Marymickaela
Silver Member
I've been with my EMDR therapist about 18 months now. We don't always do EMDR, sometimes we just do talk therapy, but lately have been doing EMDR as I seem to be tapping into or really connecting into some deep, rough emotions.
I started telling my Tdoc about my 2 adult daughters Christmas Day discussing friends being in abusive relationships and my 1 daughter's a nurse and she's talking like she's an expert as she's seen families in abusive relationships returning to the abuse. As I started telling Tdoc about this I started crying and said lets put the tappers on. This time she was using a headset with tones. I set the speed and volume. So as I listened I was able to reconnect into the emotions of how I felt listening to d's discussion.
I started crying which increased as I talked about how I felt. I said: I was standing right there listening to their discussion. I've told them many many times of my childhood, horribly abusive father, etc. Well they are ignoring me, I don't exist. How can they talk like that? Don't they know I lived it. Fearing every single day I might come home to have the crap beat out of me. For the 1st 19 years I lived a horrible childhood, afraid to go to sleep at night until I knew my dad was home as he might come drag me out of bed. As they talk I feel nothingness, non-existent, my world is shrinking. How can they talk like this and ignore me. I stood there for a long time, my world shrinking smaller and smaller, then silently turn and walked away.
I'm 19 and 20 and this was my Christmas. After I filed assault and battery charges against my dad I met my mom and brother at church, and my dad would drop them off and pick them up. We'd sneak out a little early to exchange presents in the back of my car, freezing. Over in about 5 minutes. That was my Christmas. I lived my life in terror. I sobbed and sobbed and sobbed, tears pouring down my face.
I Obsessed about my d's conversation for days, wanting to write them, write a book telling them. I provide a perfect Christmas, almost like Hallmark. They have a dad that would do anything for them. I said that after a couple days upon reflection realized they didn't purposely ignore me, were just talking, not meaning to exclude me and I was able to put it into perspective.
I talked and cried about a lot today and left totally drained. As I was leaving I told my Tdoc that if only my dad had said to me "I just wish I had been a better dad" before he died, it would have meant so much.
I came home and rested all afternoon. Hard EMDR sessions like these take so much out of me. Crying this hard leaves me with excruciating headaches all day, but I can tell I am slowly healing, gaining more self-awareness and it gives me hope. I am trying to visualize myself having a wiser me. A me who gives myself wonderful advice and I guess learning to love myself the way I was never loved.
I started telling my Tdoc about my 2 adult daughters Christmas Day discussing friends being in abusive relationships and my 1 daughter's a nurse and she's talking like she's an expert as she's seen families in abusive relationships returning to the abuse. As I started telling Tdoc about this I started crying and said lets put the tappers on. This time she was using a headset with tones. I set the speed and volume. So as I listened I was able to reconnect into the emotions of how I felt listening to d's discussion.
I started crying which increased as I talked about how I felt. I said: I was standing right there listening to their discussion. I've told them many many times of my childhood, horribly abusive father, etc. Well they are ignoring me, I don't exist. How can they talk like that? Don't they know I lived it. Fearing every single day I might come home to have the crap beat out of me. For the 1st 19 years I lived a horrible childhood, afraid to go to sleep at night until I knew my dad was home as he might come drag me out of bed. As they talk I feel nothingness, non-existent, my world is shrinking. How can they talk like this and ignore me. I stood there for a long time, my world shrinking smaller and smaller, then silently turn and walked away.
I'm 19 and 20 and this was my Christmas. After I filed assault and battery charges against my dad I met my mom and brother at church, and my dad would drop them off and pick them up. We'd sneak out a little early to exchange presents in the back of my car, freezing. Over in about 5 minutes. That was my Christmas. I lived my life in terror. I sobbed and sobbed and sobbed, tears pouring down my face.
I Obsessed about my d's conversation for days, wanting to write them, write a book telling them. I provide a perfect Christmas, almost like Hallmark. They have a dad that would do anything for them. I said that after a couple days upon reflection realized they didn't purposely ignore me, were just talking, not meaning to exclude me and I was able to put it into perspective.
I talked and cried about a lot today and left totally drained. As I was leaving I told my Tdoc that if only my dad had said to me "I just wish I had been a better dad" before he died, it would have meant so much.
I came home and rested all afternoon. Hard EMDR sessions like these take so much out of me. Crying this hard leaves me with excruciating headaches all day, but I can tell I am slowly healing, gaining more self-awareness and it gives me hope. I am trying to visualize myself having a wiser me. A me who gives myself wonderful advice and I guess learning to love myself the way I was never loved.
