Relationship Emotional abuse...

[lostforgottensoul]

He had no clue about the PTSD. I realized he had it because my mom was diagnosed with it, they had some similar symptoms, and similar upbringing

Whoa, full stop. If he isn't diagnosed stop self diagnosing. Not everyone that had trauma will get PTSD. Actually, most that had trauma doesn't obtain PTSD later in life. Self diagnoising based off of your mom and simular things? No, stop! Let the professionals handle diagnosing!

and keep his crazy mom away from him

Also shouldn't be your focus. What makes her "crazy"? And maybe he needs to do some therapy work around her and maybe even with her. And maybe he'll want to hold onto that relationship. Keeping his mom away from him sounds a bit controling to me. I'd tell you where to go if you did that with me and my dad. Now, if she's his perp like my mom was, maybe, but you really need to stay out of the middle of his relationships with his family. To be honest (and blunt) that's really none of your business. He's a big boy. He can deal with those relationships himself. If I had a partner that was actively trying to keep even abusive family members away from me they wouldn't be my partner for long. I even cut contact with these family members but that is something I did. I would not be ok with a partner actively trying to do that for me. That's my business and for me to do.

 

[Catlady4]

Whoa, full stop. If he isn't diagnosed stop self diagnosing. Not everyone that had trauma w...

So how would you explain ALL of the symptoms that are the exact same as PTSD? Sudden flashbacks and calling me up in the middle of the night crying about a nightmare about his dad beating him, withdrawing from me and his family and friends, getting physically ill and having panic attacks at the thought of going to work?

His mom beat him when he was little and now is starting to be violent to him again and kicking him out on the street! I would never force him to cut ties with her, but he wants to move here anyway and I want to help him to move here quickly so he won’t keep suffering like he is now because of her mental instability. He talks to me about everything that’s going on, so I’m not just making this mess up myself, but basing it off of things both him and his older sister have told me. His sister even said it’s good that I want to help her brother but it doesn’t help him if their mother doesn’t understand but it doesn’t seem that their mother cares. He can’t get therapy right now because he can’t afford the therapist where he lives and he’s working every day but Sunday. It would be so much easier for him to go to therapy if he moves here.
How can you be so judgmental when you don’t even know the full situation?? If someone CAN NOT get to therapy even if they want to, would you just say there’s no help for them and they just have to suffer with this their entire life???

 

[Sweetpea76]

So how would you explain ALL of the symptoms that are the exact same as PTSD?

Because these symptoms can occur with many different disorders, not just PTSD.

His mom beat him when he was little and now is starting to be violent to him again and kicking him out on the street!

He is a grown man, right? 22? If she is abusing him physically he needs to leave anyway. It's not abusive to kick a 22 year old out of the house.

He talks to me about everything that’s going on, so I’m not just making this mess up myself, but basing it off of things both him and his older sister have told me.

You're getting told their version of a story. You cannot be 100% sure of what is going on over there unless you see it for yourself.

It would be so much easier for him to go to therapy if he moves here.

It's expensive here, and insurance here sucks for covering therapies. It is hard to find a good trauma therapist. What makes you think it would be easier here compared to where he is at now? Is he living in a third world country?

How can you be so judgmental when you don’t even know the full situation??

Honestly, you don't know the full situation yourself. You're getting information second hand.

If someone CAN NOT get to therapy even if they want to, would you just say there’s no help for them and they just have to suffer with this their entire life???

There is always a way to make things happen. You said he spoke Japanese, is he in Japan? Has he checked any kind of social services? You keep saying he loses his jobs all the time... why didn't he get an appointment when he was unemployed?

 

[Catlady4]

Because these symptoms can occur with many different disorders, not just PTSD.



He is a grown man...

We didn’t know about the PTSD at that point, but I know from a lot of Japanese people I’ve worked with and gone to church with that mental health care in Japan is not good compared to here.
I’ve been researching ways to help and I thought he was just a narcissist at first and I told him I thought he needed therapy which is why he went to the dr who said he was just selfish, and he researched and sent me some links and said he didn’t know if he was a narcissist but he does feel and have emotions and care about people, so I’m just trying to find out what’s wrong. I know so many doctors aren’t helpful at all and my mom has had plenty of experiences with being misdiagnosed.

 

[Catlady4]

Because these symptoms can occur with many different disorders, not just PTSD.



He is a grown man...

He didn’t have the money to go when he was unemployed and I don’t know how their social services for that work over there or if he even know about it.
If he can’t afford to move out right now, he’s stuck living with his mom, and it is wrong to allow someone to live somewhere and then just suddenly tell them to get out in the middle of the night. I had just gotten off the phone with him and he wasn’t symptomatic at that point but his mom suddenly flew off the handle and kicked him out. That’s not normal and it’s not a healthy living situation. Would you kick your children out of the house like that? If it was something your child did, wouldn’t you try to get them help instead of kicking them out? If so I’d suggest you get help because that’s heartless and evil.

