Hi all,
I have been afraid to come back on this thread - afraid that all of what I exposed here was too raw for me. Afraid that even I, as both a former Electrical Engineer and current Social Worker, had revealed too much - that without any local/tangible/trustworthy support network, I might not be able to cope with any replies. Obviously, I do much better giving support than in receiving.
Anyhow, I would like to thank all of you for your replies and to clarify my own post. Hopefully that is ok with all of you.
The recent therapeutic relationship that ended so traumatically happened in early May. Then my SS Disability case went into full review in early June, but my Immunologist cannot be reached, my internist left private practice, and I can no longer reach or trust this therapist, so I am scared from a financial standpoint as well. And in July I had another surgery on my knee, my water heater/car bit the bucket (more bills), and my Aunt whom I am carrying for had to bury her son who had wasted away from pancreatic cancer. Then in early August I had to suddenly euthanize one of my beloved furry felines due to a massive tumor that resulted in pleural effusion, I joined this forum, and I have been alone in the hospital for the past 1 1/2 weeks being ventilated because of compromised lungs/airways and complicated by secondary pneumonia (more bills and stress)... And oh so many triggers surrounding me each day.
I am dealing with all of the above, and only conveyed it here now so that you may understand the context in which my last post was written. Now to the clarifying part. I was not specific about the details of each event in last last post because 1) I was trying to remain true to the title/topic of this thread, "Emotional Neglect?", 2) I was only trying to show all of you the pattern that I saw in my own life, 3) to once again (like in my two earlier postings) state my own belief, which was growing stronger with each comment I read, that neglect is inherent in all forms of abuse (physical, emotional, and sexual), but neglect by itself is also abusive, and 4) I didn't want my posting to be a trauma diary since there is a place for that, and I feared that too many details might hurt/trigger someone reading it.
I do apologize for the listing format, but I didn't want to go off on any tangents. Obviously, I failed to do in my last post what I had intended to do. And my own hopelessness spilled out when it shouldn't have. As for my recent "blow up" therapy ending, this was a highly recommended and experienced therapist whose current specialty was not trauma/PTSD but gender identity and sexual orientation, however it WAS her former speciality - and perhaps I didn't ask enough about how "former" the former was. But I was mainly going to her to reopen personal, professional, and social doors that had been closed or that I had withdrawn from after being fired for being gay (and yes my PTSD symptoms would have to be addressed whenever they presented roadblocks to my established goals with her).
The traumatic ending was far from anything I would have expected from her personally or profressionally or ethically, and she gave us no opportunity to rectify the situation with the truth or to even end on a more positive and forward-looking footing. I was informed by email of her assessment/conclusions/accusations and then blocked from responding. And honestly, I do wholeheartedly believe that we are two people with baggage first and therapist/client second. However her assusations against me bordered on being criminal but were buried within a two-party email exchange, which has no legal recourse for me (as there is no first-hand witness to the accusations). And yet these accusations had the potential, if spun correctly to certain bureaucracies, to do me great personal and professional harm, even though they were founded entirely on her misconception of dissociation combined with her own personal paranoid tendencies. I agree with her that after that there was no way to salvage any kind of therapeutic alliance. Nevertheless, there certainly was a more respectful, caring, and ethical way of ending it without mistreating me, neglecting my needs, or leaving me high and dry.
Hopefully that helps to clear up any misinterpretations or inferred meanings that my words may have cause. I am just not a vindictive person, but instead a person who works very hard to earn and to keep the trust and respect of others. And I felt that I had done that with her. This was just something I had absolutely no control over. But to reiterate, it wasn't her abusive accusations or abrasive attacks that hurt me the most. It was her total dismissal of me as a person who bleeds like everyone else along with her unwillingness to walk in my shoes for one moment before neglecting her professional obligations to me. It was my character and reputation that she attacked, but my grief and dignity and worth that she ignored. She placed her needs above mine, and forgot that "the business of the alliance to the therapist is anything but business to the human client - to the client, it is very deeply and profoundly personal!"
I want to sincerely thank all of you for this thread, your postings, your suggestions, and most of all your supportive understanding. I dared myself to come back here just to look, and am not sorry that I did. I have learned from each one of you. And in the context of "floating adrift in a trauma tsunami", I have received from each of you "a piece of wood and have made a raft". Perhaps, with your help, I can now ride out this storm and start anew when rested and physically healed.
They say that any lawyer who chooses to defend themselves, has a fool for a client. I say that any Social Worker/Phychologist, for which I am one, who thinks they can go it alone, has all the answers, or does not feel that they can learn from each client, should choose another occupation.
I can't go it alone, nor do I have all the answers, but I am learning from all of you!!! Much obliged!!!
Warmly posted with apologetic humility,
Alex, your forum friend
