Emberrassing Problem, Sexual In Nature

[Wondering_Loner]

Uhm I have a really bad fetish that seems to grow in response to stress. I can't seem to stop. My T says it acts a lot like ocd, wed with a bodily response. I've quit in the past, but it came back and now I don't know what to do. I hate it. This isn't my normal. Whats the first step to stopping this horrible compulsion? I don't know what to do.

Everytime I set a boundry for myself I get so nervous that I immediately violate it and myself. PLease help. I don't care why its there I just need to stop somehow.

Everytime I give in I get horrible depression and anxiety. My hands will shake for a few hours.

BTW this came on at puberty. I have no normal.

 

[joeylittle]

What are your other tools for stress management? My first thought is that you need to have more of an arsenal for putting out the small beginnings of the stress fires. Have you found things that work?

 

[Wondering_Loner]

OK yeah. I've been talking through that. Just so hard.

I managed to resist so far today. feeling so down and tense.

 

[Deleted member 33052]

I think the first thing you need to do is learn to accept your compulsion, rather than feel ashamed of it. Shame feeds the compulsion. The guiltier you feel, the stronger the compulsion. Easier said than done, I know, but your feelings and emotions have to be accepted before you can release their hold on you.

I think many of us here have atypical sexual compulsions, so you're not alone. :)

 

[Wondering_Loner]

What are your other tools for stress management? My first thought is that you need to have more of...

I'm supposed to breath slow. Ground or find something fun.

 

[Candleflames]

I had a couple of thoughts. Since you describe this as a compulsion have you tried Cognitive Behavioral Therapy for it? I have a hair pulling compulsion and did an intensive 12 week course to rid myself of it. You start by tracking triggers and feelings and determine other ways to cope with stressors. I found it to be really helpful.

My second thought is this: Is it really that bad of a fetish? I have no idea what your proclivity is but I do wonder if the shame you feel is disproportionate to the actions. I firmly believe that as long as no one is getting hurt unconsentually than have fun. But only you know if your compulsion crosses that line.

It's a rough road but I wish you the best.

 

[Deleted member 33052]

I wasn't sure how to say that...

 

[Tinyflame]

I'm not sure if I'm reading you @Wondering_Loner correctly, but if I am I hope you cut yourself some slack in at least especially 2 regards: 1. That would increase dopamine, which you probably need as quickly as possible in response to the stress of setting the boundary, a distraction really , and 2. if you feel badly afterward it my be self-punishment for setting the boundary.

Also consider HALT- are you hungry, angry, tired, lonely? eg, would sleep help? Even hormones, etc, can play a role.

If you are setting boundaries with others, it's hard to feel it's the right thing to do, & hard to deal with push-back & guilt. At least it is for me.

Best wishes.

 

[Wondering_Loner]

I'm not sure if I'm reading you @Wondering_Loner correctly, but if I am I hope you cu...

AS for halt, I'm usually really depressed before and this turns to self anger and anxiety because I don't know how to calm down. Its not a good feeling. Suddenly it switches. what was bad becomes good for awhile. Than comes the crash and the whole thing starts again as I become scared of loosing control again.

I really don't get boundries or how to make them.

 

[Tinyflame]

So it's a way to try to regulate your emotions?

Boundaries re sort of standing up for yourself, in a non-challenging way. Being clear as to what is not good for you to tolerate, & saying what your response will be & doing it.

For example, removing yourself from rage, until the person calms down. Or what have you.

 

[Wondering_Loner]

Just had a talk with my T. Mom came with and we talked about life. My move overseas etc. Also privately about the compulsion. I figured out that what I have difficulty dealing with is the fear that this fetish is my norm and only option, that trying to quit is futile, and the anxiety that about this will never go away. I'm feeling much calmer which has caused the cravings to back off in turn.

In terms of embracing the fetish. I don't know. When I give in a little the cravings get wwwwaaaaayyyy worse the next day. I don't feel satisfied after but often can't stop anyway. This causes me to panic and this panic will make me do it again and again and again till I collapse. I think this means its not normal for me. Sexual expression should leave me feeling good afterwards.

 

[Candleflames]

Yes sexual expression should leave you feeling a variety of things that can be described as good. However, the reason that you don't doesn't mean that it's wrong just that you are in a negative feedback loop. I used to feel shame for my fetishes but not anymore. I don't run around shouting about them because I like my sex to be private. The shame is no more though.

Have you tried researching the statistics of your fetish or talked to someone in the fetish community for information and understanding? Lots of cities have sex positive communities that can help you navigate your interest. Here in the fetish community I'm involved in the stance is consenting adults and no lasting damage then all is good.