Dying Dad Wants To Come Out-need Advice

[Deleted member 29899]

We've all said and done negative things to people in our lives, unless someone thinks they are an exception to this?
I don't know what your history with your dad is....neglect, abuse, mostly absent father....
Nevertheless don't underestimate this last meeting with your father. It may just surprise you. It potentially could bring you peace with the relationship. People act and relate differently when they know they're leaving this world and will never see someone again. sometimes they will be their 'true' selves like you've never seen before.
I think you should not only do it for him but for yourself as well. It may be a gift for the both of you.

 

[Ghostybear73]

I appreciate all the advise and will let it sink in. Give it a couple days to really think about it. I think if he made any effort in the past 9 years, it might be easier for me to make a decision. My heart is hard and the fact that he is dying shouldn't matter in my book, you either want to be a grandfather or you don't and when you do, like with my son, you don't call him names, like tell him he's a f*cking ass because he doesn't agree with the my dads smoking weed. My son is 22 and he can handle about anything. If he did that to my daughter, she would be devastated.

Man, it's so hard to really decide on this one.

Thank you all again for your advice and prospectives, I appreciate it.

 

[Deleted member 12723]

Do you feel up to even letting him into your life after he abused you and your son. He seems to be a manipulator and I wonder what the real agenda he has is.

He has not been there for you and now he is behaving badly without apology or remorse or guilt.

I had to disconnect from my own father and I did not even know he was dying. I heard that he died after suffering for a very long time and I am glad he is out of my life for good and I do not have to worry about him anymore he was so toxic.

What if your dad really wants you to take care of him since he is dying? I am just guessing now.

Follow your heart and your gut instincts and you will choose what is best for all of you. I wish you the best on this one.

 

[Friday]

This is a mans dying wish- to see you one last time. An argument over the Internet should NOT come into play during a time like this. This man NEEDS to see his child for the last time on earth. It sounds like he needs to make amends. Maybe that doesn't mean anything to you, maybe it might have an impact on you for the good, who knows? Maybe it will melt away your resentment or misunderstandings, but this is not about you. This is about him.

He doesn't need it. He wants it.

I'm guessing you don't have children. Ghosty's loyalty is to them... That's her duty of care... Not to a man she's spent less time with in her life than the local gas station attendant. Even if he had been the best and most present father in the world, much less an abusive/neglectful/absent one, her loyalty would still be to them first and foremost. As it stands, though, this is a man she owes absolutely nothing to.

She's looking at the very real possibility of traumatizing her children (meeting someone society tells you you "should" love for no other reason than then"title" they carry... right before they die is going to be a hard thing for most people in and of itself. Add in the trend of girls going through puberty to get emotionally attached and invested at the drop of a hat? 9-11 tends to be super volatile for girls as they switch back & forth between little kid & hormone driven adolescent. Preadolescence is a, challenging, time to parent.). That the stress alone, much less family-of-origin-issues, has a real potential to drop kick her into a PTSD tailspin, losing weeks/months to being highly symptomatic... Missing out on both time with her children, and the ability to help them through if it turns into a traumatic or grief filled thing for them?

It's not going to be an easy decision, in any course of events.

This is not about him, at all.

This is about @Ghostybear73 & her children. That's her lookout. Her children & her own health. Everything else is tertiary at best.

 

[Ghostybear73]

@FridayJones , I was thinking the same thing in terms of who this is really about. My daughter comes first, which may make me selfish to some people, but that's okay, I can live with that.

Thank you for the reaffirmation .:)

 

[Deleted member 29899]

Oh for Gods sake Friday, chill. Normally I don't even read your stuff.
Ghost you would be in no way 'betraying your children' or forsaking them for goodness sake. Your kid won't become attached in a short time, especially if she knows he won't be around. Children are smarter than that. Ask a therapist. Your younger one is beyond that level already.
Your 'daughter will come first' for the rest of your life. Do you think she could take second stage for what... A day or a week or how long is the visit to be? Your daughter shouldn't come first ALL the time, that's not healthy- at all. And she shouldn't even hear you saying that. That is how divas and entitlement are born.
As important as she truly is, sometimes priorities need to shift from time to time in life, for example when someone is getting married (will your daughter be centre stage when someone in the family is getting married?) or when a baby is born, or when someone is ill, or - someone is dying.

