Dread Monster

[Casey_03]

Apologies in advance to anyone who is sick of my frequent posting lately. I just need to whine for a moment. My psycho ex's arrival in town has sent my stress levels skyrocketing; those stress levels were already at an all-time high ahead of my huge relocation planned for the end of the month.

I can't eat (and I need to, I'm breastfeeding). I keep wanting/trying to cry but can't. I am having trouble breathing every day and can't even tell if these are panic attacks or not. It literally feels like someone has me gripped by the throat, all day and every day. Can't sleep even if I take Melatonin. Have no motivation to do all the things I absolutely must do to ensure the relocation goes smoothly.

I know what the trigger is in all this and I know perfectly well why I'm feeling this way. But I'm incredibly angry and can't seem to vent that anger. I have spent the last year in a real-life hell. First the very tough pregnancy in a foreign country with no support network and constant harassment and bulling from the ex. Then the birth, also with no support. Then the past four months spent singlehandedly raising a newborn and working two jobs, again with no support, financial or otherwise.

And just when I thought I saw a light on the horizon , this assholes comes back and begins another onslaught. I have him blocked; I am not in communication with him. But the sheer knowledge that he is here, in my city, staying right down the block from me, is too much for me to bear. i used to believe in karma.

I don't anymore. Because he's been getting away with this for impunity for the past year, and I'm being punished for no reason. For bringing life into this world.

 

[Casey_03]

Ugh. I can tell by my typos in this that this is affecting me more than I thought : /

 

[Mytime]

Just wanted to send you a :hug:

 

[Gs172003]

I'm sorry honey. This is so hard. Can you take some self defense classes like the kwon do or something to not only get out the anger but to feel empowered when Mr wonderful comes around?

 

[Casey_03]

@missy meier Thanks, I definitely will once I've made the move, but right now there's no time for it. I trained in Kenpo, Krav Maga, Systema and Kali for many years but I'm sure I'm not in the best shape anymore. Either way, it will help to get out the rage I feel. I'm honestly more worried about him blindsiding me somehow. I could see him throwing acid in my face or something and running away. That's the kind of attack he'd launch.

 

[Gs172003]

@missy meier Thanks, I definitely will once I've made the move, but right now there...

A CCW is good too. Good lord what an ass. I'm sorry you have to deal with him

 

[IamFree]

Do not apoligise you are not whining. It is very constructive to sound of here and you have the chance to receive some support rather than going to people who don't understand or care or have the resources to be of service. Your being so hard on yourself about the typos .We can be very hard on are selfs traumatised people. Healthy people here are listening to what you are saying not how you are writing it.

 

[IamFree]

PS I am sorry you do not believe in karma. I believe people like this live in a dung heap of there own creation and he is very deep in it already

 

[NaeNae75]

Apologies in advance to anyone who is sick of my frequent posting lately. I just need to whine for a moment.

No apologies necessary....you're going through something very real. When I post "frequently" I usually feel the same way, but being on this side of it, I don't find it inappropriate.

i used to believe in karma.

I don't anymore. Because he's been getting away with this for impunity for the past year, and I'm being punished for no reason. For bringing life into this world.

I can't tell you whether to "believe in karma" or not, but I don't think karma is always "instant" or on our time frame. He may be "getting away" with stuff in your perspective for the last year, but that isn't necessarily true in the big picture. I hope too, once you settle a little, that you're not being "punished". Are you dealing with a bunch of crappy stuff? Absolutely! But that doesn't necessarily equal punishment, it can just be "bad stuff happens". In order to be punished, you have to have done something wrong...and you haven't.

Very soon, in the matter of weeks, you will be able to follow through with your plan to make your life better. That is a good thing. You will be putting yourself in a position to improve you and your child's lives. I know it will be hard, but it's still good. Hard doesn't have to equal bad. You're in the trenches right now, so it's hard to see it, but it will get better for you. You're a survivor....no - a fighter. You have persevered through other terrible times in your life, so this shouldn't be any different.

As far as he's concerned...he's likely panicked himself, deservedly so. But that also doesn't equal "getting away with". This last ditch effort is too little, too late...and the reality is, that he's losing. Because of his abusive nature, he doesn't have you and he doesn't have the baby. (and he very definitely shouldn't) Pretty soon, he's going to have to lie in the bed he's made for himself. It will be very unlikely and difficult for him to have any recourse in fixing any of it. So what you see right now as him "getting away with it" is really him panicking because he's realized he lost. He's just grasping at straws at this point. He isn't winning, and really, I don't see anything he can do at this point to stop you. He's terrorizing you right now, because that's all he knows. He's trying to break you and hope that it postpones something for you. So fight hard as you ever have, and don't let him win. He really is in a losing position right now.

Unfortunately, because of your history, his panic is making you panic because of how terrorizing he is. Keep up you strength....I know you have little support from you biological family, but we support you. We get it. I have zero support from my biological family either...but I substitute it for what I do have. You do have us. Do you have any friends, or anyone there that can help escort you some of the places you may need to go? Are there any women's advocates there at all? I know being in another country, that may not happen...I genuinely don't know.

I sincerely have you in my thoughts and prayers. You can do this....anyone can see from your history here you are strong. You may not feel like it right now, but you are! You're resourceful and smart. You can do this!!!

 

[Freedomfighter]

Apologies in advance to anyone who is sick of my frequent posting lately. I just need to whine for a m...

Ohhh, we are allowed to say asshole in here? Cool, because my ex is one of those that seems to think he can just reintroduce his abuse back into my life at any time as he pleases.

My father is also an asshole who I have learned a lot about. He has absolutely no respect for women, does not care about any of their opinions, thinks that women are only on this earth to fill his every wish. Disgusting.

Then there are those daily assholes that think they can make a great catch, albeit they are sorry ass loosers who will do just about anything to get to a real woman.

Tired of those everyday assholes.

 

[Gs172003]

Ohhh, we are allowed to say asshole in here? Cool, because my ex is one of those that seems to t...

Bam!

 

[aut555]

Ohhh, we are allowed to say asshole in here? Cool, because my ex is one of those that seems to t...

Thank you, l am so glad you voiced this. Thought l was the only one that thought that way. Thank you, thank you. You made my weekend with this comment. May the heavens open and grant you all your desires!!

Me too, l am tired of men picking themselves out for me. No, asshole, pass. This gives being alone new meaning, priceless. Anytime you need to vent, welcome to my profile. Lol