Embarrassed about looks, anyone?

[ILoveLife]

Not sure this is the right place for this thread. Apologies for giving you so much work, mods.

So, most of my abusers really cared about how I looked. Some even said it was because I was pretty.

My violent ex, emotional, physical, sexual and financial abuser, used to weigh me and not allowing me to go over 47kg.

Now I gained weight, lost it, gained a bit back.
I know this is superficial and all, but just had a trigger and need to face this.

I want to be ugly and then pretty and then ugly and so forth.
I feel terrible about myself and sometimes it borders on hating myself either because I'm pretty or because I'm ugly.
It's confusing and destructive, because then I over eat or starve myself depending on the feeling of the day.
I haven't been dressing all that well, just trying not to care about how I look.

Everyone comments on my weight, either it's because good you lost weight or because good you're not a stick anymore.

So.. Thoughts?
I hate this and feel embarrassed about this.

 

[mumstheword]

It's about self acceptance though isn't it?
It's a long road but can you just try to be kind to yourself and concentrate on how you feel about yourself, separate to what other's say?
If you feel like you are "ugly" just notice, without judging yourself "I feel ugly today. Interesting." If you feel "skinny" "fat" a good healthy weight, just notice, make an internal note to yourself, but don't judge yourself either way. Observe the judgement but refrain from judging yourself judging yourself, if that makes sense?
It fluctuates a lot, just the feeling attractive or not attractive, I've noticed. Although I have been very skinny in the past, I often felt fat. When I was a healthy weight I always wanted to be thinner. I wanted to disappear.
I have pretty days and ugly days. But now my weight ballooned I have had to get past despising myself and being disgusted with myself and get in touch with my "inner slim person" so now, I can control my eating, it was all about the self love and compassion and learning to regulate my emotions more.

 

[ILoveLife]

it was all about the self love and compassion and learning to regulate my emotions more.

Yep. It comes from low self-esteem. I'm aware.
I figure as I'm working towards empowerment and self compassion the pieces fall into place?
I notice I feel better about myself after some self care, like I may not like myself much but if I take care of myself anyway, it's a step towards acceptance and compassion.

Thanks mums. That does make a lot of sense.

 

[LuckiLee]

What is the average weight you're supposed to be? Make that your goal? It's a start.

You're beautiful. :)

 

[ILoveLife]

5kg to go, or 5kg ago. Depending if the glass is half full or not :)
And yes that's where I'm headed.

It's not the just the gaining weight though, it's the idea of beauty that I don't see in myself, or in other days I do but don't like it. It's all very messed up and superficial.

Ex made me believe pretty equals abuse, and ugly equals worthlessness.

I don't put others on the same scale.

Thank you :)

 

[MyWillow]

Yeah I get it. I used to model. Never enough for my family.

 

[MyWillow]

Before I became a scientist lol. Still not enough.

 

[ILoveLife]

I'm sorry @MyWillow :(

Never enough for my family.

Ugh. Expectations and standards right? Like we need to be perfect.
I rebelled and they call me a "freak".
Criticism followed by compliments when I dressed like they wanted me to, used make up, whatever it was that was out of character for me.
Not a perfect machine by the slightest here now and that bothers people.

Ok, venting. Sorry.

I'm sorry, I know how weird it can be.
Do you also have that "can't recognize myself in the mirror" thing?

 

[piratelady]

Everyone comments on my weight, either it's because good you lost weight or because good you're not a stick anymore.

I have this problem too and I know it stems from my childhood and was reinforced by my ex. When I was growing up, my mom was skinny to the point of being unhealthy. At the time, I was a healthy weight (I weighed 20 lbs more than her) and thought I was disgustingly fat. I can still remember when she would stand there arching her back so her stomach was pushed forward saying she's so fat that she couldn't see her feet. I told her, "If you think you're fat, I can only imagine what you must think of me" That comment had the opposite effect though and just made me feel inadequate. My ex also helped move this along. We had the DDR Dancing video game to play at home. When it was my turn, he would just stand behind me and tell me how disgusting I looked (that's the actual word he used. I weight A LOT more now and really want to get thinner, but just can't seem for force myself to make the changes I need it, which is disappointing, especially given my perfectionism.

My other issue though was my skin. I had quite a bit of acne growing up, I couldn't get rid of it now matter what. Then I would have my step dad shaking soap at me telling me I wasn't doing it right and was making myself worse. Now I have acne scarring that I desperately try to cover with makeup, because I'm so ashamed of it.

But now my weight ballooned I have had to get past despising myself and being disgusted with myself and get in touch with my "inner slim person" so now, I can control my eating, it was all about the self love and compassion and learning to regulate my emotions more.

This is my hope some day, that I can get passed despising myself and with that will come the weightloss I so desperately want. I just don't know how to get there.

I haven't been dressing all that well, just trying not to care about how I look.

Ok, so we're a little tight on money here right now, but my husband bought me a gift certificate to this boutique clothing store in town. I was going to wait to use it until I had gotten closer to my goal weight, but he wanted me to have the new clothes now (I don't get them very often). Anyway, there they will do personal shopping, so you make an appointment online, give them your clothing size, preferences, what you're looking for etc. I got there, they gave me a Mimosa, and had a dressing full of clothes in my size.

There was no going to the shelves and then me picking out clothes that didn't fit and getting depressed. She told me which pieces to try on together and why they were flattering. I only bought a few pieces, but I left there feeling so amazing and comfortable at the size I am. She even told me what to look for in clothes I buy elsewhere to have the same effect, so to speak. I no longer looked like a fat person trying to look like a skinny person. I just looked really good! If they have a store there like that, it's worth if just for the shopping experience, even if you only buy 1 or 2 pieces.

 

[ILoveLife]

If they have a store there like that

That's a great idea!
Actually most stores do that here. You just walk to a clerk and ask for it, free of charge. No mimosas though.
I always felt a bit stupid doing it because I once got a clerk that judged me for being too skinny - not my fault, just how I was built when I was younger. All clothes looked baggy and he had terrible taste. Said I didn't have fashion sense, which I possibly don't.

I really despise your ex. You're not disgusting at all, hope you know that.

 

[MyWillow]

I'm sorry @MyWillow :(


Ugh. Expectations and standards right? Like we need to be per...

That sounds like depersonalisation @Sietz

Perfectionism has been the only thing I’ve known so it’s getting a bit uncomfortable lol.

I’m kinda still trying to figure out what parts of my high functioning self are real. Like I go along to very expensive, very intimate breakfasts/lunches/dinners with state and federal politicians for lobbying purposes. I’m an animal behaviourist FFS but apparently I’m good at this. I did 8 hours filming with my dogs for a TV show last week and it was so easy it was embarrassing. I was so damn shy as a child but I don’t even get nervous speaking in front of crowds or lecturing to students. It’s like I consciously put all that to one side to survive. But maybe it’s not the real me.

 

[ILoveLife]

But maybe it’s not the real me.

I think there's room for both realities.
You do a lot of things to keep trauma and related issues at bay. Sometimes that's good for that sort of thing, high functioning thing.

depersonalisation

You're probably right!