Everhopeful
Silver Member
It is rough living with a person whose life has been so messed up. I am a very quiet, slow living, unassuming kind of woman. My life has a certain routine and I am very independent and rely on nobody for anything. I am not rich, but I hold down a job and things are ok.
Enter into my life, four months ago, a man who has known nothing other than a dysfunctional family, sexual and emotional abuse at the hand of a maternal uncle (paedophile who is still getting away with it and leading a double life as a well-known businessman), sexual abuse and emotional abuse at the hands of both parents. Bullying at school.
He has had dysfuctional relationships as a young adult (repetition compulsion to work through unresolved childhood hurts?). A life of drug abuse and joining a gang for some years. Living in a terrible place in the ganglands of South Africa. Being sent to the worst possible prison in this country as an awaiting trial prisoner and going through terrible things there - gang rapes etc. Spending 10 days in that hell hole. Having the charges suddenly dropped and being set free. (His abusive father had a hand in the whole prison episode and continues to gloat about it to this day). Numerous suicide attempts throughout his life. Being misdiagnosed time and again by the doctors in our state hospitals as borderline personality, schizophrenic, narcissistc personality disorder, etc.
I met him quite by accident, as we were both running a 50km endurance run. I was taken in by his determination and steely resolve to turn his life around. However, he had a breakdown a few weeks after moving in with me. He has been in a psychiatric hospital and under psychiatric and psychological treatment for bipolar mood disorder and complex PTSD. His medication seems to have stabilised the drastic mood swings, and the psychotherapy was helping him to open up, but it became much too painful and he has stopped for now. Although he agrees that he still needs years and years of therapy.
Which brings me to me: I love this man with all my soul and in my belief system, this is a love at the spiritual level almost. But I am starting to feel quite drained and emotionally wrung out right now. I know I am a very strong person, I have had enough upheavel in my own childhood and continue to have dysfunctional family dynamics especially with my mother and her latest version of a bully of a man as husband. But my resistance has been severely eroded these past few months.
My husband has decided to embark on another long cross-country endurance walk with a purpose (830kms). He was doing one of these walks when we met (1,000kms). He just takes a backpack and some belongings and heads off on a certain route, camping overnight in a tent. He feels that his life's purpose is to be an example to others how not to drift into a life of drug abuse. He has been off drugs for 2 years to the day he will set off on his walk (11th Sept). He checks in with people along the way to tell his story, especially schools so that he can speak to children.
I am feeling relieved on one hand, that these four months of sitting around at home in various states of anxiety, panic and confusion are now hopefully behind him. I am relieved he can find a purpose and renew his spirit and hopefully find some self-belief and self-confidence again. I hope it helps him to learn to accept and love himself a little bit. I hope the physical activity and the reaching out to others, can in itself be a form of therapy.
I am scared witless at the thought of what lies ahead in the next months. Will he be safe? Will he be knocking himself out with strong tranquilisers at times (like he has been doing consistently at home these 4 months)? Will his judgment be compromised? Am I being reckless in letting him go? Will he get himself into serious financial trouble and call on me for even more funds of our already depleted funds? Will people receive him well along the way, or take one look at his tattoos on his neck and arms and write him off as a criminal, without looking into the heart of the man? Will he be emotionally and mentally ok? Will he start stressing about how he thinks my mother will try to talk me out of being married to him because she and her awful husband don't approve of him?
On Saturday evening, as we drive to the long distance bus station, and he boards his bus to the other end of this country (he plans to walk down the length of thecountry back to where we live), I will have to gather every ounce of faith and hope and trust in the Universe, that this will all work out for the best. I know I need to let him go forth and start conquering his demons all over again.
Enter into my life, four months ago, a man who has known nothing other than a dysfunctional family, sexual and emotional abuse at the hand of a maternal uncle (paedophile who is still getting away with it and leading a double life as a well-known businessman), sexual abuse and emotional abuse at the hands of both parents. Bullying at school.
He has had dysfuctional relationships as a young adult (repetition compulsion to work through unresolved childhood hurts?). A life of drug abuse and joining a gang for some years. Living in a terrible place in the ganglands of South Africa. Being sent to the worst possible prison in this country as an awaiting trial prisoner and going through terrible things there - gang rapes etc. Spending 10 days in that hell hole. Having the charges suddenly dropped and being set free. (His abusive father had a hand in the whole prison episode and continues to gloat about it to this day). Numerous suicide attempts throughout his life. Being misdiagnosed time and again by the doctors in our state hospitals as borderline personality, schizophrenic, narcissistc personality disorder, etc.
I met him quite by accident, as we were both running a 50km endurance run. I was taken in by his determination and steely resolve to turn his life around. However, he had a breakdown a few weeks after moving in with me. He has been in a psychiatric hospital and under psychiatric and psychological treatment for bipolar mood disorder and complex PTSD. His medication seems to have stabilised the drastic mood swings, and the psychotherapy was helping him to open up, but it became much too painful and he has stopped for now. Although he agrees that he still needs years and years of therapy.
Which brings me to me: I love this man with all my soul and in my belief system, this is a love at the spiritual level almost. But I am starting to feel quite drained and emotionally wrung out right now. I know I am a very strong person, I have had enough upheavel in my own childhood and continue to have dysfunctional family dynamics especially with my mother and her latest version of a bully of a man as husband. But my resistance has been severely eroded these past few months.
My husband has decided to embark on another long cross-country endurance walk with a purpose (830kms). He was doing one of these walks when we met (1,000kms). He just takes a backpack and some belongings and heads off on a certain route, camping overnight in a tent. He feels that his life's purpose is to be an example to others how not to drift into a life of drug abuse. He has been off drugs for 2 years to the day he will set off on his walk (11th Sept). He checks in with people along the way to tell his story, especially schools so that he can speak to children.
I am feeling relieved on one hand, that these four months of sitting around at home in various states of anxiety, panic and confusion are now hopefully behind him. I am relieved he can find a purpose and renew his spirit and hopefully find some self-belief and self-confidence again. I hope it helps him to learn to accept and love himself a little bit. I hope the physical activity and the reaching out to others, can in itself be a form of therapy.
I am scared witless at the thought of what lies ahead in the next months. Will he be safe? Will he be knocking himself out with strong tranquilisers at times (like he has been doing consistently at home these 4 months)? Will his judgment be compromised? Am I being reckless in letting him go? Will he get himself into serious financial trouble and call on me for even more funds of our already depleted funds? Will people receive him well along the way, or take one look at his tattoos on his neck and arms and write him off as a criminal, without looking into the heart of the man? Will he be emotionally and mentally ok? Will he start stressing about how he thinks my mother will try to talk me out of being married to him because she and her awful husband don't approve of him?
On Saturday evening, as we drive to the long distance bus station, and he boards his bus to the other end of this country (he plans to walk down the length of thecountry back to where we live), I will have to gather every ounce of faith and hope and trust in the Universe, that this will all work out for the best. I know I need to let him go forth and start conquering his demons all over again.
