Double Duty: When Both Partners Have Ptsd

[Lionheart]

Thank you @richter scale that is just exactly what I needed to hear tonight.

 

[Deleted member 1860]

I think the main difference in a double duty relationship is whether or not you are suited to be a supporter or not. There are quite a few supporters who come here who are not suited to be PTSD supporters. I think that just because we have PTSD doesn't mean by a long shot that we know how to support someone with PTSD. Throw me on the other side and I'm completely clueless.

 

[intothelight]

@Lionheart777 I believe that relationships are as healthy as the people that are in them. However, we are all human and no one is perfect and sometimes I think that having PTSD (or other chronic illness) tends to make us define ourselves in terms of the limitations. These are things that we have an not who we are and it is the same with the people in our life.

Be accepting of others and ourselves (not accepting of abuse) and building a relationship on transparency, honestly, trust and understanding, I don't think the words "too damaged" apply with the right person. It is scary to open up and allow someone in as there is always the risk of rejection or hurt, but to not try keeps us alone and our world small.

Take a chance as you never know what will become of it. Trust yourself and if it doesn't feel right let it go, but enjoy the journey along the way.

 

[Lionheart]

@Lionheart777 I believe that relationships are as healthy as the people that are in them.

Be accepting of others and ourselves (not accepting of abuse) and building a relationship on transparency, honestly, trust and understanding, I don't think the words "too damaged" apply with the right person.

Take a chance as you never know what will become of it. Trust yourself and if it doesn't feel right let it go, but enjoy the journey along the way.

Wise words from a wise friend and I thank you so much @intothelight !!! :inlove:

I have a younger lady interested in me and although there is more than a few years between us and I don't think it will be a permanent Long Term Relationship, I do think I have made a new friend at least. We will see how it goes.

There were several replies of interest to my personals add and I at least feel very flattered and happy about that.

So, I am trying and not letting the hurt and rejection hold me back. Although last night, I did have some moments of sorrow over lost opportunities in my past and doubt of finding a mate.

I shed a few tears and could not get to sleep until the wee hours of the morning, but I do feel a lot better today, more open, less hurt and more hopeful as well!!!

Please if you pray, remember me or if you would just continue to be a friend I would be so grateful to you!

Thanks again for sharing your wisdom and for the encouragement!!! I will take it all under advisement! ;):tup::happy:
:hug::hug::hug::hug:'s
Many Blessings to you,
Lion

 

[Svendiddie]

5 years ago I married a man with PTSD, knowing full well that he did. After the first couple years things started getting rougher. He would shut down, retreat and go into what I refer to as his "dark place". I started having a couple shots of vodka every night just to get through. I finally went to see a counselor and guess what? I have PTSD too! (very abusive past relationship) However, being single I had learned to cope, now we just triggered each other. Is it easy? Hell no. It is worth it?.......I think so. We now talk openly and we are free to hold each other accountable.

 

[Sighs]

@Lionheart777 - I realise some time has passed since your last post, but I'm hoping that you didn't let an age difference put you off. I'm 10 years younger than my vet and initially he thought he was too old for me. I think its about stage of life not age. Our children are similar ages (adults or almost adults) and we have similar interests and values.

I'm not a PTSD sufferer but my father had combat PTSD from before I was born so I think I'm very understanding of a lot of the 'quirks' that come with combat PTSD.

On a bad day, my vet will say he can't be in a relationship with anyone because he is too broken. After 2 years together he is finally coming around to the idea that maybe, just maybe, he can,

:hug: if you accept them.

 

[Lionheart]

@Sighs Thank you for your reply to this thread. I think you are right about the stage of life rather than age.

Best wishes,
Lion

 

[Zeigha]

I started dating my girlfriend on my birthday, knowing full well I was entering into a double duty relationship with another abuse survivor with PTSD and BPD as well(we're diagnoses twins basically) who wasn't quite out to her family(we're both bi women). It's wonderful. The best thing I could've asked for, but I wonder sometimes if quiet times are isolation or abandonment. Usually, if I wait long enough she speaks though. It's still rather a new relationship though, so I don't know if this is going to crash and burn yet. I sincerely want it to work out.

 

[WyRose]

Great thread that helped me clarify my issues. I have C-PTSD and the woman I've been exploring a relationship with via email (before she moves to my area for her own reasons) probably has PTSD too. One thing I realize is my trauma is triggered by injured, unhealthy people - a tendency to fall for a potential, not a real relationship. So this relationship is an orange flag in that respect; also because I am in a safe zone where I
don' t have to risk much because of the email.

We're meeting ftf for the first time in 4 days and I'm getting scared - having serious freezing problems. Not just for the normal first date jitters, but because she already seems to have fallen for me and may also be an addict in recovery. Please don't get me wrong, I respect people in recovery. At the same time, I've had painful relationships with recovering people that leave me gun shy.

The posts here helped me see that different people with trauma handle their healing in various ways, and I need to assess if her level of self care is stable and compatible with my own. The fear comes in because I know this is almost impossible to do when you don't get the chance to observe a person's behaviour regularly.

The other part is wondering if even considering this relationship is a waste of time. It feels awful to admit that, but I know I'd feel more secure with someone who didn't have PTSD or addiction in their "baggage". Problem is, is it unrealistic to find such a person?

 

[Cult]

If only I'd understood at the time, if only... :cry:

Our demons didn't play nicely together.

I retreat...

This is the situation I find myself in with my wife.

We love each other but we're not good for each other.

Every conflict is an immediate re-trigger for one or the both of us - had a nasty scene just a few hours ago. I had to take a Klonopin to relax and now I am back to baseline, but I shouldn't need Klonopin to regulate myself after a fight with my spouse.

If I had a crystal ball we would not be married - for this and other reasons.

I think if the demons can play nicely together and both parties are insightful, working hard to heal, and are really committed to the relationship, then it can work. In my case unfortunately the demons hate each other and fight to the death.

 

[cupfish]

My husband and I both have PTSD. It's great and it's hell. The hellish part is when we are both triggered; no matter the reason for the triggers we devolve into mistrust and anger. The great part is not having to explain yourself, or hide your real self.

Would I do it again? Maybe not. Or I would not have gotten myself into this peacemaker/problem-solver/only-person-he-trusts position earlier in our relationship. Now I feel trapped into a role where traditionally I have been the one to make things better, end fights, seek peace. He feels trapped that, as step-father and husband, he is "alone" and the rest of us are aligned as blood relatives on the opposite side. Bullcrap, but that's what his sick brain sees. TRUST and PTSD do NOT play well together.

Respect is a two-way street. A happy household takes input and compromise and positive and supportive efforts from all inhabitants.

 

[taschanicole]

I am in a healthy happy loving relationship with a man who also has PTSD. He is the only one who has ever understood the issues that matter and the things most people misinterpret. He sees my heart. I see his. I get what bothers him, as he does me. We are constant therapy for each other. Its the best, it's not double duty. Its freedom.