Emotional Neglect?

[Anna]

Sometimes the forgiveness can quickly diminish.

Today the bad side of my mother came back again. I thought she had changed. I was wrong. The evil wickedness just poured out of her mouth again. Just like those years before. It brought with it the pain and agony of the past.

I spoke to friends and other family members to try and understand why. There was no rational explanation. It was like she was a child who did not get her own way, so decided to say wicked terrible things in order to belittle me and force me into doing what she wants. Narcissm for sure. It hurt so much. I now am paralysed, shocked unable to speak, I have to try and pick myself up. She ruined my whole evening with her wicked words.

I still do not understand why? What did I do wrong? Why did she do this??

It hurts so very much.

 

[Queen Boudica]

I still do not understand why? What did I do wrong? Why did she do this??

It hurts so very much.

((((((Anna)))))

You did nothing wrong. She did. The aim was to hurt you. That is how narcissists work. They get pleasure in it. They know exactly the words they need to do it. Don't give her that pleasure. You are not to blame.

 

[Oberons Wife]

If you can stomach watching it, Harry Harlow Monkey Experiment is re-enacted on You Tube.

The baby monkey is caged with a metal food administering pretend mother and a padded, fluffy pretend mother. The monkey is given time to aclimatise to it's surroundings and is seen cuddling to warm pretend mother.The baby monkey is then frightened and it's reaction noted. Every time the baby monkey is frightened it runs to the comforter.

Providing food and shelter is not enough.

My mother says she was too busy to feed me as a baby. My sister (4) had to feed me.
Shove the bottle in 2, 3, 4
and out 2, 3, 4.
Repeat.

I wondered if this might have been part of the reason for my sister hating me so much.

 

[Anna]

((((((Anna)))))

You did nothing wrong. She did. The aim was to hurt you. That is how narcissists work. They get pleasure in it. They know exactly the words they need to do it. Don't give her that pleasure. You are not to blame.

You are right. My friend told me she thinks my mother is narcissitic. My children were in the room and heard what my mother said to me. They both were schocked, and my daughter dreamt my mother stabbed me to death!!!!! For years I blamed myself, and tried to forgive her. I thought it was ok now, and I am still reeling at what she said. I do not understand it!

 

[Queen Boudica]

I do not understand it!

Don't think you can ever understand it. Think that is impossible. They have no soul, they do not think like us. It is all about them. It destroys you to try to understand it. "Does not compute" Just ends up making you doubt yourself, because it is so not understandable. It is what it is.

You have your children and your friends. They have seen it too. Walk away, don't let her give your children nightmares.

 

[Froggie]

I agree with Lizio, some people have lost their souls and it is replaced by masses of evilness, human evilness. How do you forgive that ... I believe that the lost souls are retreived to their just Master, but that is my belief.

It is so questionnable for those who have undergone such bad treatment as children still can feel compassion, know the difference between right and wrong and feel that "something does not compute" in a situation. This can be a forever subject.

 

[Srain]

It's taking me years to "walk away". Lizio is right, You did nothing wrong. You didn't. (((((hugs))))))

peace,
Rain

 

[mamachick]

Neglect without abuse can almost be more difficult to deal with in a way. When a parent is unavailable, it really doesnt matter why to a child (have to work 2 jobs to support or physically ill or alcoholic), the child still feels the neglect, feels they are not worthwhile, learns to be invisible or struggle for everything, because they do not reason this out and if they could, they still need the parents attention to meet their needs. When there is abusive behavior as well, we learn to push back, to resist, we have something to go up against (the abuse), but when there is no abuse, there is nothing to push away. I think this makes it harder to develop a healthy self identitiy.
So in some cases when I hear that mom had to work all the time or was very sick with cancer, the kid is still neglected but doesnt have anything to push back at. When there is raging or violence or drunkeness etc, there is something to push away, to escape from, to fight for.

 

[Srain]

And although her mistreatment of me hurt, it was her total neglectful disregard for me, my needs, my humanity, and my loss that she dealt with so callousness that has leveled me and broken to the core of me - a wish that I once felt only my bio family would revel in!

(((((Alex)))))
I had my own shocking experience with a tdoc when I needed her most, who not only put me in peril but the lasting effects sent me right over the edge. The circumstances are far different than yours and I'm not attempting to hijack your post simply empathizing and encouraging you to not give up on reaching out. This last tdoc you saw was out of bounds!! No matter what was said, if they took it out context - threatening you with their misinterpretation - they are out of line in the worst of ways and I'm sickened by it!! You deserve better. I can certainly understand why you have stepped back but I would encourage you to not let this person take your power from you.

It is always shocking when we find unprofessional people using a professional for their own purposes but you will find this to be especially true in the psyche field so it is a hit and miss. You were fortunate to have such a the great relationship you did with your tdoc that you lost and to learn so much and you take that knowledge to find another. It will take some looking and research but you will find the next good fit!

I am so sorry for all that you have been going through, your losses are without words. My heart goes out to you.

peace and healing,
Rain

 

[ms spock]

I'm coming to realize that a large, painful part of the abuse I endured was emotional neglect. And I'm wondering if anybody else has this.

It doesn't really write up well as a trauma. "My parents didn't hug me" doesn't sound very sinister or traumatic. But I think it seriously affected me, and I'd like to know what other people have to say about this.

Did you suffer from lack of love, care, or concern from your parents?
Were you left alone or ignored a lot?
Did they show lack of concern, disgust or disdain for your emotions or needs?
Were you denied help or sympathy when you were hurt or in pain?
Were you ignored, treated like you were invisible, or given the silent treatment for long periods of time?
Did you act out or hurt yourself to get attention?
Did you ever feel like you were starving for affection?

There's probably more ways this could manifest that I haven't thought of yet.

All of the above. It is harder to deal with than the physical and sexual abuse. It is all so invisible.
ms spock

 

[ms spock]

I wondered if this might have been part of the reason for my sister hating me so much.

This is where our parents set us up to be against each other for the rest of our lives. They put the trip wires in there and they set us up to fail and then they use that so we can never compare notes on abuse and life in general.

It is such an awful mindgame.
ms spock

 

[ms spock]

((((((Anna)))))

You did nothing wrong. She did. The aim was to hurt you. That is how narcissists work. They get pleasure in it. They know exactly the words they need to do it. Don't give her that pleasure. You are not to blame.

I can see why you blame your self for the sociopath/psychopath from your life. Your mother did it to you first. She set you up for life.
ms spock