me.
If you can find a "Model Mugging" group, they are astounding! I have taken their basic and advanced self-defense courses, for powerful skills in self-protection, and to resolve some trauma issues.

They even designed a custom attack for me, so I could practice defending myself from a rapist starting to strangle me. I no longer have strangulation nightmares, and can cope with the flashbacks. It was a healing blast!

Take a look, I think you'd love this!
http://modelmugging.org/

http://modelmugging.org/ptsd-self-defense/

Locations:
Link Removed

 

[Friday]

To continue from above, since you might not actually mean retraumatization, even though that's how I'm reading it... There are some other things which aren't necessarily direct reT, although they can end up that way, that are double edged swords in my own life.


1) I tend to repeat things in my life until I can get them "right". So there's that. Even if a thing can't be gotten "right", the impulse is still there. Okay. Again. And again. Once more. Again. Let's do this thing. C'mon. Again!

This is true for both the good things in my life and the bad. So I have to mind myself that I'm not applying a personality trait that is awesome for sports, or learning, or exposure therapy, or whatever... To something that plain and simple can not only never be gotten "right", but even if it could? Probably shouldn't be.


2) Another piece is that where I feel alive? Really, truly alive? Is either when my life is on the line (even in a general sense; 90% of living and working in a combat zone is drop dead boring, but I'm still 1000x more alive there than I am back "home")...Aka Adrenaline Junkie, &/or I'm completely connected to the world around me / person in front of me.

• Adrenaline Junkie. I run hot. I know it. So I take steps (usually) to meet those needs in healthy ways, instead of self destructing. I need outlets. Places to blow off steam, and tap that energy.

• Connected to the person is front of me? Is longhand for sex. Or speaking without words. But mostly sex. I don't mean mechanics, and I don't mean love. I mean fully and completely present. In exactly this moment. Connected to another person, and to myself, and all my senses. It's my favourite grounding tool.

Some good examples of blowing off steam in healthy versus unhealthy ways would be sparring vs a bar fight vs picking a fight outside my weight class v picking a fight with someone I love. = Healthy v Less Healthy v Outright Stupidity v Burning Bridges. ((I included that last one, because while it doesn't put my life physically on the line, it puts my day to day life on the line.)) Another example in that vein is having sex inside a healthy committed relationship vs catting around aka casual sex with whomever vs vs staying in an abusive or unhealthy relationship purely for the sex.

Even the healthy versions of these can lead to retraumatization, or new trauma. That's not my goal, however. It's a sometimes byproduct. Which may or may not be splitting hairs. I don't know. I do know that life entails risk. If I'm being healthy, I'm assessing those risks honestly, and making choices based on . If I'm not? I'm seeking them out for the thrill of it.

 

[Deleted member 1860]

I went through an extreme phase of wanting to fight (PHYSICALLY fight) all the time. I was obsessed with the movie "Fight Club" because I interpreted it in a different way than most of mainstream society. 24/7 it was just like "I WANT TO FIGHT!!!" but of course, I never did. And it wasn't so much about hurting other people, it was about having someone else hurt me. But how the hell does one find an underground fight club for women? Ya got me. (I prefer the company of men, but know no half way respectable guy would ever fight me, blah.) It took awhile, but I outgrew my urges to fight. (This phase started after I went through self-injury treatment, so I know the cessation of SI correlated with the urges to fight.)

BTW I have both sexual and physical trauma in my past.