 

[Sweetpea76]

If it was something your child did, wouldn’t you try to get them help instead of kicking them out? If so I’d suggest you get help because that’s heartless and evil.

It depends on how many times they did what they did. If it was a pattern of behavior that they refused to change, then my child would have the responsibility in that situation. Once somebody is that age their parents are no longer obligated to house, feed, and clothe them. If a parent is still doing so at that age it is out of kindness or love. It's hard to love somebody if they are confrontational with you all the time. Or if they will not keep a job. Or if all they want to do is sit around and play video games.

My partner has combat PTSD. We've been together for years. I have to hold him accountable for his own behaviors. At the end of the day he is an adult and responsible for his actions.

 

[Justmehere]

It would be so much easier for him to go to therapy if he moves here.
How can you be so judgmental when you don’t even know the full situation??

We didn’t know about the PTSD at that point, but I know from a lot of Japanese people I’ve worked with and gone to church with that mental health care in Japan is not good compared to here.

I don’t know how their social services for that work over there or if he even know about it.

Want a Better Health Care System Than the US? Check out Japan. There are numerous other articles and sources out there on the interwebs that compare Japanese health care and outcomes to other countries, and again and again, Japan comes out on top.

Furthermore, he has made no effort to actually move to the US, so the whole matter is moot. Even if he moved to the US, that would not solve the emotional abuse.

His sister even said it’s good that I want to help her brother but it doesn’t help him if their mother doesn’t understand but it doesn’t seem that their mother cares.

This is irrelevant. Treatment does not require obtaining permission from alleged perpetrators for adult victims. Nor does his mother's lack of acceptance of your diagnosis excuse him emotionally abusing you.

You have no control over him. None. The only person you have any control over is you. Only you. That's it. You can't change his mother either.

You need to learn to set and keep boundaries as the solution. That has a very good chance of reducing emotional abuse you are enduring. Getting hyper focused on trying to move an unwilling, unsafe, and unstable grown man halfway around the world into your home is not a solution to emotional abuse.

 

[lostforgottensoul]

So how would you explain ALL of the symptoms that are the exact same as PTSD?

You may want to use google just a bit more. Actually research. MANY mental illnesses have cross over symptoms with PTSD. Many have symptoms but don't qualify for PTSD based off of it's diagnosic criteria. Until you obtian a psychiatric degree, you cannot diagnois someone with a mental illness. Self diagnosis isn't a diagnosis! And it's very dangerous to do!

He talks to me about everything that’s going on, so I’m not just making this mess up myself, but basing it off of things both him and his older sister have told me.

There are two sides to every story. You are getting only one side. The truth isn't usually on one side or the other but lies somewhere in between. You are basing this off of one side.

How can you be so judgmental when you don’t even know the full situation?? If someone CAN NOT get to therapy even if they want to, would you just say there’s no help for them and they just have to suffer with this their entire life???

You don't know the full situation either. Are you there with him? No. So you cannot possibly know the entire situation! He is a grown man. If he wants help he will get help. There is free help in Japan just like there is in the US. If he wants to get away from his mother he would have done so. He is a grown adult. He doesn't need saving. So stop trying to save him!

 

[Neverthesame]

I really hope It's not a green card marriage.

 

[blackemerald1]

Honestly how much of this relationship is about enduring love, respect and wanting to be together because this is someone you adore and have been told by him that he reciprocates these feelings back? How much of this is about healthy things going on?

You are having an online, over the phone 'relationship' which is orchestrated from what he and his sister tell you is happening. I can appreciated you feel dreadfully sorry for him and have loads of ideas about how much better off he would be if....he did exactly as you wanted.

At times rescuing a person from these predicaments (and I am sure you really believe it all) seems like our responsibility. But unless they are a child or elderly and vulnerable you really need to stand back and add a truck load of reason, dispassionate, critical thinking before you 'invite' them to reside with you on a forever basis.

Have you considered you could be quite off the mark with his diagnosis or have been directed by him to reach the conclusions you are? I am not suggesting you are making it all up. I really do think you want the best for this man. However please have a very long think about what is really best for you first. How can you see this relationship going forward? What if he hasn't got PTSD and is in fact not mentally unwell at all or actually is far more mentally unwell than what you have diagnosed him with? What if he can never hold down a job in the future? Who is going to bear the very large burden of his care? (you?) Can you see yourself being his carer/supporter for the rest of your life? Because this is exactly what you are inviting into your life when you organise a adult male from another country to live in your home with no or little prospects of gainful employment and you being their sole support.

He is not suddenly going to get well because he moves to another country.

He isn't going to suddenly get well if he gets in therapy right now. It is a long gruelling haul to recover from and or manage any mental illness. If he actually has one.

Can you consider for just one moment whether or not any of the circumstances you have described in your posts are the foundation for a healthy relationship?