Emotional Engagement With T

[NightSky]

I've been working on processing my lack of emotional engagement in the room with my T. We've gotten it down to my high level of dissociation, depersonalization specifically. And while I do not have DID, I'm starting to recognize that I have parts that are fairly distinct from each other, and they don't play well. I'm realizing the one small part of me that is able to connect with others on an emotional level is very skittish and rarely comes out. When it does, it's ready to run at any hint of distraction or lack of engagement on the part of the other person.
So- I tend to pick up on every nuance of T's demeanor when I get there. I look at her face and body language, listen to the tone and volume of her voice, and pretty quickly figure out if she's engaged or distracted. (I could be wrong.. it's all done on a gut level) I also take into consideration whether or not something overt is going on (like if her kid is sick, for instance..I usually know that stuff). If I feel like she has something going on or if I feel she isn't as engaged, I can "talk" but i am on guard and feeling guilty. Even though it's her "job," It feels selfish.
So..assuming she seems engaged and I don't know of anything going on in her life, now it comes down to distractions in the room. Voices outside the door, sun that shines in her window into my face at my appointment time every week, texts that come through on her phone that vibrate, having to know what time it is and how much time we have left.. these things all prevent me from letting my guard down. I realize some can be tweaked and some can't. I could talk to her about this stuff but it has never bothered me before. I'm just now realizing though that distractions keep me from being engaged though I'm not sure why.
Today after several distractions and knowing her daughter was having an issue, I left the session obviously disengaged and she asked me to email her with specifics regarding what worked and didn't work in session. That has made me think about all of this.
Does everyone need the perfect set of circumstances to emotionally engage? Obviously that can't happen all the time... curious about your experiences in this area.
Thanks!

 

[Beaglefan61]

I have parts also while not being DID multiple type. Understand how you mean. Some of mine are kind of missing right now, behind some painful stuff. Depersonalization i've also struggled with at times lately. Good luck with that getting better for you. I wonder with the distractions if it anything about feeling safe or like nothing or nobody will get in the way. Not sure but just wondering. Is there any emotional signal you get about it or do the distractions keep you from all emotional signals? Was just wondering about that as if you are picking up on every nuance about the therapist cues for safety may be really big for you right now and knowing nothing will be unsafe if you let down could be an issue. Maybe not, just guessing. What you know from inside will be better than my guess any day, though if that is hard to get to i hope it will get easier. Not sure what the reason is, but i can see how it would keep you from becoming as engaged in the session and really letting down. We need things to not distract, things to feel safe, and for any reason for hypervigilance to be eased. For me, i can be distracted from my feelings sometimes, though maybe at other times i wonder if my friends wish i was more easily distracted from them. Whatever is going on for you, i hope you will be able to let down in ways you feel it is safer and any depersonalization can relent and allow for the closer emotional contact. Sometimes we just need for things to not get in the way. I hope they won't so much for you in the future.

 

[kilted]

What I've found is that I don't engage much feeling/emotion during talk therapy.... so I am "in my head" most of the time. Apparently this is normal for people who've been through stuff.

What I've found is that doing body orientated stuff such as dance/massage/movement is more powerful, however I need the talk therapy to process and explore what happens in the movement/dance space.

My therapist also has a large room so we can sometimes do movement to try to re-create what happened in movement. Sometimes just being in certain positions accesses emotion/connection reducing dissociation.

Doing this stuff has also increased my trust and confidence so that I can sense and then sooth the mistrusting part of me during movement or therapy. this part of me is in my awareness, meaning I can choose whether to respond from it or not.

The difficulty I had was finding good body orientated practitioners/groups, many of them can't handle what happens when trauma resurfaces.... mind you there are therapists like that too!

 

[watundah]

I have a part that hijacks me in session and I freeze alot. My thoughts disappear. We are engaging with this part with hopes it will someday step side. It is a protector.

