Emdr Question. Safe Place No Longer Safe?

[Holdingontohope]

I had an appointment with my emdr therapist the other day. It was a pretty tough session. I was feeling worse (as in my score was higher) at the end than when we started. My therapist had me go to my safe place in my mind so that I would be okay to go home. While I was in my safe place, my abuser showed up there! I know this was just in my mind, but it really unsettled me. I didn't tell my therapist about it. By that point I was feeling really overwhelmed and unsafe and I just wanted to get out of there. Anyways, as I was driving home from my appointment, my father called and said he and my grandfather(my abuser) would be at my house in 10 minutes! Seriously?! Talk about coincidence, I hadn't seen my abuser in a couple years and right after he shows up in my safe place in my mind he shows up at my house in real life! WTF! I held myself together long enough to pretend I was fine while they where at my house. As soon as they left though, I broke down. It has been several days now and I still am not doing well with this. I am having more flashbacks again and urges to self-harm. I am also having more intense/frequent suicidal thoughts. Going to my safe place use to be a helpful coping skill, but now I am scared to go there again! What if he is still there? What if he shows up in real life again? I know its irrational, but I feel like I am not safe anywhere anymore (even in my own mind).

Honestly, I am not sure I can even bring myself to go back to meet with my emdr therapist again let alone continue the emdr. I don't know what to do at this point. I feel very destabilized. Should I go back and meet with her(emdr therapist) again and explain to her what happened? Should I talk to my regular therapist about it? (He is the one I have been working with regularly, he just doesn't do emdr so I am meeting with someone else for the emdr in conjunction with meeting with him). If I try to continue with the emdr, will my "safe place" ever feel safe again or will I have to work on coming up with a new one? I can see how being able to take back my safe place in my mind could be empowering if I was able to do it, I just don't know if I can. I know it may seem irrational, but I am worried if I try to use my safe place again, he will be there and he will show up at my house again in real life. Honestly, I am feeling really unstable right now and don't know what to do at this point.

 

[hodge]

I'm so sorry you went through this. Definitely tell both therapists about all this. I take it your father doesn't know what happened?

You're not alone. I've always had trouble creating a safe place in my mind. I generally have to settle for calming myself with the easiest breathing technique ever.

Try to take extra good care of yourself right now.

 

[Holdingontohope]

Thanks for your response Hodge. My father actually does know what happened. He was the one who took me to my grandfather's house. He actually walked in on my grandfather sexually abusing me and just turned around and walked out. And he still continued to take me there even after he walked in on it!
I will try using some breathing techniques. I have an appointment with regular therapist this week, so I will talk to him about it then.

 

[Missycat]

Definately talk to your therapists about what happened and how you feel. Your emdr therapist will work with you on this so that you are able to settle and self soothe following a session.
I use both my safe place and relaxation breathing exercises when i have finished, if its needed.
Its awful that you then had to face your abuser, you should be proud of yourself that you were strong enough to be present when he was there along with your father. Use that strength to work thru with your therapists and continued emdr.
I wish you well on your healing journey.

 

[Silver.]

I think you need to tell your therapist how your grandfather showed up in your mental safe space. You left therapy with her not knowing that you were completely grounded. This is unsafe practice when doing EDMR. So don't give up on her, just be open and honest so she can work with you more on techniques to "come down" and level from your sessions.

Also, I think you need to set and enforce some boundaries with yourself. You have a right not to be around your abuser. I would have a talk with your father and tell him you do not want your grandfather at your house. Tell him he is welcome at your house but not if your grandfather is with him. It is important to set these boundaries and stick to them so your house stays as a safe place for you.

 

[Suzetig]

I'd agree with others, talk to both therapists about what happened. I'm not surprised you're feeling shook up after your abuser appeared in your safe space psychologically and physically - you're reaction sounds perfectly normal.

Your emdr therapist might be able to help you with visualisations to help reclaim your safe space. If the concept of a safe space has helped you before, I think you've a good chance of making it feel safe again with some support. Did your abuser appear in your safe space when you were with emdr T? As in at the end of the session? I'm just wondering if that might be a sign of going too fast, ie not being able to keep your space safe again? Maybe talk to your emdr T about pacing and have gentler sessions with your usual T so that you're not trying to process on all fronts?

Sounds like you've had a big fright, so go easy on yourself and rest of you need to.

 

[Holdingontohope]

Thanks for your response Missycat.

you should be proud of yourself that you were strong enough to be present when he was there

Its funny that you would say this. I have always thought of it as a "weakness", like I wasn't strong enough to tell him I never wanted to see him again. Its nice to think of being able to handle it, even if just briefly, as a strength.

 

[hodge]

My father actually does know what happened.

Damn, I was afraid of that. Have you talked to either of your therapists about getting support for telling your father to not bring your grandfather to your home? That to me sounds like just prolonging the abuse. You don't need that. At all.

I was abused by my mother's boyfriend and finally, with the help of a therapist, I was able to tell him to leave me alone, and he didn't push things anymore after that. Well, not too badly, anyway. He still came over for awhile and would bring me things. But I was adamant about disregarding him. Eventually, he stopped coming over.

Here's the super easy breathing technique I use: breathe normally. On every exhale say a word or phrase that's calming to you. That's it. I hope this helps.

 

[JEKBreatheandBelieve]

I think you should definitely tell both therapists what happened and how it has affected you since that appointment.

Have you thought about limiting/breaking of contact with your father and grandfather or setting boundaries (like you need more notice upon them visiting)?

 

[Missycat]

It must have been extremely hard for you and one day , maybe with the help of your therapists, you can tell him how you feel. I believe that you were strong in that you remained 'present' and didnt break down. Its small steps but one day you will feel strong enough to tell him/them where to go.
Take care of you.

 

[Holdingontohope]

Did your abuser appear in your safe space when you were with emdr T? As in at the end of the session?

Yes, that is what I meant. He appeared in my safe place at the end of my session with my emdr T. I will talk to her about it and see if she thinks things were going to fast. Pacing things out a bit is a good idea right now. I might feel more comfortable going back and doing more emdr if it was paced out a little more for right now.

 

[shimmerz]

My safe place was always dynamic, not static. It really surprised me, because when I initially started to build it, because it was called safe... well, I thought it would stay safe. Not Quite. I noticed that I had to scan very often and adjust what was safe to me in any given moment.

One of the safeties I put into place was to create the space with attempts of others to come in, in mind. Special glass, special doors, islands, huge walls... all different things that I would use to remind myself if there was a problem with someone entering. If someone still got in then I knew I had big issues with whoever was getting in.

I wonder if it may have been more helpful to your T to tell him in the moment (if it was possible) because he may have been able to figure out what the breach was all about, if it happened due to the session.

It is really creepy, isn't it, that he would appear right before his physical presence? Almost makes you wonder if there is such a thing as attachment in a metaphysical sense.