Eliminating Exposure To Ptsd For Others' Sake?

[Tinyflame]

Well, maybe that's why SI is in september, my mom's biirthday. Not just because I miss her, which I do, but probably the reminder of what a failure I am, and how she would have died before she whined and complained like I do. A reminder of her bravery, of which I am ashamed of my own lacking, a reminder of no family left, or what little is left is fractured and estranged, no family of my own, a job that I despise with primarily old, very well-taken care of people who complain, the opposite of her or any of my family, who frankly didn't mostly live old. Not to mention it barely pays the bills, let alone allows for eventual retirement. Which will be impossible, especially single. But the fault my own, I screwed up the end of my education, albeit heavily influenced (but unaware at the time) of the ptsd.

No real safety or refuge in my house, either, will be even less so without it however.

And a woman I know, very nice but asks me every day, like today, "Don't have a bf yet?" And as I told her, "I don't want one". Which I don't, and marriage at any stage in the future, is laughable because of my ptsd symptomology included. But does that mean I'm supposed to not have fleeting, non-committed connection? According to my religion, yes. Which is just another example of not fitting in anywhere. Not that I have any inclination to reach out or communicate in even the smallest way.

I hope I can change my life. No where do I belong in it. And as far as ptsd goes, I feel like I an :alien: .(Not meant to offend anyone here). I can barely hold on much longer, and what's worse is I don't even know what I'm holding on for.

 

[Tinyflame]

Oddly enough, my sister told her bf that as regards 'her friends that she chooses, that they are her extended family, that she is lucky enough to have them, and that they will never be related (by blood) because her ('actual' as in related-by-blood relatives are no longer living), and that since that will never change, he should 'get over it' (the fact that her 'family' is/ will be comprised of people- male or female, that she is not 'related' to).

Am not sure which part surprises me the most to hear her say that! Although in a 'good way'. And I am glad that she does not have an even suspicion or fear of ptsd that might cause her to hesitate in forging those connections (for their sake or protection).

 

[Tinyflame]

Not sure why I feel inclined to come back to posting, and think I posted last in wrong thread, and need to get to work. But I was thinking, as per years ago, education etc., at the time my other sister (semi-estranged) was diagnosed with cancer (very bad prognosis, I had to 'learn' that did not mean dying in a day), we had a natural disaster, worked morning-thru-darkness to do repairs, had to fight Emergency measures for about 6 years (eventually), had attempted assault/ rape twice by mental contarctor, he trhreatened to kill family, dogs, screw up repairs if I told. He then tried to assault sister, ended up with restraining order etc, he went to prison on attempted murder later (unrelated to me/ us). But it took a while to get rid of him, he stalked. And my mom was very ill, didn't realize she was terminal, and I broke up (my choice) with guy I thought I would be with all my life, all was at the same time. Plus then had to find new job, but by then my mom had been ill (diagnosed), 4 months from diagnosis to death, 24-hour care but it felt like being given a lot more time with her than I would have expected, they didn't give her any ('minus 10 years'). Then pay for funeral, etc.

So I guess it had more to do with than 'just' my own failure as it were. And most of the things were out of my control.

 

[Tinyflame]

I had looked at the obituaries today, because of 2 people I knew. I noticed a little girl, because the picture she had a heart, and everywhere I still seem to find 'hearts', and my same middle name (rare), and it said she was 14 and referred to her as a child, or little girl, I think. She looked young. So maybe 14 was a 'little girl'.

It made me think, meanings are different, as are responsibilities, traumas etc, based within context, age being one factor of that. The perspective, and the context, and the realities determine or affect a lot.

 

[Tinyflame]

I was thinking, I heard some things bother us more, simply because they are important to us. Not because of some 'inherent defect'.

And I thought too, when I have tried so hard to keep it together or make progress, or deal with it, when I feel I do not (or expect I will do better at managing it, or rising to the challenge), that becomes disheartening because of my expectation.

Also, I am either 'burned out' on dealing with trauma, or simply I find I do better, if I can stick to something positive, or tactile.

And I have a tendency, or am aware because of CBT, that I can feel my thoughts go south, my body and feelings go south. But I try not to think that way. But maybe sometimes you can't replace it with a positive (specific) thought per se, just (I) can try to trust it will (somehow?) be ok, even if I can't imagine how, and try to reduce the stress. Not follow through with negative thoughts, fears etc. Because it's that which I respond to with actions.

And I simply do not have the ability, strength or wisdom to get too far in to the future.

 

[Tinyflame]

Not sure again where to put this exactly, but think it's appropriate here.

Barconian wrote about his ill friend in a thread and thanks to that it helped me a lot. He said his friend fights to live and not die (and hasn't given up) because he believes in himself and those he loves.

I am glad my dad didn't 'eliminate (our) exposure to him', because of being ill, +/or ptsd, which he fit every criteria for.

Yes, there was neglect per se, not intentional, or less than traditionally-ideal circumstances and adaptations because of realities, but they were understandable (and are, to anyone who has to adapt to that reality, just like any other realities like war zones, natural disasters, etc.). Great people, great challenges. But, it was good, we still had lots of fun. Lots of love. :)

My analogy would be like if anyone has ever had the experience of a 'supper' that is a can of cold beans together but lots of laughs, lots of love, and it's the greatest meal. :)

It's so weird, I was thinking because I keep hearing it, I posted that I thought that song The Story of My Life shows how hopeless ptsd is at some levels. But today I actually like the story of my life. :wideeyed: :) :wideeyed:

 

[Tinyflame]

I'm not sure if anyone will see this or want to read it, but I don't feel able to post a thread but think I have realized something huge that is related to the title.