 

[Ed Norton]

Without explaining myself, I would let him visit.

 

[Sammyiam]

Hi Ghosty,
whatever you do, do not let him stay at your house. Make him stay at a motel !!!! Then you have your space if it gets nasty.

Your son is another one that I would ask what he thinks as he knows you the best and what you have been through. He is an adult now and I feel you should talk to him.

Are you going to feel guilty if you don't see him ? Are you going to feel better about anything from the past to do with him if by chance you get a last minute apology ?

How many times has he seen you over the years and your children ? Your daughter is nine years old and he hasn't seen her once ?

Ghosty I have talked often with you. Please do what your heart and gut thinks is the best for you and your family, there has been so much hurt in your life I don't want to see you hurt for one second more.

Take care

Sammy

 

[scout86]

My daughter comes first, which may make me selfish to some people,

My therapist keeps telling me that I over estimate people a lot. Maybe this is another example, but I'd be shocked at anyone who saw this as selfish.

I like the idea of getting your son's input. He was the one involved in the nasty conversation.

I had an ok relationship with my dad, but not my mom. They've each died in the past 6 months. They lived 5 hours away from here. I went to see them each before they died. I'm REALLY glad I saw my dad. My mom didn't even know I was there and there was a blow up with my brother the narcissist. Could have skipped that trip, but I don't regret it. But, when we talked about this before hand, my T did make that point that sometimes very meaningful conversations happen when someone is close enough to the end of their life to really see the door. Maybe redemptive, maybe not, but something about that moment allows the real person to show up. Good OR bad. I guess it's a little like confronting your abuser or telling your family. Sometimes it works like you'd like, sometimes it doesn't. It will be what it will be. There's a good chance it will be the unvarnished truth, but it may not be what you expect or hope. It actually could be EITHER better or worse.

Tough call, but all you can do is the best you can do, and I'm sure you'll do that. :hug:

 

[Ghostybear73]

@Sammyiam and @scout86, I did ask my son and he doesn't think it is a good idea. He says she is too sensitive for something like this. She has never met him and is an incredibly happy child, so why put her through that. How she will act in the future in regards to never meeting is anyone's guess

Ghosty

 

[The Albatross]

I guess my measuring stick is always a decision I can live with. Can I live with the consequences of refusing a visit? In your case, having had him pick an argument on facebook may indicate that he is not a "safe" person. Can I live with/risk my daughter's peace/calm/happiness and take a chance on him... OR can I be at peace with the fact that a man who has never met her and is likely not safe has a wish that is not in you, your daughter's and your family's best interests to fulfil?

You are not obligated to grant his request. If you feel that you can, I concur that his visit be away from your home and that he arrange to stay elsewhere.

Personally, with a strategy... I can most often try. But I make sure it is my own choice and recognize that I am not solely responsible for the events in the relationship that lead to him not ever meeting his granddaughter. I am also not the primary person that has to give or seek rectification or put myself or my household at risk if he can't demonstrate "safe" behaviors.

I guess I have an issue with wanting something but being an ass on facebook. Something really bugs me about that.

 

[Deleted member 20280]

He has not been there for you and now he is behaving badly without apology or remorse or guilt.

IMHO because of the simple above fact he has lost any rights in my eyes. I am an absent father myself who dearly misses his children but am stopped from having any contact at all. No matter how hard I have tried I am toyally blocked from speaking with them. Because of how violent my breakdown was I can totally understand why. It has not been an easy decision to stop trying to contact my kids. I simply put my trust in time being a healer.

At the end of the day we can all have our own opinions on how you would be best to approach this but the final decision is yours and you families to make.

It may be worth sitting down as a family and discussing it between you all before making that final critical decision.

Dearest @Ghostybear73 this has to be one of the toughest situations ever. I send my virtual support and biggest :hug:s. I have got to know you online this past year and I am certain you will make the right choice for your own and family well being.

Laurie