Eliminating Exposure To Ptsd For Others' Sake?

[zaniara]

Dear Junebug! Why isn't therapy an option? It's hard changing these kinds of things on your own.

I hope I understood it correctly that you wanted to be added to the six pillars of self esteem challenge? You are. If you check your PC you find us there. You're so welcome. I hope you had a good night. A warm hug! :hug::hug::hug:

 

[zaniara]

Geez this stuff is difficult. It's so difficult to know what to believe/ what is true/ when to not trust

could have written those words a thousand times my self and it is!
But one can only learn from practice..

And yes PTSD sucks and it would be nice just put it in a dumpster and move on with life..

But as for the thread- I think it would be a shame if you out of fear withheld yourself from being known by more people. Since you're such a treasure. PTSD doesn't change that. But if your old programming and low self esteem doesn't change it won't matter what I say I guess.. :( I can relate so much to your thoughts and pain and fear.

But I am trying to understand that if I shun from relationships and the people who say they want to see me I might end up not doing the good I can in this life. I must let others decide for themselves and try to believe they know what they are doing. Besides no-one is 'perfect'. With or without PTSD. Hugs!

 

[Whitneys story]

@Junebug , Now what... We keep on journaling, talking; allowing our thoughts to surface. :) This is therapy, we may not be as focused as a therapist; but I am impressed in your mindful actions.

Yes it would be nice if this was all, however we need to continue processing the new found emotions into action. Which you are doing more and more every post.

"I can give, but I don't yet know how to receive" :tup:. Baby steps and yes they are big! :smug: And wonderful and not selfish. You are learning to give yourself what you need. Now reach out and grab those cookies, you have earned them. :hug: Whitney

I love the quotes you posted! :eek: You are beginning to feel emotion and positive thought. Stars are shining bright for you. Remember small meals and snacks, relaxing sleep and soft music for me time. Breath and repeat :). :rolleyes: Hugs, Whitney

 

[Tinyflame]

Dear Zaniara, thank you. Can't afford therapy. Thank you for your kind words, :hug: . Hope you are being gentle with your OWN self, when you are working so hard, xox :hug: .

Dear Whitney, I think I have been seeking something that doesn't exist- an end to the ptsd itself. You know the 'norm', on a good day, the loneliness, nerves, isolation-alone-or-with-someone, etc., don't have the words. I recall back many years ago, working hugely excessive hours, going out 5-6 (usually 6) nights a week. That 'worked', good as anything likely ever will (to the maximum possible). It still didn't take away the feelings (and by that I don't just mean literal feelings)-ptsd never goes though, right?

Oddly enough, then I was very well paid. I could have afforded therapy then, but it never crossed my mind, despite doing much on my own, before and after that time. I would not have wanted it.

But thank you Whitney. I screwed up again, slept in (that felt terrific), only to screw up something that takes 2 months for me to complete, I was half done, have to start all over because I slept in and relied on something else (only been able to do it twice). What bugs me is I should have known better, or mean been more careful, I left myself no option by sleeping in. What bothers me is I swear if there were 1000 wires and only one detonated a bomb, when it comes to myself I'd likely choose it. :( But if I was looking for it I'd choose 990 of the others first. :( When I most need something, it always goes that way. Perhaps too much taking things for granted. I feel like saying "what an as* ", which you're not supposed to but I still say, "what an as*" . Oh well.

Weird day, yucky stuff all over, even a dead cat when I was walking. :(

Forgot to eat because I ate lots last night, but just had something. Will add a cookie, or a few ;) , sending you back Hugs, and thanks for your kindness xoxoxox. :hug:

 

[Tinyflame]

I did figure out one thing though. I think I smoke when I feel fear, to descrease it. Which would explain why' financial fear' could be a motivator, a greater fear than whatever the fear at-the-moment-is. I certainly don't feel like quitting now, other than the financial part.

Even with that, I can cognitively tell myself one thing as regards not having fear, but tell my body or heart that.

 

[Tinyflame]

Actually, (my) writing of this stuff is nonsense, it is what it is, and it's not going anywhere. If you ask me, one is best if possible to distract themself with money and all it enables them to do, career or work if they have accomplished that, family or significant others they have in their life. To 'live'. I am at the 'limit' of any healing, and living without the rest is not 'living', it's just breathing-under-pain. Working on the trauma is great, but I think the extent of the pain that remains daily (or the consequences of decisions, or (lack of) accomplishments- some ptsd related) is something individual to each of us. Though not our 'fault', the realities and consequences remain. I can't believe what a waste of a life, or struggling it has been, personally. Despite working on 'myself'.. And I have a big pain tolerance. My sister, too. For example, she has an ear infection, (didn't "complain" but could not hear, but said when asked by Dr on a pain scale of 1-to-10, it's a '10')- her blood pressure is 180/110 :(, and 'life goes on'. I 'get' that. Whether it be physical or emotional pain. But everyone has a limit, or a limit on time. Going through stuff 5 years is one thing, 20 years another, 30 another, 50 another.

