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- #25
angel2write
Diamond Member
Exactly. Thank you. (bearing witness in my spirit :cry:)
Sorry you went through that, Spero. And glad you are being able to break silence now.
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Emotional Neglect?
- Post starter angel2write
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Exactly. Thank you. (bearing witness in my spirit :cry:)
Sorry you went through that, Spero. And glad you are being able to break silence now.
A
AngelKeeperJ
Sponsor
Wow, this puts my life into words! I learned that my needs did not matter. It explains SO much of us that is 'missing' because of our emotional neglect. I used to hide, hoping someone would come looking, but when they didn't it hurt even more.
I believe that these early issues are responsible for my stomach problems, as well as my self-digust.
Thanks (((Angel))) for posting these questions.
I, too, broke the chain of emotional neglect with my children. My son expresses all emotion, good and bad, and is a hugger! My little girl, though she couldn't talk, was love personified! She could give a hug that really made you feel better!!
purple butterfly
Gold Member
.
This post has been so helpful. Thank you for all your contributions, trauma can came in so many different guises.
I had no idea that I had been emotionally abused by my father until recently. My mother had a life threatening heart disease that would take her life prematurely, but thankfully not until I was an adult. My father groomed me to be his emotional partner, he manipulated me from a young age to put his needs first. This had a drastic, rebound effect when I got married. I stayed in a relationship with my alcoholic, husband for 30 years until he died of cancer because I was too scared to be alone. Causing further trauma for myself and trauma for my 3 children.
I too have broken the chain I hope of emotional neglect with my children. I constantly tell them I love them and probably have overcompensated by trying to help and be there all the time. This was not always possible when they were young because I had to survive with their father and deal with all of life's demands like a single mother.
I also teach young children and delight in creating a caring, loving, accepting environment. My T said this is because I am trying to compensate for what I lacked as a child.
This post has been so helpful. Thank you for all your contributions, trauma can came in so many different guises.
I had no idea that I had been emotionally abused by my father until recently. My mother had a life threatening heart disease that would take her life prematurely, but thankfully not until I was an adult. My father groomed me to be his emotional partner, he manipulated me from a young age to put his needs first. This had a drastic, rebound effect when I got married. I stayed in a relationship with my alcoholic, husband for 30 years until he died of cancer because I was too scared to be alone. Causing further trauma for myself and trauma for my 3 children.
I too have broken the chain I hope of emotional neglect with my children. I constantly tell them I love them and probably have overcompensated by trying to help and be there all the time. This was not always possible when they were young because I had to survive with their father and deal with all of life's demands like a single mother.
I also teach young children and delight in creating a caring, loving, accepting environment. My T said this is because I am trying to compensate for what I lacked as a child.
pontifixmax
Bronze Member
[I had a thought that I shared with my therapy group the other day about this same subject. Children should be a priority in your life not an accessory to it.[/quote]
Very true. I've always said that I won't have children unless I am absolutely ready to to put them 1st in my life. Everything else would have to come second, at least for the first 20 or so years of their lives, and even after then being a parent is still a serious lifetime emotional commitment.
In the work I do I have alot of dysfunctional adults as clients who seem to breed like rabbits yet have no concept of the reponsibility and self-sacrifice necessary to be a proper parent. Needless to say most of the kids in question end up in state care. It never ceases to amaze me that in our society you need a licence for pretty much everything except to bring children into this world. I almost wonder if prospective parents should be required to submit to a means and abililities test or something before being allowed to create another human being.
Very true. I've always said that I won't have children unless I am absolutely ready to to put them 1st in my life. Everything else would have to come second, at least for the first 20 or so years of their lives, and even after then being a parent is still a serious lifetime emotional commitment.
In the work I do I have alot of dysfunctional adults as clients who seem to breed like rabbits yet have no concept of the reponsibility and self-sacrifice necessary to be a proper parent. Needless to say most of the kids in question end up in state care. It never ceases to amaze me that in our society you need a licence for pretty much everything except to bring children into this world. I almost wonder if prospective parents should be required to submit to a means and abililities test or something before being allowed to create another human being.
J
just me here
The first time I really saw the depth of my stepmothers lack of parenting skills was when I had kids of my own. Only then was I able to fully see how bad she was, how little efffort she put into any kind of nurturing, she probably fealt that taking us to church and sending us to a religious school was enough to make her a great parent, but there was never any love or caring, only criticism and condescension.
And I let that anger for her totally mask my fathers amazing ability to enable her and allow her to push his only son out the door at 14. Now that I have raised 3 kids and they know what it is like to be loved unconditionally, I see him as a pitiful figure, an opposite of a caregiver or parent.
Heres what I was recently told by a great T that I wish I could see more but unfortunatly cannot:
I am not crazy or psychotic. 20+ years of therapy would have uncovered it if I was. So if I feel anger, it is a real emotion, it comes from a real source and is a valid emotion. Anger is the emotion we have that spurs us to solve the problems in this life. Of the big 4 (sad, mad, glad, scared) emotions, angry and scared are the powerful ones and as long as they motivate appropriate responses, they are benificial.
