Don't Touch Me.

[Friday]

It's not okay to touch people without their consent.....I know I'm being a little dramatic but c'mon, it's not like this is a new concept.

I don't understand why people feel the need to touch others that they aren't all that close to. It's an invasion, it's terrifying, and I want it to stop.

At first I thought you were venting... And if so? Ignore the rest ;) Taking this literally, however:

People find social contact socially acceptable for the same reason people find using other people's first names socially acceptable. Meaning that's what they were taught. If that doesn't make sense?

Who do these f*cking people think they are that they think they rate using my first name? First names are only for friends, close confidantes, and loved ones!!! How freaking rude and disrespectful! How dare they??? What kind of f*cking moron thinks they have the right to my name??? Back. The. f*ck. Off.

;) In this country, most people use each other's first names without thinking twice about it. It's not a sign of disrespect. It doesn't mean we're a generation of cocktail waitresses. It's just a different culture. It's "polite", and acceptable to use someone's first name. In fact, asking for someone's last name is considered more of an invasion of privacy.

This is not how I grew up. Last names were for public use. First names were only for those close to you. Using someone's first name denoted that you had a personal relationship with them. Not just coworkers who spend 80 hours a week together kind of personal, even that kind of proximity doesn't "count", but an actual emotional connection that required first being given permission to use their first name. In rare circumstance you might give your first name within hours, but in most? Even if you were casually dating someone, first names don't confer without that "You know? You should call me ______."

I got around this... After kicking over it for several years... By changing the order of my names. Since people in this country insist on using first names, I moved my middle name (legally) to my first name, and introduce myself to most people as that. Phew. Relief.

Different cultures.

Ditto... Not a new concept. Miss, Ms., Mrs., Master, Mr. So&So public use. So&So for casual use. Alice or Johnny only for the people closest to you. In parenting forums there is a *huge* divide nationwide over whether children are allowed to call adults by their first name. About 2/3s of the country think it's fine. 1/3 splits... Half believe it should be MissAlice or MrJohnny, the other half Miss So&So or Mr.So&So.

Again. Just different cultural rules. Same as for what & how much & where someone is "allowed" to touch strangers, friends, family, lovers, etc.

 

[Ariane]

@FridayJones i was half venting, half trying to make sense of it. I completely understand what you're saying. Thank you (:

 

[Changing4Best]

I hate it too. One time a black man touched my elbow. I freaked out. I'm sure he thought it was because of his race, but I just don't like men touching me at all. I wonder if we can get T-shirts made that say, "Don't touch me!" It should be on the front and back of the shirt!

 

[Pilgrim]

I hate it when people do this. I hate it even more, when they continue to touch me after being asked - then TOLD - NOT to. Makes me furious.

 

[Ariane]

@Pilgrim ditto, it's disrespectful. And a pain in the arse if they don't understand why, I always feel the need to tell them.

 

[Pilgrim]

@Ariane I usually do too - feel the need to explain why. But, I have found that when I do explain it, that the offender then tells me why MY reasons for not wanting them to touch me, are 'all wrong'. And their wanting to touch me anyway is bc it's 'good for me.' I had one particularly obnoxious and obtuse offender tell me once, "I'm going to love you whether you like it or not.' I H A T E it when other people think they know what I need, more than I do. That person almost got a broken arm out of it, but was saved bc of a lot of prayer, and my strong resolve against hurting her, and my respect for other people who were around.
Eventually I got my point across, and we've worked it out now. And, they've moved, too, which makes it a lot easier on me...

 

[illusionist]

" put me down....you don't know where I've been" said with a very slight smile normally works.

 

[Friday]

That person almost got a broken arm out of it, but was saved bc of a lot of prayer, and my strong resolve against hurting her, and my respect for other people who were around.

Phenomenal self control ; the only reason why some people are still walking and talking.

I rarely break bones in a don't-touch-me-mood. But knock people into walls and onto their ass on the floor a few times before coming to & remembering? They get the drift.

I'm a super touchy feely / highly physical person most of the time. But if I say not to touch me? I mean it. Never without my permission. Person better be a helluva lot bigger, stronger, better positioned, and prepared to hold on. A few friends/lovers have braved that in panic attacks. But when I'm not panicked? So far, 1:1, the only people I haven't managed to reverse on are Aikido peeps. Grappling with an aikido black belt is like trying to hold onto smoke.

Mental note: I really need to go study aikido more :P

 

[Ariane]

@Ariane I usually do too - feel the need to explain why. But, I have found that when...

I'm sorry that they did that :( I completely understand though. Sometimes my family members get upset about it too.... "But I'm an affectionate person," or something along the lines of that.

 

[Ronin]

@Ariane, that you're affectionate person? Doesn't mean anyone is owed anything by you.

I used to be... heh, this gets complicated to untangle. Greatly ties in with how good I am with abuse processing any time & compartmentalizing. If it's 'just' 'expecting greater harm at any moment & not phased by it either', random touch don't bother me.

If I'm stuck in some phase where I feel like guarding my integrity teeth and nail in every aspect, well meant gentle touch gets equivalent of stomped foot, 'sorry, musta been an accident'. Eventually 'I'm out, didn't notice what happened to your knee, that must have been my reflexes all acting up'. I'm usually good using the moment of surprise & disappearing sooner than bigger things break out.

One of my issues is curiosity killed a cat, especially in a bad company. I tend to want to study them while they think I'm defenseless. Been working a few years on this habit & making the curiosity-adrenaline-I-just-don't-give-a-f*ck happy cold space move out & not be an automatic stance.

 

[ghotiff]

And their wanting to touch me anyway is bc it's 'good for me.' I had one particularly obnoxious and obtuse offender tell me once, "I'm going to love you whether you like it or not.' I H A T E it when other people think they know what I need, more than I do.

I had this recently with someone I will have to see regularly...she said last time I saw her that she is "going to keep hugging me until I like it"...ahhhhh. I was/am thinking about telling her the sexual abuse for 10years story. Friends have advised me that this is complete overkill and inappropriate....but given her relationship to my family I think it would be effective, at least because it would make her feel awkward and thus cause her to pause a little each time.

 

[Ariane]

@Ariane, that you're affectionate person? Doesn't mean anyone is owed anything by you....

I'm sorry, at the present time I'm having a hard time comprehending things, I'm not mentally here at all. I don't fully understand some of what you are saying. :(