I think everyone has to choose their own course. Or perhaps, we each know what course is right for us. And for once, I hope I can choose no matter who 'gets it' or not.

 

[Mercy]

I have had many of the same feelings. Especially about ptsd as a lifelong sentence. I like the happiness project because it helps me to find the beauty in the present. Ihope we can find a good time to be together.(((((((((((XOXOXOXOXOXHUGS)))))))))))

 

[Tinyflame]

Yes Mercy, you remind me of something. Can I ask anyone/ everyone a really important question?

*Do (you) think what I am feeling/ think is true [just (my) reality- the facts]; or, characteristic of a "september" (though I have no idea really 'why') meltdown-precursor; or, because of stress? (I was already worried about my sister- let alone anything else- and now the blood pressure business. :( .) Or could it be a combination of all 3? I know the "3rd" exists, and the 'stress-cup', but I really don't know the answer, hard as I try, between (if it's) the first or the second? :( :unsure: :sorry: It only even occurred to me last night or this morning, that it could even 'be' #2. :O_o: How could I even tell? :sorry: :(

Thank you :hug: .

 

[Tinyflame]

Well I think I did figure out something huge, and it does go right back to where this thread started. My 'pathological gentleness', I could call awareness of other's suffering/ circumstances. I feel very badly speaking up, or so-called defending myself, or listening to my gut, or being what others would view as 'prudent' sometimes (even if I realize I should be), for fear of causing others grief, pain, hurt, or even anoyance. Not as in 'people pleasing', not for fear of reprisal- though it reflecting on them- well yes, but because always it seems other's feelings will be hurt, or someone will pay a price. And I can see a situation from many angles. I can imagine I would feel the same in therapy, even though I know they are on the payroll. Then, if something bad happens or is happening to me, even isolated or like a 'bad date', I don't have the option to say so, and if I do say so I feel badly I have, forthat person, and for who I tell, and for myself because it (in my mind) is a failure on my part tospeak about or expose someone else's behaviour (if their actions have been 'harmful'), or hurt their feelings, or disappoint them, or burden them (for a good person who hasn't hurt me). Even to the point it leads to SI (there are no options, including containing the pain or fear, or proceeding forward).

Freeing myself of that would probably create a voice, too.

 

[Tinyflame]

I think I've learned something else, or feel a lot better, that we can be 'found' even if we don't want to be, or don't think we CAN be. 'Found' as in safe, not hopeless, on the way home.

Also, a friend said here that being uncomfortable being unhappy can be easier to cope with than the fear of being happy. I think part of my fear of hope is that the absence of it is an attempt to reduce the 'shock' of an unexpected bad happening, like those that occurred in the past.

And I create a lot of grief for myself not following my own gut instinct or feelings. Ignoring what is harmful but not giving credtit to the opposite.

And I saw something so nice- a big picture of a lighthouse, have seen 2 or 3 lately. Another thread said it is hard to turn our ship around. I find it hard to think of an anchor. But a lighthouse- as long as we go towards the light it is the right direction- there is a direction. And also, they can find ships when they are in distress. That is a nice analogy I think, to counter the hopelessness (feeling) or 'aloneness' of ptsd. To just keep going forward, not sink in hopelessness, even when it's very rough or frightening.

 

[Tinyflame]

Well I am horrendously worried about my sister's results, as they made her repeat a chest x-ray. :( But, am trying to tell myself that no matter what things don't always turn out as badly as we (I always) fear or expect.

And I forgot, but realized, about 3-4 days before I get a cold or flu (it shows) I feel thoroughly depressed. Forgot all about that. But one showed up monday , which actually made me feel better because it made sense. :tup: :)

I hope this can help someone other than just me- I saw the coolest thing, a program for Vets with ptsd to get a free therapy dog. They spoke of anxiety, depression and SI as just to be expected. No moral condemnation, no 'trying harder', -nothing. Just matter-of-fact. To me, that somehow makes it seem 'all right'. I can deal with that. Manage it, endure it, accomodate it, just deal with it knowing it comes with the territory, maybe. Like having a bad back. Impersonal.

And I also I noticed, and wonder, how come to some people it's not (seemingly) a big deal at all, to others there is such condemnation or anger levied? I don't act differently, don't cope differently, I don't even respond differently in either case. But the latter leads me to condemn myself. :( Yet the former, as I said is like nothing/ no big deal-(?) :confused:

 

[Tinyflame]

Then again, maybe that's my own mind playing tricks, to be positive. Talking seems useless, similar to journaling or posting. At worst circle of thoughts and no voice, at best contemplating my navel. As is to me paying some stranger through the teeth- wow 4500$/ week for ITT Program I just saw. For some reason I'm a bit leery of their motivation(!) :rolleyes: I think someone had good advice on the forum when they said people will tell you if you're a pain in the rear (if they are able, I guess), most people simply choose what they want or is best for them, I guess. PTSD is a big deal-breaker, for family or others. As a well-known Dr said, "wordswordswords become swordswordswords". Oh well. I can't "unlearn" or over-ride my own common sense or what life has shown to me.

Hugs to all, best wishes we can each find what is acceptable and helpful.