Dysfunction & Fighting: How Do You Deal With It?

[Deleted member 541]

Today I talked with my therapist about what dysfunction, anger, rage, fighting, screaming, and yelling does to me, and how I react to it. I don't handle it well, and if I am to be honest, I run from it. I just can't be around it anymore, and yet growing up, and into my adult life it was part of the fabric of my life. Now, OMG, it just makes me sick.

If I am around someone (people) that are arguing/fighting, in my head I am screaming to myself, "Get the **** out of here." Eventually I do, because I just can't take it.

So, I was wondering, how dose it effect you, and how do you handle it????

 

[James B.]

Lots of fighting (and violence) in our home growing up. Got sucked into lots of horrific verbal fights with my dad as young adult. Me? Anger/yelling/fighitng phobic - it pretty much shreds my cool and I have to bail. People doing angry dialoge @ public place, I am outta there.

Yeah, arguing/fighting/angry voice "phobia". That's me.

Times I have gotten sucked into it, it feels like a vice on my skull - just totally unhealthy for me and no way I can tolerate it.

 

[Michel]

I have been subjected to years and years of rage - first in my marriage, now in my "reenactment therapy" or whatever it is best called. I don't see rage as a necessary part of life, and if I could get away from people who do it (especially when the rage is directed at me), I would. I had seen very little of this sort of thing before my experiences with my husband - never knew people got angry like that - so it's perfectly simple for me to expect someday to have a life free of people who behave that way (if my ****ing therapy ever ends). Of course, we all have to be able to deal with occasional, understandable anger; that's part of normal human relationships. But I see nothing wrong with being unable to deal with raging, screaming... No one has the right to assault you (as I would describe "raging") or even to pollute your environment. Your inclinations to go elsewhere sound reasonable to me.

When I cannot get away from rage, it makes me very, very angry, but that is because no one should ever be subjected to inescapable rage. My "partner" raging at me is a routine part of my drama therapy; since that therapy is forced upon me against my will, I naturally resent it immensely.

 

[intothelight]

Today I talked with my therapist about what dysfunction, anger, rage, fighting, screaming, and yelling does to me, and how I react to it.

Many of the behaviors listed here are entirely unacceptable. Would anyone treat their boss, co-workers, customers, or even strangers that way? Why does anyone think they have the right to treat people they "love" that way? You should leave and let them know why you are leaving. There behavior is inappropriate.

Everyone gets angry, but to lash out at someone is not acceptable. If someone is so angry they cannot control their emotions, then they should "time out". The reasons for the anger should be discussed when they are calmer. Tantrums are OK for a toddler, but not for an adult.

But for those of us to internalize our anger and do not deal with it, it is as unhealthy and destructive, as those who act out. I just haven't figured out how to deal with the anger directed inward. So take my comments with a grain of salt as they are my opinion and it may not be the best advise.

Intothelight

 

[Tiger Kitten]

When I am around that sort of behavior. I try to calmly extract myself from the situation. If I am doing really well that day, I will tell them that their voices should be lowered and they really should work out their problems in a rational manner. When that doesn't work one of two things happen. A. I leave. or B. The calm quiet one (me) shocks them by telling them all (in what they call screech mode) to shut up.

Option B doesn't happen very often. I have only screeched those two words twice. Both times it shocked them into silence. I usually leave before it gets to that point.

There is absolutely no reason to be around that sort of behavior. There is absolutely no reason why anyone should subject another to it. If things cannot be discussed in an acceptable tone of voice, it's best to walk away to cool down. I don't believe there is any real excuse for that sort of behavior. Yelling at someone does nothing but hurt them. It doesn't get your point across. Yelling should only be done when there is a reason i.e. they are too far away to hear a normal tone of voice or they are hard of hearing or there is some danger to be warned about. Yelling can also have therapeutic effects when one is upset or angry as a safety valve for those emotions, but not at another person.

When I am around the sort of dysfunctional stuff it effects me badly. I start shaking. I start getting upset. It feels as though I am in trouble and something really bad is going to happen. If it goes on too long, I will start having flashbacks or get that nervous bottled up anger feeling. Sometimes it makes me physically sick. I don't like the way I feel when I am in that sort of situation, therefore I should take myself out of the situation. Those who follow me and continue to subject me to yelling or anger have been known to learn rather quickly that unless they speak in a normal tone of voice they may as well be talking to a stone wall or a robot that continually repeats "leave me alone". I've learned that if you argue back or defend yourself it just feeds that sort of behavior.

Basically it's a violation of my boundaries. If they argue and fight and yell around me, it upsets me. If they continue to do it, I will leave. I deserve to not be around behavior that upsets me. There is no place in the world I am building for myself for yelling and fighting. Discussing things in a rational manner is acceptable though.