 

[Deleted member 24866]

I appreciate the info in this thread, as I do the site. Thank you deer_in_the_headlights I am very excited to check out the links. Thus far I have been watching the Krav maga series, I also looked up being attacked by someone much larger and found this valuable (this guy is a foot taller and almost double my weight - I'm a 5' 2" spitfire so I guess that's not hard.) Also videos regarding.. pressure points..were very enlightening and really knocked it into my head care is needed in sparring and the dojo is probably the best place for it unless broken arms by accident sound fun- and not so much to me anyhow).. also for the sake of healing and faster recoveries with precision its less about strength. Let me assure you though a hiking stick (see bo staff) is a girls best friend. Even in the city people are cool with it as long as you check it at the door. And it has already saved my butt. There I a time to let the inner bitch out. A dark street your forced to walk down with assholes following you is a good place for it. A demo that I could kick their butt was enough to send them off rapidly. I don't look for trouble just sometimes I think I am a magnet or something.. I have no choice but to accept it and survive. Its kinda like dancing- perhaps more useful though. I do recognize a block I have however when I care about someone I take way to much not wanting them to be hurt- and learning that feeling is not always mutual. I don't get it- but I'm done taking it. Hence better to just remain as I am. Intact and energies undivided. I appreciate the depth of companionship this site is able to provide however till groups in my area come into being. I have had far more success than with a therapist on my own. I learn their tools fast but they can't keep up probably to busy taking stupid notes collecting checks and wasting my gas money. Just my opinion.

 

[theshadowoftheliving]

I can't quite remember the source article, but I know that it was van Der kolk who said this:

(And I'm deliriously paraphrasing at 4am ...)

Whatever the body cannot metabolize, it is doomed to repeat at some level.

Meaning, the fact that you have not processed this mean that you need to repeat it. So, the solution is the processing:entering into and enduring, replaying and rethinking and cognitively restructuring to make it make sense in a manner that does not need to be re enacted (as the body's way of attempting mastery over this seemingly impossible situation.)

 

[Sammyiam]

I can't quite remember the source article, but I know that it was van Der kolk who said this:


Meaning, the fact that you have not processed this mean that you need to repeat it. So, the solution is the processing:entering into and enduring, replaying and rethinking and cognitively restructuring to make it make sense in a manner that does not need to be re enacted (as the body's way of attempting mastery over this seemingly impossible situation.)

Would that be the same as to why I have nightmares every night and have done all my life, around being raped and held at knife point and all sorts of horrible things. Some the same as my past but some of it nothing to do with it ( I still have all my arms and legs haven't had any ripped off like my dreams) but it's always around the same theme just in different ways and different people doing different things.

 

[joeylittle]

the only way I feel i can be free is if I am terrified into authenticity again. I feel disgusted with myself to have this thought/drive, and I can't understand where this self-loathing (what my T called it) or instinct for harm or whatever it is comes from. Has anyone else experienced this? I feel like I need to be raped again to be freed from myself, because I am just so trapped within walls otherwise.

I've had this.

Really dumb suggestion, probably, but have you tried doing any extreme sport or activity? It actually doesn't need to be that extreme, so long as you are fully physically and mentally engaged and there is some perceived (or actual) risk factor. I have had more success with things that move fast, like bungee, zip-lining, trapeze, horse-jumping - as opposed to rock-climbing, rappelling, things like that. I'd ski if I were in the right area.

Just a thought. Might be way off base.

 

[theshadowoftheliving]

@Sammyiam To me it makes sense, but I certainly can't say. I'm not a psychologist at all, just an idiot who reads everything she can on-and-off-line. Within my own personal experience, it makes so much sense - an attempt to process and an attempt to renact for mastery sake (although I get angry at my brain because it obviously doesn't ACTUALLY help sometimes ....).

 

[finding_my_way]

Whatever the body cannot metabolize, it is doomed to repeat at some level.

Thank you everyone so much for responding. The above statement really resonated with me. I have just been so good at pushing the trauma away, and I don't know how else to process it. I don't know what that even means really - I've done the Rape Recovery Handbook, talked to my therapist a little, and I thought I was past it. Now, it's like I'm thrown back into the depression surrounding this event. I definitely think this is my body's way of saying I'm not over it.

All the suggestions and links are really helpful. I am working through them all and really appreciate the support and validation that this is normal. It makes me feel more okay with my thoughts instead of simply disgusted with myself.