Early Human Contact, Body Hatred

[Chava]

I have some normal-ish memories of later childhood abuse and terrorizing. But early childhood I just have feelings, sensations, body memories...What I'm feeling in these states is lots of fear in these states and infantile attempts at self-protection. The pattern from later childhood matches early childhood fear and body memories. Basically, the majority of contact I had with my mother was negative (distant at best, abusive at worst). But she also had to keep me alive. Sounds like a recipe for hating my body and feeling ambivalent about life, huh? Then add major medical traumas and being left alone in the hospital (other kids to care for at home). Later add assault by a couple strangers who just wanted a piece of me.

I've struggled so much with self-soothing and even allowing comfort or connection to others...there is always a huge and scary hurdle in the way.

CBT for my eating disorder never really worked, not even with the best PhD. eating disorder psychologist in the state (at the time I didn't realize it was a more atypical form of anorexia as a symptom of trauma...I could simply drop anorexia if I could become an alcoholic). Cognitive or behavioral approaches have been helpful elsewhere, mostly used on my own. But for this anorexic-suicidal alcoholic-self-injurer, I've had to go way back. In current body-focused trauma therapy my hands shake all the time. Today I switched between shielding myself and allowing myself to hold a stuffed animal or very lightly touch my therapist's hand....doing one of these actions or the other, but not the impossible "freeze" where I want to connect but CAN'T because it feels like I'm inviting or accepting abuse or body hatred. Anyway I could touch my therapist's hand and nothing bad happened.

Wondering if anyone else sees connections between early body abuse, physical or sexual (or neglect with primarily negative responses) and body hatred (eating disorders, self-injury...this is all self-regulatory too) or hatred of needs. I have to cry a lot in order to even get to holding a stuffed animal. Responding to these kinds of really simple contact or comfort needs just scares the shit out of me. Serious dread. But we're working through where I'm frozen. I didn't "disappear" today, but protected myself the best I could, reached out a bit, and even had some feelings (scared and sad). Glad I've had a therapist who could get to this weird place with me. I assume it has a lot to do with the bubble between me and the rest of the world. I'm mostly over body and self-hatred but it's amazing I haven't killed myself.

 

[shrinkingviolet]

Yes, although not quite in the same way. Major self esteem issuesand body image, strong need to control and intimacy issues. I am so sorry you had to endure such ugliness but am so happy you have found a therapist that is comforting and helpful.

 

[Hope4Now]

Wow. Lots of resonances.

Today I switched between shielding myself and allowing myself to hold a stuffed animal or very lightly touch my therapist's hand....doing one of these actions or the other, but not the impossible "freeze" where I want to connect but CAN'T because it feels like I'm inviting or accepting abuse or body hatred. Anyway I could touch my therapist's hand and nothing bad happened.

This is huge. I have really, really complicated stuff with regard to touch in therapy. Some is fine, other--depending on context--wildly triggering.

Wondering if anyone else sees connections between early body abuse, physical or sexual (or neglect with primarily negative responses) and body hatred (eating disorders, self-injury...this is all self-regulatory too) or hatred of needs.

Yes, early abuse. Yes, body hatred. Yes, hatred of needs. :confused: I understand, intellectually, what the problem is. Healing it is a whole different story.

I have to cry a lot in order to even get to holding a stuffed animal. Responding to these kinds of really simple contact or comfort needs just scares the shit out of me.

Yes, yes, yes. I am now painfully aware of my needs for contact and comfort...parts' needs...but other parts are wildly terrified of acknowledging them. So much so that some resort to self-harm in a desperate bid to convince me that physical pain is far better than the horrifying risk of letting anybody see or (GASP) respond with love to my needs. Danger of annihilation.

even had some feelings (scared and sad).

Yep. Scared and Sad are pretty much where I live.

:hug:

 

[theotherside]

I do have the major body and self hate thing too. It is so hard for me to care for myself. I was also neglected from birth on by mom and abused by my dad as well. I can not get comfortable witb my body at all. I go back and fourth with my weight.
Sometimes eating more to feel better but i start gainibg and then i feel bad. Then in a way there is something about the weight that makes me feel more protection.
I have a hard time still just wanting my mom...
Im glad you are with a good T :)
Im hoping to find one soon

 

[jaccat]

My therapist said something a few weeks back about this. She didn't mean to tell me I don't think. I have trouble with touch. I also have a dislike of mouths, I hate watching people eat or talk, you know when you see people singing on TV and they do a close up of their mouth? I find the whole thing disgusting. I also had an eating disorder from an early age.

I told my therapist about the mouth thing and said I reckoned perhaps it had something to do with my eating disorder. She told me that it was probably the other way round. She talked about something known as good breast/bad breast, which is to do with the experience of the baby being fed by its mother. If it's a good experience the child has in place the power to develop healthily. If it's a bad/neglectful experience the opposite. She said its believed (in therapy circles) that that's where many eating disorders come from.

The whole thing freaks me out. But then anything to do with my really early childhood does.

 

[shimmerz]

For me, having needs triggers a hatred of relying on my abuser, which turned into self hatred. It was a deep shame. If I didn't have needs I wouldn't need them. But I did, and that is a fact. I feel like I betrayed myself by needing my abuser. Like a hamster trapped in a wheel.

 

[Chava]

Yes, lots of shame around even basic needs @shimmerz . This last anorexia go-around I finally gained weight but developed this chronic pain. I can't explain in words, but as I was gaining this weight, doing what I needed to do, I felt ashamed and like a fraud much of the time but just tried to block it all out.

@Hope4Now I definitely have issues with contact needs....like I don't even recognize them. But I did notice once in the last year that there is sometimes a self-injury connection here too. Squeezing my arms or compression helps sometimes (wrapping myself up tight). This is where someone holding me would alleviate the activation maybe, but that isn't going to happen. Sometimes it's anger directed at myself, sometimes something like this. I can't say what it's all been about but it helped to try to listen to what my body needed (or what helped)....compression helped in some cases of cutting urges, which makes me think it's a containment thing. Burning is like an attempt to actively destroy bad or chaotic feelings. I burned the shit out of one of my arms a few months ago and haven't had the urge since.

@jaccat this is interesting and doesn't surprise me. I had food issues long before I had an official eating disorder or body image issues...and not normal quirks, but very rigid around food. And I've sensed it as rejection of my mom but also rejection of my own life (rigid rules were probably about control while starvation was this denial/rejection stuff). Eating is okay now but it's been a really painful road to normalization in that area. I've often felt like a serious failure-to-thrive baby who somehow escaped into adulthood. I was really sick a few times and I don't quite understand how I hung on.

Anyway, hopefully we can work more on some of this...still not sure about insurance bullshit. I did not feel comfort being able to touch my therapist's hand a little, but it was important to test out safely and know I wouldn't be destroyed. I can feel some comfort holding a stuffed animal without feeling guilty for feeling comfort, so that's just f**ing amazing in my world. I have to grow this little sense of inner safety and caring for myself...and not feeling ashamed of my existence or even feeling a little good maybe (that's hard...I almost always feel physical pain of some kind).