Eliminating Exposure To Ptsd For Others' Sake?

[Tinyflame]

I think I have come around to understanding that the belief of 'eliminating ptsd exposure for others' sake' equated at its core to feeling an underlying 'need' or 'obligation' to eliminate 'myself' actually (much in fear of what my ptsd could do to others, even though I have tried very hard to manage it).

I think I realize that the ptsd can always be there & the symptoms can flare up, but how I view those symptoms makes a difference in fearing that I'll cause damage or not. I don't quite have the words, but I mean they just 'are'; in and of themselves, they won't or don't cause what I fear they cause if I don't put over-do importance or fear on (of) them.

In other words, when others say, "will it always be like this?", the answer for me might be "maybe yes", but that being said my attitude about them changes a lot, I am trying to not give them undo weight, & therefore that changes more how I feel internally because feelings follow thoughts. It doesn't generate the same fear (and sadness). I don't feel 'contagious' at all, & I don't feel that ptsd means I'm a ticking time bomb, at all.. :wideeyed: :) :notworthy:

 

[Tinyflame]

I think I realize something, (at least for myself) the nearly-constant part of ptsd that I 'feel' is a combination of terror-horror-panic-vigilance. It's not 'panic' alone, & it's not panic when something is occurring, but this horrible 'feeling' of horror (& even helplessness to stop' whatever' is going to happen-? :wideeyed: ) that my 'brain' tells me "(surely) is going to happen at any minute". It seems so 'real' cognitively I think there surely must be a realistic basis for it.. ? :confused: :( Figuratively speaking, it's like not just coming upon a car crash, but 'seeing' it, being unable to stop it, say it's even a child in the accident, & 'seeing'/ 'knowing' when I look there are gory details that I can't even mention. Shock & horror.

I think the feeling of horror (apart from, or addition to others' past negative words etc) became internalized from "I feel (this feeling of) horror" to "I 'am' the horror", if that makes sense.

That would explain feeling like a time bomb/ horrifically toxic, wanting/ 'needing' to eliminate myself, & also why it's hard for others & myself to see it in the same way, for anyone who didn't or doesn't see me that way (but) I am feeling it & I do internalize it that way.

 

[Powder]

Hi Junebug!

Yes, internalizing it. And children internalize more than adults who have learned not to and that what others do has more to do with them, not us.

I forgot that horror was a PTSD emotion that is relived. For lack of better words, this really just stinks. It's just the worst feeling I have ever felt, ever!

You say horror, and that is very intense fear, right? I am so sorry you feel this feeling often and feel that you internalized it because I couldn't stand it when I felt this emotion flood me in the past. I have to get out of it fast, anything is better than horror.

Do you get symptomatic in other ways with this emotion? I think it's good you can label the emotion correctly and begin to process this feeling. I struggle with the labeling of emotions. I just feel them and never learned to think about them like that. Just starting to notice how I've never progressed much in that area of knowledge, emotional intelligence. I'm trying to get the hang of it, but I really am not skilled.

I would image that horror would be the worst extreme end of fear and reliving. I encourage you to explore that your emotion of horror is justified and a normal reaction to an abnormal situation. Just now, it sounds as if the emotion of horror has you caught in limbo. I don't know how to always shake 'em loose, these "stuck" emotions. I will think about that and try to see if I can find anything for you. Sorry, this is a tough one for me, too. I wish there were more methods to work through this. I wish there were clear steps to take that always worked for most people. This is something for me to think about. Thank you for sharing this, as hard as that must be to be going through it. I can't imagine that emotion being a "constant," I'm so sad to think of you in that kind of pain. :(

XOXO Muse

I also wanted to say I agree about the way you're talking about the permanence of chronic PTSD. I also wonder if I'll still feel inside the same further into life, better? worse? I sometimes worry and then think it doesn't matter because worrying won't make now better. I just try to focus on the here and now and not think much about the future. Anymore, it freaks me out. I know that's PTSD stuff, too. I guess I should work on that.

 

[Tinyflame]

Dear @Muse thank you. :notworthy: :hug: I didn't know 'horror' was extreme fear (but that explains it :rolleyes: ), & I didn't know it was an 'emotion', either.

We sound like we have similarities in how we think & feel. :hug:

In that way, getting 'better' or 'worse' is not necessarily maybe accurately reflected by how we feel, if we need to replace that (or other) emotions to 'feel' better. What I mean is, if I feel horror often, I can suppose that is just ptsd (for life). But if I/ we can reduce or replace the horror etc, we will feel better even if we still have ptsd. The 'experiencing' of those sorts of things can become our expectation of the best we can do/ how it will be, but it's influenced strongly by those emotions being present. To replace them would do wonders.

Perhaps that's less symptom-chasing but relevant? (Because I know feeling horror/ shock/ fear most of the day likely really alters my (our) perspective/ thoughts).

Oh my, I am the same with the future, even present. :( One small part at a time I think!

(((((((((Sweet Muse)))))))). :hug: :hug: :hug:

 

[Tinyflame]

Forgive me for digging up this old thread, it's all that came to me to post, the title clear as day to my mind.

Here I am, 3 years later, realizing I should have followed through then, if not much much much earlier.

I fear/ know, I have caused gross issues. My friend who helped for years, a priest, I will likely have confirmed is leaving & getting married. He did not have the trust or transparency or courage to say so to me, but after 11 years I know by his silence. I fear all the grief I caused has contributed; I say so because no one who loved someone would let them jeoporadize what is their identity for decades, their self-worth, mission & value, that would not be loving or caring. Not because it's my opinion, but anyone who knows him would know that will result.

