Emdr And Confusion..

[zaniara]

I'm suffering from complex trauma, and have had PTSD all my life(childhood abuse as well as abuse when I was adult). I'm in T-CBT(trauma focused CBT): and my therapist uses EMDR among other things. We have a list of traumas and have worked with at least 6, or 7(I don't remember), traumas up till now. Each and everyone of them pretty horrible and severe.

I've seen a lot of progress made after these EMDR-sessions, though most of the times it took 2-3 sessions to get "done" with one trauma. The progress I've seen is that some of the bad triggers I had has been de-sensitized. And I can think about some of the traumas without freaking out.

But.. Right now I'm pretty confused. I know that the EMDR-process is tough. And after a session I'm usually not doing so well one to two days afterwards. But I had a session yesterday and we "finished" the work on that trauma during the session. And it really felt like it was resolved. But now it does not. Some aspects of it are better, I don't panic as much, and I can think about it. But I still feel so much shame, and I can't get the pictures of some of the things that happened out of my head- and they're not neutral. ?? Did I do something wrong? Was I not honest enough? Has anyone else experienced this?

Also I'm feeling overall overwhelmed by the whole therapy-process. It's like I hit a wall or something.. And I mostly feel overwhelmed and so tired(of it all) that I can hardly function. It's like if it's all went too fast for me, as if I'm not "with it"(hard to explain). I know that EMDR is supposed to process the stuff and that I should be "done" with it all(the traumas I've worked with up till now) but somehow it doesn't feel like if I'm "done" with it all even though the specific memories are less disturbing.. Not sure how to express my self and how to phrase the question: but I'm so very confused right now.. Maybe I'm just having a unhealthy need to dwell on things? Or am I not the right candidate for EMDR/CBT?

Today I'm feeling hopelessness, and as if I'm waisting my therapist time. :( If someone who have done EMDR has any input to give me I would be very grateful!

 

[anthony]

You didn't do anything wrong, and if you were honest, then you were honest. There isn't really any such thing as 'honest enough.' You either are, or are not. Which would you say it is?

Dealing with trauma is not equal. You have dealt with some bad trauma and seen a pattern, though now the pattern has changed you're getting worried something is wrong, when in fact nothing is wrong. Dealing with any two traumas is not the same, is the simple answer. You can get through many and see a pattern, yet you will then have more stubborn ones to deal with, harder ones, easier ones and so forth. As you progress you will see that there isn't really a pattern at all, and instead you have to accept each traumatic healing journey uniquely, because they are all unique memories and experiences to be dealt with. Recovery is not going to be unilaterally equal.

Please don't stress about it, it is normal. All you need to do is raise this in your next session and then continue working on it until you find the root fo why you feel shame and continue to see the images. EMDR deals with certain things well, and doesn't others. As does TF-CBT. It is good that your therapist is using a combination approach, as that is often the one with overall better longevity results.

Just accept you may have to switch things around as you progress and don't try and fit every trauma into a time-frame, because they just don't work that way.

 

[Deleted member 1860]

I think perhaps you had unrealistic expectations of EMDR? I have little experience with that type of therapy, but have processed my trauma in other ways. I was amazed at what I was able to accomplish, yet still struggle with shame, guilt, and self-hatred. Those are deeper issues that take a lot more time to deal with, but I don't consider my therapy processing to be a failure in the least.

 

[samson]

I have been in emdr for 1-1/2 years now for multiple traumas going back to childhood. I have felt exactly like you on many, many occasions. I continue to underestimate the amount of time and the number of sessions it will take to actually see results. You are not doing anything wrong. You are doing the work! And it is really hard work. Just hang in there. It does get better. My T says now that my brain has learned how to do this processing. I had a flashback this week and actually worked myself through it. I sat an allowed myself to feel all of the emotions that were coming up and I cried and journaled and was able to end by grounding myself in the present and reminding myself that I did get out of that situation and it will never happen again. This was a huge breakthrough.

You will get there. I didn't believe it when others told me I would - but it is true. I understand about not feeling "with it". When I have a setback, I feel a little outside of reality. There is a film over everything. I'm functioning, but it's not the same as feeling good.

I'm really sorry you are feeling this way. I wish I could let you see the future. I wish I could see the future. All I know is if we don't give up on ourselves, it will get better.

 

[zaniara]

Grateful for the answers. I think I've been having an emotional flashback of some kind today, as well as others(disturbing flashbacks leading to dissociation, and then anxiety again- and that repeated it self over and over again throughout the day :( ).. My brain is switching like crazy, and pretty chaotic. Not my best, sane thinking really.. (But then of course there is a reason to why I'm in therapy.. ;) :D )

You didn't do anything wrong, and if you were honest, then you were honest. There isn't really any such thing as 'honest enough.' You either are, or are not. Which would you say it is?

