goosegoose
Confident
It's been a while since I last posted on here, I hope everyone's been well!
Basically as the title says. And for context, this post is about my BPD. I have a pretty okay handle on my day to day, where I can at least recognize that I'm about to split and then take the necessary steps to try to redirect as best as I can. This would look like me taking space alone to use "S.T.O.P." or sit under my weighted blanket. Sometimes it's easy enough for me to just have a quick convo with myself like "okay is this person really doing XYZ on purpose?" or other similar questions.
But when I'm in session it's like my brain wants to act brand new. Redirecting techniques go basically nonexistent. It feels like the pressure of being in front of my therapist is so intense that I act in ways that I normally don't. It's really embarrassing and I understand it's a reflection of what's really going on for me, but it's getting to the point where I'm scared she's truly getting overwhelmed with me.
During my last session, she started asking me questions again about if I think our therapuetic relationship suffers because of my defensive anger (yes). And that she isn't there to play games or anything shady. I don't necessarily think she is, but I can't get past this angry block. I know this is more than likely me projecting this onto her but she has that "unflinching disappointed parent" look when things aren't going well and that's literally never been an insecurity of mine until meeting her.
She suggested using code words to try to help me slow down more in the moment, and I'm considering asking her to use a "Green, Yellow, Red" type of system since it's not complicated at all.
I'm just really embarrassed and need encouragement to show my dumb face next week. I keep having this memory of my last session of myself saying "you're not listening to me!" like a beligerant teenager and my therapist just stared at me and raised her eyebrows a little like "oh really?" and it keeps making me cringe at myself
Thanks for reading my mess and apologies as always if this has been discussed anywhere already
Goose
Basically as the title says. And for context, this post is about my BPD. I have a pretty okay handle on my day to day, where I can at least recognize that I'm about to split and then take the necessary steps to try to redirect as best as I can. This would look like me taking space alone to use "S.T.O.P." or sit under my weighted blanket. Sometimes it's easy enough for me to just have a quick convo with myself like "okay is this person really doing XYZ on purpose?" or other similar questions.
But when I'm in session it's like my brain wants to act brand new. Redirecting techniques go basically nonexistent. It feels like the pressure of being in front of my therapist is so intense that I act in ways that I normally don't. It's really embarrassing and I understand it's a reflection of what's really going on for me, but it's getting to the point where I'm scared she's truly getting overwhelmed with me.
During my last session, she started asking me questions again about if I think our therapuetic relationship suffers because of my defensive anger (yes). And that she isn't there to play games or anything shady. I don't necessarily think she is, but I can't get past this angry block. I know this is more than likely me projecting this onto her but she has that "unflinching disappointed parent" look when things aren't going well and that's literally never been an insecurity of mine until meeting her.
She suggested using code words to try to help me slow down more in the moment, and I'm considering asking her to use a "Green, Yellow, Red" type of system since it's not complicated at all.
I'm just really embarrassed and need encouragement to show my dumb face next week. I keep having this memory of my last session of myself saying "you're not listening to me!" like a beligerant teenager and my therapist just stared at me and raised her eyebrows a little like "oh really?" and it keeps making me cringe at myself
Thanks for reading my mess and apologies as always if this has been discussed anywhere already
Goose