I am using my anger to provide the energy I need to remove my parents and all of their criticism and witholding of approval from my life. When I realise that I am feeling the effects of something said or done by them long ago, I remind myself of all the other things they have said that I have proven wrong by living a good life and raising great kids, harness the anger I feal when I remember those criticisms, and push them out of my head to be replaced by a memory of how horribly bad they were at raising kids.
Not easy being this angry, but I know that if I had started this process 10 years ago I would be happier today, so I am sure it is the right thing to do and I will be glad I did it 10 years from now, 100% sure thing.
And I let that anger for her totally mask my fathers amazing ability to enable her and allow her to push his only son out the door at 14. Now that I have raised 3 kids and they know what it is like to be loved unconditionally, I see him as a pitiful figure, an opposite of a caregiver or parent.
Heres what I was recently told by a great T that I wish I could see more but unfortunatly cannot:
I am not crazy or psychotic. 20+ years of therapy would have uncovered it if I was. So if I feel anger, it is a real emotion, it comes from a real source and is a valid emotion. Anger is the emotion we have that spurs us to solve the problems in this life. Of the big 4 (sad, mad, glad, scared) emotions, angry and scared are the powerful ones and as long as they motivate appropriate responses, they are benificial.
I am using my anger to provide the energy I need to remove my parents and all of their criticism and witholding of approval from my life. When I realise that I am feeling the effects of something said or done by them long ago, I remind myself of all the other things they have said that I have proven wrong by living a good life and raising great kids, harness the anger I feal when I remember those criticisms, and push them out of my head to be replaced by a memory of how horribly bad they were at raising kids.
Not easy being this angry, but I know that if I had started this process 10 years ago I would be happier today, so I am sure it is the right thing to do and I will be glad I did it 10 years from now, 100% sure thing.
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- #31
angel2write
Diamond Member
I really like the way you're shifting the guilt back on to the people who hurt you. I think I've been so afraid of making a judgement, so scared of being wrong, that I haven't been able to let myself do that.
I really like this. Going to spend some time thinking about it.
This sums up the reaction to the victim of a pediphile in a home. When she starts splitting apart the mother begins to be repulsed and torn between looks and keeping a lid on things. The father pretends all is fine and looks for the next one, nothing personal.
I've done EMDR regarding my father, I found the onslaught more than I was able to handle, though I continued on with my therapist at the time. I am currently digging away at the snake in the corner, the one that has haunted me and the one I have been afraid to really dig down to address because I've been afraid that if I'm really honest about it then I have to admit I was really very much all alone....on a level I've never really gotten to, that I have always been at, the reason I have never been able to be around her with ANYONE ELSE. She is still abusing me emotionally.
I am seeing a trauma therapist. I am admitting that if I lose her I will have lost my family. That they never really wanted me. I really was disposable. How much more obvious is that than when I finally moved out they immediately moved to another house with the barn and horses I always wanted, begged for since I was 9, asked for every birthday and Christmas. There is my mother taking riding lesson....oh, hi honey, how do you like mom's new horse? The new house? What? I'm sure we told you we were moving and yeah, grandma moved up and is living on the property......blah blah blah
I was 16. Yes, I would have to admit the obvious. That bad dream kids have came true.
Deaf Global Nomad
Platinum Member
Awesome thread... and so essential!
Plus the timing is ironically perfect as well. Everyone (teachers, therapists, doctors, etc...) always considered the active physical and sexual abuse and medical torture to be my main and only issues. Nobody, until my current therapist a couple weeks ago, mentioned anything about the emotional neglect that I experienced. I was not aware of it either. It almost came as a shock, then surprise, and finally realization that my therapist is right. With that we have added a number of new therapy goals to my long list. She wasn't quite sure how we were going to actually approach the actual making up for neglect at various stages, but she knew that we absolutely had to in order to help me achieve the main goal of therapy: Feeling like I do not have to apologize for being on the face of the planet. Of course as a therapist, she emphasizes and makes my language more positive whenever necessary (i.e. The goal is for the client to feel like she has the right to BE).
I'll let you know what creative ways my therapist comes up with for making up for the various neglect issues, once we really approach the topic. This is another reason I really appreciate my current therapist. She is willing to communicate with me and brainstorm ideas (the more creative the better) and then confer with colleagues to make sure that my needs are met in the best way possible. She knows I am willing to try anything. Plus with my luck she is a child, adolescent, and adult psychologist all in one. She uses toys, stuffed animals, sand play, blankets, pillows, etc... for clients of all ages and does not look down on anyone if s/he wants/needs to use or do something that would more likely fit another age group. I'm looking forward to trying these new things even though the realization of the emotional neglect really hurt and simply had me crying for over an hour in therapy, the appointment after she made the realization. My crying threw both of us for a loop at first because I have never cried before and I basically entered her office and the tears started rolling. I couldn't even tell her why. So it took both of us to really dig where it came from... Once we figured it out, it made all the sense in the world.
