Emotional Spiral In Therapy - Too Attached To Therapist

[anonymous]

Does anyone else ever start out just a little upset and tell themselves to be more reasonable but just get more and more upset until they're crying and frustrated and can hardly explain why or express it?

I tried a therapy session today, was a little upset about something my therapist did recently, but moreso, just wanted to talk to her, because we have such a good connection in general, I seem to always want to talk to her, and get very agitated when we have a misunderstanding. I get jealous of the time she spends with other clients too and try to talk myself out of feeling like I need her so much, but sometimes I think that backfires.

I hardly know what my question to you all is, except, can you relate? I'm in such a muddle I don't even feel I'm explaining it well, what I want y'all to relate too. Bad day.

 

[stephanie44]

I am headed into a session right now but I wanted to write in and tell you I can totally relate, although my issue seems to be more about thinking about my therapist outside of therapy - a lot. I will write more later but I don't think the transference you are feeling is out of the ordinary. It can feel really hard, though!

 

[anonymous]

Yes, that's part of my issue too. I'm always thinking about her it feels like. When something goes wrong between us, I'm so upset, and when things go well, I'm always longing to stay in touch with her, like constantly. It's so hard. Thank you for posting! I'm afraid if she knew just how much I think about her, she'd be uncomfortable, like I'm a stalker. Sigh.

 

[anonymous]

Thank you for posting! I'm afraid if she knew just how much I think about her, she'd be uncomfortable, like I'm a stalker. Sigh.

I can relate a bit to what you're writing. Especially to this last sentence. But I don't feel jealous. I just seem to need my therapist really much, and she is so important to me. (I try to respect her boundaries though.)

I think that's actually pretty healthy, since I never have been attached like this, for real, with anyone else than my first abuser(parent). And that was not a healthy relationship and of course a lot of those old feelings arises now in this relationship. And it can get pretty chaotic at times: and when something goes wrong I too get really upset and scared. But over time the fear has lessened more and more, and I'm starting to feel a bit more safe, since we manage to sort it all out every time, and since she's not abandoning or abusing me like so many other people have.

Even though it can be really painful to get in contact with all these unmet needs inside of me and all the feelings that I never was able to deal with in a healthy way before, I think this can be a way of learning trust. For the first time in my life. I think the relationship with my therapist(within the boundaries) really will help me to be able to form better relationships with others. I get to practice a lot of the things I need to practice, in a safe environment.

 

[Deleted member 1860]

Is your therapist encouraging independence? How much do you contact her outside of sessions? I'm just trying to get a better feel of how the relationship operates.

 

[radicalgratitude]

I can relate to this as well. Whenever I've had a really good therapist, I have worried that she would die or something else would happen to her. We share so much with them, it is natural to form attachments. I also miss them when I stop seeing them for whatever reason. What I do when I am experiencing this is acknowledge it to myself. To be honest, I have never shared these feelings with a therapist before. I have said similar things though, like "I missed you" or "I will miss you." I know therapists deal with the same feelings and some like to get cards from former patients to know how they are doing.

 

[stephanie44]

Well, I had a rough session today and really felt like pushing my therapist away even though I needed her. I was able to talk with her about it but something new is emerging that I now need to deal with. I am finally starting to deal with some of my sexuality issues and at times, feel like I am attracted to her(at first I thought this was just transference but now I am not sure). I am going to need to work through this with her. Keep trying to be as honest with your therapist as you can.

 

[Bees Are Awesome]

I can certainly relate! My T left on vacation for a couple of weeks and at the end of my last session I teared up when I said goodbye. I felt so embarrassed! It is natural to form that attachment to our Ts though because we become so vulnerable with them and tell them things we would never tell another person. Therapy is very personal. I hope it helps to know that you are a not alone in feeling the way you do!

 

[anonymous]

Is your therapist encouraging independence? How much do you contact her outside of sessions?

She doesn't need to encourage independence, actually: I'm really proactive about my life and in charge. I am maybe too independent, and that's part, probably, of why depending on her for emotional support and connection is sooo hard. I have a lot of abandonment type issues I think. I don't contact her out of session, really, except for scheduling or things like that, but I have a lot of sessions, like 3 a week.

 

[Deleted member 1860]

Ok well you contradict yourself. You say that you are too attached to her, yet then you say that you're so independent that she doesn't need to encourage separation. Sorry, but you can't have it both ways! (Especially when the title says you are too attached.). Clearly, she needs to encourage separation and independence from HER. Remember, at the end of the day, if you stop paying, she stops caring for you an hour a week.

 

[anonymous]

I simply *feel* too attached because I'm unused to having someone to rely on. It is a very uncomfortable feeling, but I think as I work through it and grow in my ability to trust in the therapeutic relationship, it will get better. Today, it's a little hard though: I got triggered and feel particularly off balance. But it's not impossible to be an independent person, have good judgement and do well in my life, but want help and feel uncomfortable taking it. As for "at the end of the day" I don't believe she'd stop caring at all. I'm paying for her time, expertise, but not the caring. She's said that, I've experienced it, and believe it. I'm not saying she'd continue to see me indefinitely, or see me for free or anything, but that she is a genuine person with a vocation where she can help others as her livelihood. I do believe, based on my experience with her, she would be accommodating about negotiating fees if I had some setback and needed the assistance. It is hard to consider it is a paid for relationship, that's true, but I find the space well worth it and pay for other help from caring professionals too, I don't think my doctor, for example, is in it just for the money either.

 

[stephanie44]

I do not agree about the, "If you stop paying, she stops caring." Your therapist is a human being first and she will always care about you - she probably wonders how you are doing in between sessions. If you have attachment trauma, like I do, then that type of trauma can only be healed within a relationship(therapeutic or not) because the trauma happened within a relationship. I would continue talking about it with your therapist because that is all a part of the process. Talking about the actual therapeutic relationship itself with my therapist had been a huge help to me. There is a famous psychotherapist who has written two books all about this topic - I will need to find the books and then I can post the titles for you.