That's a very good point. Never thought about it that way. I was honest. Period. Thank you for your words they helped to try to balance my thinking a bit in the midst of the turmoil. Yes, I'm happy he is using both CBT and EMDR, and he is a very good therapist. But he is pretty new to EMDR; though he got certified just now. (It takes two years of work, after the education, with EMDR to get certified here.) So it's been a bit of a learning-process for both of us.

I think perhaps you had unrealistic expectations of EMDR?

I did not actually. (I didn't believe much at all in the method in the beginning; and didn't like the idea of it: but my therapist fortunately made me give it a go.) I'm concerned, since sometimes I feel that I need other stuff than EMDR to process a memory/the feelings surrounding it. But when you read and hear about EMDR it's sometimes made out as a "fast processing"; that's why I got the impression that I somehow failed when I didn't feel that "only EMDR" will help me with this. I think my therapist is a bit too enthusiastic over EMDR sometimes too; and that too has made me confused about it all: but I will bring it up with him next time and try to sort it all out. My feeling of being a failure might not have to do with anything in the here and now, so I gather it's a good thing it surfaced so that we can deal with even more.

You will get there. I didn't believe it when others told me I would - but it is true. I understand about not feeling "with it". When I have a setback, I feel a little outside of reality. There is a film over everything. I'm functioning, but it's not the same as feeling good

Thank you so much for your words, they gave me hope! :) And it feels good that someone can relate to the feeling. It feels less lonely.

 

[zaniara]

All you need to do is raise this in your next session and then continue working on it until you find the root fo why you feel shame and continue to see the images. EMDR deals with certain things well, and doesn't others.

Yes; I will do so. And I think you're right.

 

[samson]

I also understand about your T saying emdr is fast. I finally told him to stop saying that. It was so discouraging to me. He is looking at it from the point of view that traditional talk therapy can take a life time. emdr can still take years. I had the exact same conversation with my T. He hasn't mentioned how fast it works since then. :)

 

[zaniara]

your T saying emdr is fast. I finally told him to stop saying that. It was so discouraging to me.

Never thought about it from his perspective! :) He has been working as a trauma-therapist for 17 years, so I gather he's pretty worked up about what he perceives as a miraculous fast method compared to some of the others. I have actually thought to my self that if it wasn't for EMDR I don't know if I would have got this far even in the double amount of time(so I am grateful for the method), but despite that I need time to process stuff "outside" of the EMDR sort of too.. I never thought about the idea of asking him to stop praising EMDR. :) But yes it stresses me out! So thank you for the suggestion! I think I will bring that up with him.. :)

 

[anthony]

Just remember that you set the pace, not your therapist.

 

[zaniara]

you set the pace, not your therapist.

Thank you Anthony! :) Needed that input.

I sort have a lot of problems with knowing what I need/want etc, it was not interesting when I was a kid what I needed; I only existed for others needs and was used like toy most of the time. When I wasn't the punching bag. = thus the difficulties knowing what I need/want. My therapist has pushed me pretty much: and I so much wanted to "do good", so whenever he didn't I did(push my self hard). But right now I think I need to slow down a bit; not coping so well with the pace right now. = Improvement being able to figure that out I guess! :) (And the last days of panicking and venting it helped with that.)

 

[Deleted member 12723]

I am sad that you are going through so much suffering. EMDR saved my life so I encourage you to stick with it and not give up. It worked wonders for me.. Occasionally a old memory will surface but it has been healed and replaced with the truth. My memories do not haunt me anymore like they used to.

Before I entered the process I was so terrified to try it. But with a lot of encouragement and support I did it. I am so healed from so much and I processed the memories pretty fast. Perhaps you simply are not ready for this.

Healing is a journey of many years, I have learned. I wish you all the best with whatever you choose.

 

[zaniara]

I am so healed from so much and I processed the memories pretty fast. Perhaps you simply are not ready for this.

Thank you for your support, and for giving me even more hope. :) Quitting is not an option!! :eek: If I don't finish this process(treatment) I won't survive my PTSD. I've been down on my knees too many times and I would die if I didn't deal with it all now! (I am dealing with it at the best of my ability.) I am so very grateful for the opportunity. (A lot of people don't get the same opportunity where I live.) I think I just need some time to find a bit more balance, and somehow pace my self. I will discuss it all with my therapist.