Tiger

 

[Deleted member 541]

It's funny, because for years and years growing up, I basically lived & survived in that type of environment, and now, I just can not handle it. I do fairly ok, (semi) ok while it's happening, but afterward is when I tend to fall apart. It's like I can control myself(sort of) at the time, but then later, it makes me sick. I can't sleep, eat, I have a hard time concentrating, thinking, and I focus back on the fighting, yelling & dysfunction and that is when I lose it completely.

I guess after living a very quiet life, the past 7 years, with none of this crap in my life, and then to be faced with it once again, was just too much for me. Thus, I walked away from the relationship, which had meant so much to me. I just refuse to subject myself to this kind of behavior, and I would rather be alone.

 

[kers]

I brought up a similar question to my therapist, She Cat, and as intothe light said, he said, "What's wrong with that? I think the world needs more people who can't tolerate such behavior." I hadn't thought of it that way. He didn't mean more abuse victims, of course, just that too many people have learned (as we once did) to tolerate abuse.

Like you, I have had to end some otherwise meaningful relationships because I couldn't tolerate them. Maybe other people could, but I wasn't able to. And the relationships that I do have left, the people know that I freak out around raised voices, tensions, etc. They learn to control themselves better around me, or I walk. I see now that it's not such a bad thing, for either of.

 

[Deleted member 541]

Thanks everyone for the responses. Somewhere in my pea brain I know that what I did(walking away) was the right thing to do for me. Self care is important to us, so I know that I made the right decision as far as that is concerned. It's the heart that takes a bit more time to convince.

I also know that dysfunctional behavior is a trigger for me. I lived with it, and though it for years and years, and can not tolerate it now. I just totally can't. Some may say that it is just a stressor, but for me, and what I went through growing up, it's a trigger for me, and I decline quickly. Anxiety, panic, stress, intrusive thinking, eating and sleeping problems arise, self doubt sets in, the scenario playing starts, flashbacks to the fighting, and abuse.... ect, ect, ect. I just don't need this in my life, nor can I handle it at this time.

I know that the DBT group that I start next month deals with issues such as stress(and other things) and how to handle it more effectively. I certainly hope that it will help as far as this is concerned.....

 

[goingonhope]

Some may say that it is just a stressor, but for me, and what I went through growing up, it's a trigger for me, and I decline quickly. Anxiety, panic, stress, intrusive thinking, eating and sleeping problems arise, self doubt sets in, the scenario playing starts, flashbacks to the fighting, and abuse.... ect, ect, ect.

Me too, Wendy! I share your experience of knowing that Dysfunction & Fighting is a very real trigger for me as well that evokes full-swing symptoms of Ptsd, and for the same reasons you've spoken of.

Years & Years of venomous hostility surrounding and all that goes with that, and the having to be stuck immersed in and surrounded by such, and all the stress and violence and blatant disrespect of it all makes for a pretty complete forcible poisoning.

It is COMPLETELY INTOLERABLE for me as well, to be exposed too, or ever get provoked into, as if demanding my involvement. And, I'm speaking of the kind of physical / spiritual / emotional / mental intolerance that it sounds like you too experience; I simply get to symptomatic and extremely ill.

Also, I don't see my intolerance of dysfunction and fighting as a weakness I see it as naturally characteristic, just as the color of my eyes are. And, because it's 100% natural now and perfectly understandable! .....such intolerance that is.

It's like a person can only tolerate so much poisons and toxicity dumped and cast into themselves, before just exposure too it shuts one completely down or makes them convulse, if you know what I mean.

Hope
(long-time now advocate for Peace resulting from my experience)

:smile:Smiles!

 

[blackpearl]

Yes, when you replied in my thread I almost directly understood that it has with something like this to do.

I don't know. Maybe you have to as you already do, take distance to what upsets you in your environment and the second to work with meditation to not be so easily distracted of other who's not directly arguing with you.

Good luck n take care!
Blackpearl

 

[Deleted member 541]

Black pearl...What I spoke about WAS aimed directly at me, so thus my posting about it....Even other people fighting around me, while I am in their presence will have a direct impact on me, due to my upbringing, and what I went through as a child. Now as an adult, I CHOOSE whom I will associate with based on what I feel is good for me. I will not subject myself to anyone overstepping my boundaries, fighting, screaming, swearing or yelling in front of me. I will walk away, end of story. My mental health, and emotional health comes first!!!!!!!!

 

[blackpearl]

Well I know what violence is, I've lived with it also, not only at home but in school. It's in my past.
There is a lot for you to do before you get over it sounds for me.

My self I don't give **** if I see something around me what reminds from my childhood. I'm not afraid anymore. I understand why it happened and so on. I mean that I'm not emotional about the violence anymore.

It doesn't mean I accept it or like it, I just don't let it bother.

Good luck !