ED Eating issues, dysfunctional

[Panda Bear]

I'm having an eating issue.

To start, I don't have an eating disorder, at least not that I know of based on my understanding of them.

I've recently been struggling with copious amounts of sadness and want I think might be grief as well. Stems from processing some trauma and a recently added traumatic event that didn't help matters. This morning I was looking for something to do eat, my stomach is growling....I am hungry! But I don't want to eat anything. I'm not sick feeling, like when my anxiety is bad and I feel like barfing. That makes me not want to eat too.

Only this time, I can't bring myself to eat enough to make the hunger pains go away. As if I'd rather have them, so they are a distraction from my sadness and crying. Does that make sense? It's been going on for a few weeks now....I refuse to stop and eat even when I feel hungry, I want to feel hungry! It's keeping me from slowing down and feeling the sadness and from crying.

Is this all odd and way out there??

 

[ssw]

It's not odd. I had an eating disorder. You just need control in your life.
I suggest you

1.) force yourself to eat (something healthy, for your healthy benefit.... It doesn't have to e a lot, just some nuts for protein maybe?) when you starve ourself, I always felt more clear headed like food made my thoughts groggy. So perhaps you could set up an eating pattern your comfortable with? Of course I'll say you should eat, but setting up a plan for what food could help if you're needing control.

2.) find something else to control... Drawing painting playing an instrument cooking and so on....

3.) ask for help when you're starving yourself again... If this doesn't work..... Because there are ways around it. I know you probably don't want to let go of it but as said above you could plan our eating schedule and have control that way.

 

[sun seeker]

I do understand, I go through something similar with trauma and grief (and then make up for it, often, by overeating at other times). What you say makes perfect sense. I'm not sure I have a solution except as you move through what is underneath it. Do you have someone it is safe to feel the grief with, even a little at a time?

Not eating is a normal trauma response, it keeps the sympathetic nervous system on alert when there isn't much to digest. And maybe feeling ready to fight or flee keeps you from feeling the extent of the grief? The only trouble is it seems like it is going on for such a long time that it could be a problem for your health. I like the idea of nuts or something else dense... usually in that state I can force myself to eat very small amounts of, well, to be honest, not necessarily healthy food, but dense food anyway.

Do you have an aversion to taking care of yourself in other ways when you get like this? Just wondering, because I do. I'm going through something sort of like this at the moment, and just realized while pondering on your post that when I think of taking care of myself, I feel shame, and under that, helplessness. So I would tend to agree with @ssw that there is something there about feeling in control. There's more there that I'm not putting my finger on, quite.

It's a scary place to be. I hope you feel better really soon.

 

[Crow]

I struggle with the same thing. I'm very overweight but weirdly I find it nearly impossible to eat some weeks. It's like not safe to nurture myself. I end up subsisting on not so healthy crap. T says this is totally normal and part of the processing of grief. She asks me to eat at least one fresh food each day and stay hydrated when I get into this cycle and I've found ways to slowly pull out....like eating kids cereal for a couple of days and then gradually replacing it with good food. This is the one thing that has increased in frequency as I've done deeper work. Agree with @sun seeker . Incredibly scary place to be. Even after all these years.

 

[Heather]

I feel for what you are going through. I have similar issue. I will feel my belly growling but have no desire to eat. It's a combination of anxiety, depression and sadness.... That makes for no appetite.

I wish I knew what to say to make it better for you but just know you are NOT alone in how you feel.

 

[sun seeker]

It's like not safe to nurture myself.

I'm quoting this to make it stand out, because somehow it seems significant. I go through stages when this is exactly how I feel.

But why? If anyone has ideas on this I think they would be well worth exploring.

 

[Born to Run]

I had this for months last fall and still have days that I hardly eat. As @sun seeker mentions it is all about survival and storing our energy from that perspective.

It's like not safe to nurture myself.

I recognise this so much.

And I like to think what people say when you are having a hard time: they will say that is really hard to digest. Grief is a lot to digest and sometimes food is simply too much.

ETA: I agree to force yourself to eat something. I chose raisins, dried dates, bananas and nuts.

 

[Born to Run]

But why? If anyone has ideas on this

Maybe it comes from the evolutionary perspective that when you are alone it is not safe to eat, or to prepare food. It feels as if you are not part of that safe group of tribal members that eat together and are safe together. Alone you have to stay on guard and can not do that while eating.

 

[sun seeker]

Maybe it comes from the evolutionary perspective that when you are alone it is not safe to eat, or to prepare food.

Could be. Or to do other things involving self care, because they would tend to stimulate the parasympathetic nervous system. Maybe it isn't just about self care as I was thinking, but about anything that would calm the sympathetic nervous system.

 

[sun seeker]

Continuing my train of thought... I've noticed that when I feel nurtured by other people and reasonably safe, I am okay with self care, i.e. I can nurture myself when others nurture me first. It's as if I need that signal from others that it's okay to let my guard down. Maybe this has a neurological basis as well as a psychological one.

Sorry to take over your thread, @Panda Bear. I hope some of this is helpful.

 

[Higgins]

Hey. I would also suggest eating nuts, like almonds. They're small, and have a high amount of good, healthy calories. You don't have to eat very many of them to stay out of danger. Also, I had a doctor recommend drinking Boost, or other nutritional drinks, because I also had trouble with food. These don't taste great, but when you're in a bad patch, it's about riding it out. So you do what you can to make it through. Yes, at first it's forced, but if you force healthy things, you'll be better off in the long run. And I can say for certain that this eventually goes away.

 

[Born to Run]

anything that would calm the sympathetic nervous system

Would the underlying idea not remain the same then, like not allowing to go off guard, but stay on guard?