And yet similarly, I now doubt all that's been said or given, because I can't overcome "do as I say, not as I do". It's like any goodness was erased. Ungrateful, is how it sounds. But horrible, is all it feels. Like just so many lies, the concept of hope or even God's help no longer holds substance.

My ptsd, my need, my hopelessness, it causes damage to those who would have remained otherwise happy. It causes a serious discord & dis-satisfaction in others, like a virus. It leads to grief, as it does for myself. For my friend, my sister, ex'es I hurt, friends I disappointed, those who knew me long-lost dead.

I wish I had left. I wish I wasn't born. I feel like a scourge, a modern-day evil thing. Wow. Even for me it's a new level of knowledge of my harmfulness/ worthlessness.

Thank you for letting me speak. I'm sorry for such content, & very sorry I don't have hopeful or helpful words.

 

[Friday]

It's not your fault the man fell in love. That's between 2 people who aren't you.
It's not your fault he's getting married. Ditto.
It's not your fault he's leaving the church. That's between 1 man, many men, & god.

 

[Tinyflame]

Well actually it is my fault, as one who understands the contribution to burnout, grief, pain; fear, fear of the future, & the tenderness that's needed (or should) be given in respect of the pain & wounding from the past, & the efforts to re-write it. I've spent way too much of my life contemplating, living with, living with others, & caring for others, to not understand that much. I understood it 3 years ago with this thread.

In fact, 2 years ago I said 'good to forget about me for life'. Too bad I didn't leave, also.

 

[Friday]

Oh wait... Did I totally misread & you're the one getting married? :D If so, congratulations!!! And how very PTSD of you to be beating yourself up, over what most people consider the happiest day of their lives, the first day in a new life together. And hating yourself for someone else loving you.

((Assuming Catholicism, as it's one of the few churches that doesn't allow priests to marry, if wrong please correct me)).

There's a long history of catholic priests being laicized in order to marry. It's a very long process, and relatively rare, but it can be done honorably, leaving the former priest as a practicing catholic in good standing. To the best of my knowledge, they still retain some rights of the priesthood in event of emergency, and returns to the priesthood also happen -albeit even more rarely- but this isn't like he's being defrocked, yes? Or is he? Is that where part of the grief and self blame is coming from?

I'm sorry for what may be multiple misunderstandings, when you're clearly hurting.

 

[Tinyflame]

I"m verry sorry @Friday . I don't understand your post at all :confused: , I must be too tired, no I am not getting married, nor are loved, & this had nothing to do with love- he helped me like a T & I just read something like it traumatizes people- years of banging your head on a brick wall does that, not to mention content- no doubt for no reason other than he felt obligated as a priest. I have no idea about any of the other, only that it's considered 'souls entrusted to a priest's care', a positive thing if you took away the 'whackos' like me. Unforunately a defining one. Wasn't positive with types like me, so much so he's come to hate it.

Did I trust him as my friend? Yes. What a mistake to 'blab'. For both our sakes.

But no, for me, I would never allow anyone to give up what makes them tick, I'd think there has to be another way. Or being Catholic, that God would find another way, for that matter, because God loves that person more than I'd ever be capable of. But that's just me. (If I cared, not sure if I would if I didn't.)

Irregardless, this is just more of the same: my sister, other sisters, bf's, friends, etc. My other sister once said, "The fault all lies with you". Maybe she was right. Yes, I know, when it comes to abuse it = blame, & some (people) may be wrong. Not likely all. "I" am the common denominator. :( A seed of grief. Like a Zyka virus mosquito, or a cancer.

You know, I remember my dad (who seemed to have ptsd, & self-medicated the first 14 years) saying to my mom after all the grief he initially put her through, "if it were reversed & you acted like I did I never would have stayed".As she said didn't make her feel too good. :(

 

[Tinyflame]

There is one upside to this however: I really thought he was the first (hu)man I could trust, but not so. And though I don't understand it, he gave his own conflicting messages. like 2 yrs ago I said we're like brother & sister & he said no & rolled his eyes. -? I don't understand. Maybe meant something else, Client & T? I trusted him because I thought we had similar hearts.

However, it has taught me all men are the same, & promises don't mean much. So one option I can have now is just maybe skipping my own celibacy, since I am single & bound to no promises. And that doesn't require sharing or disclosure, or self worth. I thought I couldn't do that, considering my hstory, or I would have to love someone, but no, it's just a choice. i used to think, he is a priest & obviously 'normal', so I felt better about not sleeping around- unanimity +1. But, less made of it the better. Men have no quams with being friends or fwb, for that matter, minus the ptsd. I also made an unrelated promise to him, but if he can break his, I deserve the same right, guilt free. He wouldn't know anyway.

Thank you @Friday . :hug:

 

[Tinyflame]

Funny, just remembered = my dad's words (we were super-close) on hs deathbed when I was 14 - well the last I can remember, there might have been more before a nurse gve him the equivalent of a caulking gun full of morphine- was "Promise me you'll go to church". I reluctantly shrugged, & he said, NO, PROMISE me you'll go to CHURCH", & I said yes. (He didn't/ couldn't go that much, but ironically had considered the priesthood as a vocation). The second thing he said was, "Men think with their dinks". I said, "I know that Dad" (which I did). He never said 'I love you' though.

I never told anyone that. 33 years. Granted he was dead not much older than I am now. He accomplished a lot more than I did (zero, lol, not including negatives).

 

[scout86]

This honestly sounds like a situation where you're making yourself responsible for all the world's problems. And I'm not real sure this is a problem. Do you know how this guy felt about his calling to the priesthood? Or celibacy? Mostly, people get married because they're in love. I think it's pretty rare that a priest decides that counseling people is just too much so they find some random person to marry do they can leave the priesthood. What am I missing here?