Emotional Abuse & Guilt

[Mayday]

I'm struggling at the moment. Feeling an emotional backlash because I made myself go to a family dinner last week event though I really didn't want to.

I found this article about emotional abuse in childhood:
Full article: http://www.vachss.com/av_dispatches/disp_9408_a.html

Quote from article: The primary weapons of emotional abusers is the deliberate infliction of guilt. They use guilt the same way a loan shark uses money: They don't want the "debt" paid off, because they live quite happily on the "interest."

That quote about guilt really struck a chord with me. I feel like the guilt is destroying me. I feel helpless to fight it. I've always been made to feel guilty by my family. I'm so sick of it.

Just wanted to share this article really. It helped me a little tonight.

 

[Echo]

Thank you, @Mayday - I understand totally what you mean. My mother has a way of ensuring that whatever I do is wrong - damned if you do, damned if you don't - that's the best way I am able to explain how she keeps us all locked in her psychodrama. It might not be your solution, but I have chosen to have nothing to do with my family for a while, so that I can find some space to heal. It is such a relief not to hear from them, despite still loving them all. But having that space has shown me how oppressed I have been by it all. I'll have a read of that article. Thank you for linking to it. My saving grace at the moment is Toxic Parents by Susan Forward. I think I resonate with just about every page...

 

[Philippa]

Thank you, @Mayday I have chosen to have nothing to do with my family for a while, so that I can find some space to heal. It is such a relief not to hear from them, despite still loving them all.

This was my solution and reasoning for leaving my family alone for a while. I'm not sure it will be forever, but I needed that space and time to myself to heal and recover without them dragging me down any more.

Sorry it didn't work out seeing your family Mayday. I've gotten better at listening to myself when I don't want to do something, and not let that pressure to go get to me, but I still do fall into it from time to time. It's not easy.

That was a great article. I found it very validating and helpful to me, as I still, after all this time, sometimes diminish the effects of emotional abuse and compare them to sexual and physical abuse as somehow not being 'as bad', when really they had an incredibly diminishing and damaging effect on my whole being.

I've reached the stage where I'm only now starting to recognize that I need to forgive myself, and in my past life, I would talk about forgiving others as a way of healing and being empowered, but I definitely get that forgiving an abuser, when they haven't really earned that forgiveness isn't the best way to go. Learning all the time.

 

[Echo]

@Mayday - yes, that is a very helpful article. It has confirmed for me that I am on the right path, however excruiatingly difficult it is. Thank you again for posting.

 

[open eyes]

Thank you for posting this. It made me realize something about my psychological scars. Even though my abuse was mainly sexual, the few words that were spoken about it hurt me more than the original abuse.

 

[Mayday]

Thanks for commenting Phillipa, Echo and Open Eyes. I have to get to class but will come back to this thread tonight. I think one of the hardest things with emotional abuse is that it's so hard to recover from....how the hell do you fight it? I've been trying for so long. It's so pervasive...I'm sure my therapist must be sick of me going on about my childhood...I'm sick of it! Wish it was easier to deal with. I did improve for awhile when I cut off contact with my parents except for family occasions, but that is no longer feeling as safe as it did initially. They found other ways to get at me with the guilt. My T was away last week too, which didn't help. Looking forward to seeing her again this week, hopefully can get some clarity.

 

[Deleted member 12723]

I wasted so many years blaming me and hating me and feeling false guilt. I took on the shamelessness of my family.

I quit feeling false guilt having put it back on my family who were my abusers.

I had to disconnect from my family as they seemed to bring out the worst in me.

It took me years of grieving to not have my family. But they are sick and very unhealthy.

I also use the book Toxic Parents by Dr. Susan Froward. Excellent resource and spells out family dynamics so very well. I heartily recommend it. It was my bible for years.

 

[Mayday]

Toxic Parents by Susan Forward. I think I resonate with just about every page...

I also use the book Toxic Parents by Dr. Susan Froward.

I just found a copy of this online (as my local library doesn't have it) and have skim-read the first half. Bit shell-shocked by how much it resonates with me. I'll try and get a hard copy of it, so I can read it properly. Thought others might appreciate the link:
http://www.feminish.com/wp-content/uploads/2012/08/TOXIC-PARENTS.pdf

 

[ghotiff]

Thanks for the article @Mayday...my favourite quote

"And when someone is outwardly successful in most areas of life, who looks within to see the hidden wounds?"