I figured out:

1) I feel I'm doing others a favour to eliminate ptsd & my presence because (it is actually 'when') I don't know how to manage, or control it. Inherently (in my heart) that is when I know I won't know what to do.
2) I realize 'management' is greatly affected by perceiving it's going downhill. Actually recognizing (instead of denying) huge warning signs. Physical (for me) are severe stomach pain, bleeding, & exploding head. Emotional signs are depressed mood, worry & panic. Followed by moments of dissociation. Interpersonal signs are a desire to flee, self-blame, guilt, despair, & feeling like a burden.
3) The biggest help is firstly preventative, 'checking in' on how I am feeling several (I'm lucky if I do it once) times a day. If it's a negative feeling, ask myself if the basics have been met (eating, sleeping, etc) Reducing stress pre-emptively.
4) The second huge thing is reducing stress when bad things happen. Forcing myself to speak about it. Then applying what others said you do if you have the flu.

Anthony & many others have said exercise & such, I think this is very true. But I think those follow when the first 4 points are applied. It's as many have said, something like safety, trust, non-denial, reaching out, basic self-care, first.

I think managing the traumatic issues are less critical to me now (or are dependent upon) making a huge hole in the stress cup first. I mean more than creating stability, though that's a critical part as well, but a dispassionate, matter of fact recognition of the whole role of stress & how to squash it to even begin to feel 'human' or capable or employ a plan. Or admit symptoms or recognize & actually 'look at' & admit (not ignore) what's eating me alive.

It finally makes a little sense to me, the feeling of being a ticking time bomb +/ or a burden has more to do with fear for others, than it does self-pity, because if I don't stop the stress before it builds I can't contain it & therefore feel (know, or don't know) how I will react.

Admitting some past things were/are pretty damaging takes a lot of guts & risk to personally accept, or risk others won't/don't understand if you say them. But it helps so much if they do, because the stress goes down. When the stress goes down there is a way to 'peek' at stuff (& survive & carry on).

I think something is right because despite some current very difficult factors, I feel a peace I haven't felt since 2008. Not one of distractions of throwing myself in to everything (most of my life), but a real 'peace' is all I can say, despite trying circumstances (they were very bad then, too, abuse & such, but just like then despite it I still was learning to feel peace then like now.) Then my actions/ thoughts led to more peace.

I feel very grateful, like I can take a deep breath.

I am thankful, too, to everyone for all their posts, it helps me see how so much inter-relates.:hug:

 

[Mercy]

I am coming to the same conclusion that burdening others with my PTSD is very selfish. When I try to explain some behavior my H has disagreed with in therms of dissociation etc. He has decided he doesn't need to listen to me anymore. He has become so much more controlling, I don't know if I can take the rejection. Ego talking? What the H*** do I know. Hurt, Lost, Demanding too much???Finally, who give a crap.

 

[Tinyflame]

Dear @Mercy, you have a 'right' to feel what you do, & I think it's 'normal' too. We are told not to, to not express it & not feel it. :(

:hug: :hug:

 

[Powder]

Your list of red flags, categorized, sounds very familiar.

That deep breath sense of peace, I hope you see hope on the horizon, my friend. I'm so happy to hear you say this.

One small change inside changes your entire world. Something has changed.

But back when I fell into the dark, You were the one on this site to turn on a light so I could find my path and footing again. You are wonderful, strong, deep and wise. All the things you said about your mom, I see in you, not just once, but in every thing you think and say and do here. Some of the best people I've met don't look upon their own spiritual beauty and recognize the magnitude of their worth; it's so easy to see one's hangups and think "That's me alright!" but fail to see what keeps you alive and is really involved in your being. All I want is for you to look inside and see past the PTSD to the soul shining bright that you truly are. You're so much more.

XOXO

 

[Tinyflame]

Oh Dear @Muse , what a sweet thing to say, & how dear you are. :inlove: You as well, you have always brought me such hope, thank you. :hug: Yes, that is right, about learning to see past it, as a total reflection of one's self, at least.

Well, my deep breath turned into a deep cough, lol. But I should have known, my body always falls apart after the fact. But, even that, I know that so I will just accept it. I dare say this time it shocks me less or causes less guilt. I just hope to get through work today, I wish I had been a little stronger & called in. But I still hope to stay a little more grounded (& conscious, lol ). In less than 10 hours I should be done. :tup:

(((((((((((((((Dear Muse))))))))))))

 

[Tinyflame]

@Muse thanks :hug:, I thought on this. Strangely enough weeks ago walking the dog I came across a card on the ground, all it said was "Celebrate you today". Didn't feel much like that, just tired & hot. Today I looked down & found a shiny green sign that said 'Birthday'. Somewhere there is something intertwined in my self-conclusion wherein it does not feel like I hold on to ptsd as my identity, but rather I do see the consequences of it (that are reflected in my behaviour, or fears, or inadequacies, etc) as trumping anything possibly positive. Mind you, I think attention to or believing abuse has influenced or reinforced that & added more to the mix. It is something different than 'self-esteem', maybe something to do with 'worth'? Idk. Very difficult to 'believe' otherwise. (like one feels a need to come with a disclaimer of an impending toxicity report! :ninja: :rolleyes: )

Thank you @ Muse. :hug: :hug: