Eliminating Exposure To Ptsd For Others' Sake?

[Whitneys story]

:cry: Tears of joy for you and your sister. I am so glad you found the opportunity to be sisters. Please use your boundaries, you are very brave and compassionate. This is an outstanding direction. Just take it slow for your benefit.

We can hope for the best outcome, however it will require work from your sister as well. Baby steps. :hug: Whitney

 

[Tinyflame]

Yes, exactly what I was thinking Whitney. And in terms of her own life/choices, they are her business. But she did say as speaking about the past/ trauma etc, that much makes sense. And that now she can begin to think in terms of 'future'- healthier I said, as she too had never been able to envision one.

But, it gets 'wierder' and 'wierder'. :( She told her bf yesterday morning about it, to not lie, and just was coffee with an old friend/ ex. He told her "I don't give my permission for you to go". She said "I'm not asking for your permission/ don't need it/ we are both adults".

Well, 'ex' sounded like himself, and very enthusiastic.Said he would call saturday. Now.. nothing. BUT, her bf (who is out of town) knows (without her saying it) that ex didn't call-(?). So am wondering if he called her ex, or said something? Her bf has been abusive in the past, they were in a huge physical altercation 6 years ago; about 4 years ago he knocked a bunch of her teeth out (she lied about 'how' but then told me very shortly thereafter); 2 years ago he locked her in a car after a wedding and wouldn't let her get out (she locked herself in the car for safety and phoned me, then the police)- he would go to attack her when she tried to get to the house, kept it up all night and I only got word by noon the next day she was ok (they had 'made up'). (That was September, too.) And these are just some of the things I know. :( Most (but not all) of the times he was drinking. He had already tried to find out 'where' they were going to go for coffee today (sunday). Bf's 1st and 2nd wives called him abusive (he said), he (of course?) said he wasn't. Said he 'agreed' to have that listed as 'cause' (the 1st divorce) to get out of the marriage; 2nd marriage he said wife acts in 'terror' when she's bumped in to him, he said he told her to 'get over it', and that she had past issues being raped.

I can't help but wonder, because he was livid about this, and because it's out of character for her ex, but the 'control' is in character for him, if he has tried to either deter the ex, or disparage her (in 'fear' she will tell her ex what he is like).

I can't help it but it also occurred to me yesterday, that when one tries to 'leave' is the worst/ most dangerous time. :(

 

[Tinyflame]

But, I have to say, I guess in thinking about it, it's just too much stress for me. That is, they (the 3 of them, sis, bf, ex) have all (now) spoken today, and even my sis lied to me (small lie, not even 'necessary' so to speak but I know of it, but I didn't pretend I didn't know). What I mean is, I want to support her, encourage her to healthy choices, love her, but it still has to be her life. The stress of it on me I can't manage, I think that's why I keep having bleeding and such. My friend said many years ago "it's their dance" (sis and bf). I don't mean to sound selfish, but it's devouring me. I am going to try to do it (support) with more detachment. Though difficult not to worry, I can't manage well to mentally or emotionally, or physically, get pulled in to the drama. I can't put my finger on it, but I think that's perhaps the september trigger (contributes).

On a 'silly' but positive note, at my lowest in 2006 I made up my mind to finish something, and told myself if stuff hadn't improved by then I would through in the towel. I not only finished, but now, 7 years later, I've completed double of that. (Know that doesn't quite 'make sense' but it's good. :) )

:hug:

 

[Tinyflame]

Yes, how can I say it? Too much drama, exhausting, fearful. I need peace, security, stability, sane thoughts. Hope, trust, baby steps, boundaries, some continuity of safety, calmness, some kind of center-ground. I think that the wounds need a chance to get less raw.

Though I feel selfish to say it. :( :cry:

 

[Chincho]

Though I feel selfish to say it. :( :cry:

I don't think you are selfish at all, although I understand you feeling that way.

You deserve to get what you need, and setting some boundaries is the only way to get it.

 

[Tinyflame]

Thank you Chincho. :hug:

It seems to take me longer to rebound than her. My energy is limited.

I was thinking, I am tired of ptsd. I wish I could check it at the door. At the very least, just pretend it's not there for a while. Which I think is ok/ healthy. Not denial just to live.

 

[Tinyflame]

I read something good, and heard something good, that help me to understand this stuff, re: family, home etc. I mean I do understand rationally or logically, but I don't. But a little bit more than I did. Just don't have time to copy it now. That it's good to love, take care (or try) for others, and also of one's self. They aren't mutually exclusive. And loving someone is why we accept some suffering or try so hard, much is because we want something better for them. But that's good/ normal too. :)

:hug:

 

[Tinyflame]

I had stopped to look for a book yesterday, part curiosity/ part 'feeling', but I found a bookmark instead. It said to 'set free within us the spirit that unites us .. to pry open our fearful hearts.. to lead us out of ourselves to that longed-for peace that comes in the struggle to be for others what you(God) are for us". That to me was a definition of 'peace'.

Was thinking someone said something in another thread about ('new') family/ the people here being like 'family'.

I know it is good to think of everyone as 'true' family, because then we (I) can accomplish (or truly) do more. I understand that.

I have even had occassions where especially 2 other families truly treated me as their 'own'- more than that but especially those 2. Because of how they are/ were. I realize that is rare, and fear trusting that from anyone. But my biggest (bigger) problem is I can give, I can't receive.

And I heard that, (a person past) had gone through what he had/ endured for love "because he didn't want others to lose heart." I think that's similar to persevering despite SI, as for one's self it is not a motivator then.

Or why, even like as per my sister, I have had 'looser' boundaries than I would otherwise. A question of a heart-judgment, based with rationality (and the knowledge I have).

Not withstanding though, if it's killing me it's hardly doing anyone (her included) the good it should, another way. She never acted in any way 'abusive' towards me, until her bf started to act that way towards her(?) :confused:

She is supposed to meet her old friend (ex) wednesday (thus far). She's out of town but took her car so as not to be trapped. Her bf expects her to stay there and wait for him on thursday while he meets a different woman he contacted for coffee. Go figure. :rolleyes:

It sounds ridiculous, but this all began after she began (recently) to stand up to him that she is 'allowed' (sic) to have friends (male or female). Because she has had to 'let go' of them. It's not healthy, nor even what I think someone who 'loves' someone else would want for them, when they do not have family, are alone and not married, support themself, are a good person, and have only themself to rely on. Because though she and her bf do things for each other, he has no plans considering her future, physically, financially, or emotionally.

I'm still afraid of what he might do. :(

Off the subject, sweet dog that was adopted, still will (always) love him completely, but thankful (and hopeful) his new family can/ are giving him the love and energy he would need. The love part is easy to give, and the (our) energy/ time would have been given, but goodness knows we don't have to spare what some people have. And by God he was hairy! :wideeyed: :laugh:

Also off the subject, I felt 'crappy' yesterday but then out of the blue felt remarkable better (physically). Hard to explain, still felt 'lousy' but 'superfically- lousy', not seriously-lousy, if that makes sense? :rolleyes: :)

And also off (any) subject), I am getting a tiny bit better at being able to seperate or recognize the difference between ptsd, from stress, from physical stuff, from self-esteem stuff, from environment-related stuff.

I think the SI was equal to total overwhelm.

Love and hugs to all, Big Ones :) :hug: .

 

[Tinyflame]

I guess there's been a struggle, or a struggle to even recognize, that I can't always accept my sister's words or opinion as a God-given-reality. Especially as they pertain to myself.

That is, for example, what I felt or how I viewed my part and especially responsibilty in the last 10 minutes of my dad's life, well I heard other feedback when I confessed it. I'm glad I had the presence of mind to say that my sis would (likely) not feel it was not my fault/ not my responsibility/ (I) did nothing wrong. The person said "I don't care what your sister would think". ( :confused: ?)

Mostly I thus put out of my mind (what her opinion/ thoughts would likely be, if she knew), but sometimes I doubt, why is he right (about this) and she not correct? I try not to think of it though. Because there are the facts where I was not responsible. Oh ya, and forgot, he said purposely used words "(You were) a 'little girl' ". Which seem 'unfitting', but neither I nor she could/ did likely view ourselves that way. I mean, (logically) I know I was 'littler' at 5 or 6, but didn't feel 'not-responsible' (for myself, and in general) even then.

 

[Tinyflame]

Yes then I'll believe what he said vs what she (would say). Because were it not for the same kind of words, before, I would have likely not got through the SI (whereas she said 'other things'- re: the SI).

Geez this stuff is difficult. :( It's so difficult to know what to believe/ what is true/ when to not trust.

 

[Tinyflame]

Nope, I'm going to stop thinking like that. That's old thinking, or the only way I knew how. Even if it means I have to force myself to just 'think less' and 'trust more'.

 

[Tinyflame]

Though I must admit, I feel like "*Now what*???" (!) Therapy? (Which is not an option, really), ditto with EMDR. Meds?

Do I keep doing what I'm doing? I've tried to introduce things socially a bit, think of eating/ sleeping. Etc. Bought 3 kids toys for Christmas instead of ciggies today. :)

But really, seriously: now that I have a clue about this stuff, where do I go from here? :confused: Is this 'enough', or what I'm supposed to be doing, under-the-circumstances-and-all-things-considered? :confused:

It's like I know how screwed up I am, etc, but what am I supposed to do with it? :confused: :wideeyed: :sorry: ???