Plus the timing is ironically perfect as well. Everyone (teachers, therapists, doctors, etc...) always considered the active physical and sexual abuse and medical torture to be my main and only issues. Nobody, until my current therapist a couple weeks ago, mentioned anything about the emotional neglect that I experienced. I was not aware of it either. It almost came as a shock, then surprise, and finally realization that my therapist is right. With that we have added a number of new therapy goals to my long list. She wasn't quite sure how we were going to actually approach the actual making up for neglect at various stages, but she knew that we absolutely had to in order to help me achieve the main goal of therapy: Feeling like I do not have to apologize for being on the face of the planet. Of course as a therapist, she emphasizes and makes my language more positive whenever necessary (i.e. The goal is for the client to feel like she has the right to BE).
I'll let you know what creative ways my therapist comes up with for making up for the various neglect issues, once we really approach the topic. This is another reason I really appreciate my current therapist. She is willing to communicate with me and brainstorm ideas (the more creative the better) and then confer with colleagues to make sure that my needs are met in the best way possible. She knows I am willing to try anything. Plus with my luck she is a child, adolescent, and adult psychologist all in one. She uses toys, stuffed animals, sand play, blankets, pillows, etc... for clients of all ages and does not look down on anyone if s/he wants/needs to use or do something that would more likely fit another age group. I'm looking forward to trying these new things even though the realization of the emotional neglect really hurt and simply had me crying for over an hour in therapy, the appointment after she made the realization. My crying threw both of us for a loop at first because I have never cried before and I basically entered her office and the tears started rolling. I couldn't even tell her why. So it took both of us to really dig where it came from... Once we figured it out, it made all the sense in the world.
A
Anna
Did you suffer from lack of love, care, or concern from your parents?
Yes I did, but I know it was due to lack of time and stress. I have learned to forgive.
Were you left alone or ignored a lot? Yes, after an operation I was left alone even after the doctor warned my parents not too.
Did they show lack of concern, disgust or disdain for your emotions or needs? Yes. After a trauma event they even blamed me for it and were totally cold towards me.
Were you denied help or sympathy when you were hurt or in pain? All the time.
Were you ignored, treated like you were invisible, or given the silent treatment for long periods of time? No, more like screamed at or used as the scapegoat.
Did you act out or hurt yourself to get attention? Yes.
Did you ever feel like you were starving for affection? Yes
I think modern life is also to blame. Some parents are so busy running around working sorting things out it leaves little or no family time. They also tend to displace their anger onto those around them, those being the children, the ones they know they can take it out on.
It is sad that this happens.
I have learned to forgive and forget.
Yes I did, but I know it was due to lack of time and stress. I have learned to forgive.
Were you left alone or ignored a lot? Yes, after an operation I was left alone even after the doctor warned my parents not too.
Did they show lack of concern, disgust or disdain for your emotions or needs? Yes. After a trauma event they even blamed me for it and were totally cold towards me.
Were you denied help or sympathy when you were hurt or in pain? All the time.
Were you ignored, treated like you were invisible, or given the silent treatment for long periods of time? No, more like screamed at or used as the scapegoat.
Did you act out or hurt yourself to get attention? Yes.
Did you ever feel like you were starving for affection? Yes
I think modern life is also to blame. Some parents are so busy running around working sorting things out it leaves little or no family time. They also tend to displace their anger onto those around them, those being the children, the ones they know they can take it out on.
It is sad that this happens.
I have learned to forgive and forget.
Queen Boudica
VIP Member
Anna
I don't want to offend. But I think you are so not getting the point. Modern life was NOT the reason why my mother abused me.
To put it down to that is just so not understanding what has happened to us. If I could forgive and forget it would be so easy. I have been brain damaged I will never be what I could have been. My sister ended up dead because of it. It is not sad it is tragic. Lives have been destroyed and we are left trying to pick up the pieces.
I'm glad you are able to forgive and forget. I am left with the memory of my sister who is dead and the knowledge that I have to fight the effects on me for the rest of my life.
I will fight the effects of this but I will never underestimate what has been done to me and so many others and it is not due to modern life!
I don't want to offend. But I think you are so not getting the point. Modern life was NOT the reason why my mother abused me.
To put it down to that is just so not understanding what has happened to us. If I could forgive and forget it would be so easy. I have been brain damaged I will never be what I could have been. My sister ended up dead because of it. It is not sad it is tragic. Lives have been destroyed and we are left trying to pick up the pieces.
I'm glad you are able to forgive and forget. I am left with the memory of my sister who is dead and the knowledge that I have to fight the effects on me for the rest of my life.
I will fight the effects of this but I will never underestimate what has been done to me and so many others and it is not due to modern life!
- Post starter
- #36
angel2write
Diamond Member
This earned a snort of sympathetic laughter from me. Feeling like I don't have to apologize for breathing... yeah. Good goal!
This is interesting... I think you're the third person on this thread to talk about recovery being a process of making up for what we missed. Lizio was talking about that in terms of giving yourself the things your parents denied you as a child. I'll be very interested to hear how your therapist follows up on that idea.
Completely with you on the crying thing... acknowledging the neglect broke some serious tears and not a little bit of whimpering out of me.
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