Do you think your distractions help keep you out of your body? Do you want to be more engaged? It can be a tough transition even if you want it to happen. Old habits?

 

[NightSky]

I have a part that hijacks me in session and I freeze alot. My thoughts disappear. We are engaging wit...

I absolutely want to be more engaged. It seems like distractions send the engaged part of me running back into hiding but I can't figure out why that would be.

 

[Deleted member 35429]

OP, I identify with everything you wrote. I don't have any advice as I haven't figured it out. I was telling my T about when i was begging for the perp to stop hurting me and he kicked me while I was on my hands and knees and my T just scratched his face or touched his glasses or something and I thought, for certain, he is bored and waiting for me to finish talking so he can talk about himself again. This fleeting moment of my younger part sharing a memory quickly vanished as soon as he made a gesture that signaled to me he was distracted. The next session my protector part ripped him apart for this for an hour. I didn't even realize I was upset about it but this protector part hijacked me entirely. I sometimes want to quit therapy altogether because this insanity only happens in therapy. I am pretty contained IRL.

 

[NightSky]

Can you guys help me understand this protector part? Where can I read more about this?
From what we can tell, my issue is depersonalization, but we are only starting to explore why I'm so unable to connect...

 

[mylunareclipse]

I resonate so much with what you are saying! I already feel like a burden so if there's anything going on I want to make sure I am not adding to her burden. I always feel like maybe I am boring her. Maybe this is stupid. She says that I don't share with her about everyday stuff, like what I ate today or what foods I like, or stuff like that. I find that very weird. I would never even think to share that stuff with her. I feel like that would be extremely boring.

I have a question for you. Have you and your therapist started talking about parts? How did you do that? Mine started telling me about dissociation once a bunch of memories resurfaced, but I avoid the subject like a plague. It's so odd to me to talk about parts.

You should follow beating trauma with Elizabeth on Facebook she talks a lot about protector parts. Also, I personally read the "body keeps the score" book and I also found that very helpful in learning what I am actually going through.

 

[NightSky]

The Body Keeps the Score was such a validating book for me to read.
We started talking about parts last week because she recommended the book Coping with Trauma Related Dissociation and in it parts are discussed in relation to DID as well as DDNOS. It has been eye opening for me to read and helpful for me to put some of my experiences into words.
Thanks for the Facebook tip!

 

[watundah]

Richard Schwartz defined the Internal Family Systems so check out some of his material and vids on YouTube for more info on roles of parts.

My one protector (I have 3) writes with me that they've been with me since my earliest days and are afraid of being no longer needed. They are also afraid I will be hurt again. All of it is frustrating as I have to work with this part to convince it to step aside in therapy and let me be my self. Needless to say, I haven't been having much luck w that (yet).

It does sound crazy and it has taken months for me to wrap my head around it. I think the work is fascinating, tho.

 

[Laurie2001]

Hi NightSKy. I can totally relate. I agree with Watundah about reading Richard Schwartz, Internal Family Systems. He talks about protector parts. They, I believe are there to protect the hurt child parts. They can do this in all sorts of ways like being hypervigilent, certainly getting distracted could be part of it. They may feel she is taking too much of a risk even when all the therapist cues are signaling its safe. I think that is something you guys could talk about.

I totally get noticing every facial expression. I get caught up if she says things in a certain way that makes me think she's blaming me, or judging me, etc. I ask her, especially early on if she hated me or thought I was a terrible person. I used to text her with these questions.

Sounds like your therapist is quite attuned and its great that she contacted you after to ask what you thought was helpful or not. But, I think it is more about understanding the protector parts.

I've just started to acknowledge that I have DID NOS. Its been very difficult to come to terms with. I don't have distinct personalities or loose time but can when triggered, like other people, feel/act like a younger child, or be frozen in fear, space out and have a lot of trouble talking, or sometimes, I've become aware of an angry protector part.

 

[porcupine334]

I am not sure you should know about her daughter etc, bc that is a sacrosanct time about you and for you.