Double Duty: When Both Partners Have Ptsd

[Lionheart]

I am hoping to find love and I would like to get some feedback about being in a relationship with someone else who also suffers with PTSD.

I think it could be hard if both partners haven't done the same amount of healing work, but in another way I think it would be great to have a friend/lover/partner who is understanding and sensitive to the issues that we face.

What do you think???? Is it worth the extra effort involved to try to do double duty???

Thank you in advance for your replies,

Lion

 

[KwanYingirl]

I was in a relationship with a charming guy who would dissociate and become the most vile, horrific abuser. Then things would calm down and he would try to make up for his violence. What's notable is his insistence that he didn't need help. If everybody just lived for his benefit he'd still find some kind of grudge against them. It was not happiness. He stalked me after I kicked him out and have finally got some relief because he has moved to Florida.
I was of the mind that if he would get therapy and learn some healthy coping skills, then I would move forward. But he was not willing at the time to do anything but batter people.
Tread carefully. If someone seems too good to be true then they probably aren't. I went to AA to get sober. The men that truly embraced the 12 step program were wonderful people. I'm sure it's the same for men with PTSD. If they are sincerely trying to heal and not blaming then I'd say go for it. Make sure he can hold a job though. You don't want to have him use you.

 

[Deleted member 1860]

Highly individualistic topic me thinks. Some of us want someone who will FULLY understand us, some of us want stability that is more likely to be found in a non-PTSD person (don't anyone take offense to this.) I'm over the need of needing someone who truly understands what I deal with. I don't really want someone who fully understands because I don't want someone taking on my pain. What I crave even more is stability, and that is why I won't date (or even befriend) someone else who has PTSD (IRL that is). If someone has PTSD, then there is a certain likelihood of a resurgence of symptoms at one point, and if they are symptomatic at the same time I am.....FIREWORKS! For me personally, being with someone else who has PTSD would end up in me walking on eggshells 24/7 because I'd fear an episode. Of course we're all different, so maybe the work is worth it to others. But, most definitely not for me. I want someone who does not have PTSD (and most other mental disorders are off the table, too).

@KwanYingirl,
I sort of take offense to the hold a job bit. I'm on disability and by that statement, all of us on disability who can't hold jobs are users. Nice.

 

[scout86]

I think you're right, that it could be hard, at least some of the time. But I also think it could be worth it. I think it would depend on the individuals involved more than anything else. I think @Solara has a good point. And yet, over the years, most of the people I've been closest too and felt the most comfortable with have probably had PTSD or, at the very least, have had experiences that could cause it.

A lot of things that are very worthwhile aren't always easy!

 

[illusionist]

I personally would hate him to be understanding and sensitive to my issues and unsure we would find it in another sufferer as we are all unique. For example, I may sound cold here, I could not spend my time on a regular basis boosting someone up, running fetching and dropping everything because he's in a bad place on a regular basis, let alone walking on eggshells. My road has involved a hell of a lot of talking to myself and hefty kicks, not easy ,but to me it's been easier and more productive than sitting and sharing everything with a partner while sobbing into his arms.I personally feel I go into self pity mode then and I hate that. So to someone who needs a lot of support in that way, I would probably make them worse. I've found my stability in a non sufferer.

 

[KwanYingirl]

@Solara. I, too, am disabled. I know what that's like. I hold down a job and even if it is part time it can be challenging. My comment was meant for any suitor. Not isolating Ptsd vs nonPtsd.

 

[Friday]

Some of my best relationships have been with others who have PTSD. Smiley, happy memories. Just effing good men. And we could seriously play, as there was a level of trust I have seldom found elsewhere. As well as the level of understanding where some thigs are just normal... Like singing out before entering a room, and days where one simply shuts the world off, and crazy intense days, and when not to take a single thing out of their mouth seriously, and when to take every twitch seriously. Just good, good relationships.

And a few of my worst relationships. Spark meet gasoline. Bad juju. Shudder.

More about the man himself, than the collection of letters after his name.

 

[Tinyflame]

Totally agree with @FridayJones .

 

[Anarchy]

If only I'd understood at the time, if only... :cry:

Our demons didn't play nicely together.

I retreat, withdraw, isolate, freeze and dissociate - her worst fears were of abandonment, and din't we just trigger each other to hell, and neither of us understood why.

We both have better understanding now of the whats, wheres, whys whos, whens etc, we are friends at a distance, I don't know what the hell would happen if we saw each other (I fear that it would be some very needy sex and a massive fight afterwards - we have some very deep ruts to fall straight back into and follow).

Her therapist tells her that she is "normal", that despite some traits, she wouldn't be diagnosed as borderline.

If we were meeting for the first time, now, things might be different, as we both have way deeper insights than we had when we did meet, or when I finally did abandon her.

I sometimes catch myself trying to make ammends here. A few weeks back there was a woman here who was feeling trapped in an arranged marriage and who'd lied to a guy with PTSD to get into a fling with him, possibly hoping he'd rescue her.
I felt like I recognized her trauma and feelings of desperation and wanted to hug her despite the serious crap her desperate actions had caused for her and everyone around her.

Those are relationships where one party is terrified of abandonment or rejection
What of other PTSD relationships?
- would two bubble dwellers ever get together?
- What of two people who are both haunted by fears of abandonment and rejection?

Perhaps once we are each stable and have some insight, it might be worth a try, but if one person is symptomatic -I think (from my limited experience) that it would be very diffficult for both. I know that there are people here who are in relationship[s where both have PTSD, or at least both have severe traumas in their backgrounds, and I'd be interested to know their experiences too.

 

[scout86]

What of two people who are both haunted by fears of abandonment and rejection?

Actually, my experience is that these people are my best friends and the only people I really trust to have my back. Until sometime after I started therapy, I didn't know the reason. And, probably not all of them have PTSD, but they get those fears.

When I filed for divorce, my ex said that he hoped we could stay friends. I was filing for divorce, basically, because I'd learned I couldn't trust him and I HAVE to be able to trust my friends. I told this story to one of my "real friends". His immediate response was "You'd take a bullet for your friend!" Yep! Exactly that. Or, you'd get in a big argument about who got to take the bullet for who, or the one that lived would feel really bad because they hadn't "been there" for their friend.

So, it's my personal opinion that that combination might work just fine.

 

[Lionheart]

Having a tough day and I am wondering if it is too late in life for me to find love with someone who can understand PTSD and accept me as I am?:unsure:

Sometimes I think having two people with PTSD would be too much of a hardship and other times, when I talk to the people here, they are so warm, friendly, supportive and encouraging that I just want to grab em, hug em up, and take them home to meet my mother!!!:laugh: (well some of them anyways) hee hee;)

I don't know what to think at this point, about anything. After being told I was too "damaged" for a relationship, It knocked the wind out of my sails and can't seem to get going again. :tdown:

I don't know now, if there is any difference in a "double duty" relationship or not, it just all seems so very hard sometimes.Still I do very much appreciate everyone's responses / replies and will take all things into consideration.

Lion

 

[illusionist]

In that person's mind you are too damaged....that's only their opinion lionheart....that doesn't make it a fact for every possible relationship in the future. Who is perfect? It's about finding someone who is compatible with you, and you them. I waited a long time, settled into single life, accepted it and met my partner. You just never know.