The invisible injury
voodoobaby, I am glad you found this thread and more importantly, found it helpful. I too, learned to be no trouble for anyone.
My mother also grew up during depression, and she was depressed with 5 daughters. She was divorced. Since I was the youngest and they divorced when I was 1, I did not know that he was not my father. He picked my sisters up and took them places, but usually not me. Early on, she was having an affair with my biological father so she was seemingly more happy. My sisters resented a new baby in the house, and I knew that from the start.
By the time I was 5, my mother was depressed and there were many conflicts between her and my sisters, often violent and involving the police coming. I was that little kid hiding behind the door or at the top of the steps. When all the commotion was over, I don't remember anybody comforting me so I really don't know what I did. By the time I started school, she was becoming depressed and often did not get out of bed. My sisters think I got all of the love and attention. I think their view is distorted, as is mine about the world. Their father was an alcoholic and died at 60. My mother was an alcoholic in the making. I was very neglected. I did have some bratty behavior when young, I'm sure it was seeking any attention, even negative. So I got the name brat from my family of origin.
By age 11, my mother was such a drunk that I was put in orphanage. At 13, an older sister got custody of me. She had 3 small children, and there was a non spoken agreement that I could live there as long as I was no trouble. Don't ask for anything. Not permitted to participate in after school activities like track or the prom, and if I ever did get in trouble (usually coming home late), I was grounded and given the silent treatment. Even the 3 children under 5 were not allowed to talk to me during high school years. I always knew that if my legal father had not have died, and I did not get social security, I would not be there. It was a nice little chunk of change if I remained invisible. I don't ever remember being hugged.
I married a bi-polar addict at 17 and pregnant. Of course I did not know this. I just tried not to be any trouble, and tried to be very compliant so that he didn't get angry and hit me, which started during pregnancy.
This is where I want to change focus from my being emotionally neglected, to my daughter being emotionally neglected.
By the time my daughter was a few months old, I had adapted to all of my husbands demands. My house was spotless. He would go nuts if toys were out and the newspaper was laying on the coffee table when he came home. He worked construction and would come in anywhere from 6-10 pm. I was to have his dinner within minutes as he did not want to shower before he ate. He also preferred our daughter be in bed. He often did not see her for days at a time. I remember washing windows with this baby on my hip. I was nervous, emotionally unavailable, and sadly, neglectful. She was clean, fed, etc. I just remember reading to her and my head being elsewhere. Very sad to admit. On top of this, she witnessed a lot of abuse. Although she was never the target, this was very damaging. After six yrs, we divorced and violence really escalated. She is 36 and has ptsd, is bi-polar, borderline personality disorder.
When she was 10 I remarried and we had 2 more daughters. This was too much for her. She wanted her mom all to herself for obvious reasons. Things were never enough for her. It became humanly impossible to meet her needs, even if I had not had 2 more children. We (parents), created this. She was genetically prone to bi-polar. The rest is a result of emotional neglect.
My second husband is very emotionally neglectful. Yet I got to grow, to heal, to find out who I am. Most of all, I had the opportunity to be a great mom, and he financially supported and rarely raised his voice. (He has his own history of alcoholic parents-I did not understand at time). He was always calm. I sought out a man that would never create chaos. Good thing-with 3 daughters.
He is a good man. I read everything I could on parenting, went to counseling and Co-D and ACOA groups. I did a great deal of recovering but addressed from another stand point than trauma, which is much deeper. Had a really good life. Yet not a day has ever passed that I haven't wished that my oldest daughter had the same opportunity to be shown love that my younger 2 have.
So much comes into play as to why parents do what they do. It is no excuse and does not negate the pain. I feel the pain from my own family of origin and the pain that I have caused. I'm in mid 50's now. I wish that we knew then what we know now. I wish we had the resources but we didn't. My oldest daughter is one of those people that "always about me" and "hows this going to effect me". That comes from emotional neglect. I love her as much as my others, I was not free to express it the same.
Whatever it is that we feel, it is ours and we feel it for a reason. The best we can hope and shoot for is that one day we will be ready to let go of that pain, that it will no longer serve a purpose. We are all lovable and worthy. For some of us, we have to remind ourselves regularly and it is work to re-direct our thoughts. It really does take work and plans to set ourselves up to be around people who appreciate our presence and show love, and learn to receive it back.
Anybody reading this thread-I am guessing can relate in some way. Emotional neglect can be the silent killer when it comes to forms of abuse.
