stephanie44
Bronze Member
The therapist's name is Diane Fosha and if you google her name, you will find her website.
-
We are a multilingual website again. Read the notice about this.
-
Understand AI use at MyPTSD: all AI use is explained in our AI help page. AI use is by choice here. It exists if you want it, but does nothing unless you choose to use it.
Emotional Spiral In Therapy - Too Attached To Therapist
- Post starter anonymous
- Start date
- Status
stephanie44
Bronze Member
Diana Fosha - AEDP is the type of therapy she pioneered.
D
Deleted member 1860
I think you all miss my point which is that these are professional relationships subject to termination on the therapists part for any reason. The relationship cannot ethically continue outside of therapy until a period of two years has passed. I understand that they may "care" outside of the hour time period, but ultimately you are just paying them for a service.
- Post starter
- #16
Thank you very much for the book referrals! Yes, I did devote an entire session to our relationship, how it made me feel, the troubles I've had with not having long-lasting maternal-type attachments with women in the past, and how hard it was for me. My therapist was very affirming and helped me feel a lot better about it. Big sigh of relief!
Yes, Solara, all relationships can be terminated at any time for any reason, however, my therapist has verbally comitted to me that she will not do that, that she will be there for me and that I won't be too much for her. She even wrote me a very reassuring letter about how I could not be too __________ for her, like too angry, too upset, too silent, etc. She says now that she knows me well enough, we've been together a little while now, she knows that there's nothing I could do that would cause her to terminate the relationship and she plans to be there for me long term. I believe her. She has decades of experience to back her up, and I've come to trust her. It is scary but I think it's good. I don't intend to try and have the relationship continue outside of therapy at all: I'm not imagining we'd be friends later- I'm imagining, just like she's told me, that her clients are clients for life, and when our work is done, if I ever need or want her therapeutic help again, she'll be there to the best of her ability.
Yes, Solara, all relationships can be terminated at any time for any reason, however, my therapist has verbally comitted to me that she will not do that, that she will be there for me and that I won't be too much for her. She even wrote me a very reassuring letter about how I could not be too __________ for her, like too angry, too upset, too silent, etc. She says now that she knows me well enough, we've been together a little while now, she knows that there's nothing I could do that would cause her to terminate the relationship and she plans to be there for me long term. I believe her. She has decades of experience to back her up, and I've come to trust her. It is scary but I think it's good. I don't intend to try and have the relationship continue outside of therapy at all: I'm not imagining we'd be friends later- I'm imagining, just like she's told me, that her clients are clients for life, and when our work is done, if I ever need or want her therapeutic help again, she'll be there to the best of her ability.
I think it's normal to form a strong attachment to a good therapist. My therapist has guided me through all the majorly important decisions in my life.
I've found that being completely honest with my therapist about everything makes all the difference. There's a reason you're feeling this way, I think if you were to be honest with your therapist about how you feel -they would be able to help you make sense of those feelings and help you understand how to get through it :happy: from what you've described, it sounds like there may be a younger part of you that is wanting to heal from some attachment issues.
I've found that being completely honest with my therapist about everything makes all the difference. There's a reason you're feeling this way, I think if you were to be honest with your therapist about how you feel -they would be able to help you make sense of those feelings and help you understand how to get through it :happy: from what you've described, it sounds like there may be a younger part of you that is wanting to heal from some attachment issues.
BloomInWinter
VIP Member
This is where a bit of Cognitive-Behavioral-Therapy can help minimize distress.
When I have a rough moment in therapy, I don't describe it as my therapist doing something "wrong." I just say in my head "we had a miscommunication" or "I need to clarify something." My therapist is only a human being doing her best to help someone with a very complex set of wired alarms and no way to see them. Expecting her to be able to avoid tripping them just isn't realistic. But, I know she doesn't do it on purpose, because I trust her that her intentions are good.
She and I are mapping out my wiring together, and healing what we can. But because of all the mis-wiring, I'm going to have difficult moments but when I give her the benefit of the doubt until I can ask her at the next appointment, I don't spend my time out in the world worrying about it. Not anymore.
But, I do get it. It's not easy. It does get better.
It's also normal to think about your therapist a lot. As they replace the harmful inner voice we often come into therapy with, we form a strong attachment to them. That attachment helps us have an anchor within ourselves in which to heal deep seated wounds. It's a therapist's job to help us form that so that transference of our traumas can be transformed successfully into post-trauma selves.
It won't always be so strong of an attachment. Eventually, as we learn to love and respect ourselves, our "selves" begin taking more and more of that brain space. It's all part of the process of healthy recovery. But it doesn't feel good since it's so different than what we used to have in our heads.
When I have a rough moment in therapy, I don't describe it as my therapist doing something "wrong." I just say in my head "we had a miscommunication" or "I need to clarify something." My therapist is only a human being doing her best to help someone with a very complex set of wired alarms and no way to see them. Expecting her to be able to avoid tripping them just isn't realistic. But, I know she doesn't do it on purpose, because I trust her that her intentions are good.
She and I are mapping out my wiring together, and healing what we can. But because of all the mis-wiring, I'm going to have difficult moments but when I give her the benefit of the doubt until I can ask her at the next appointment, I don't spend my time out in the world worrying about it. Not anymore.
But, I do get it. It's not easy. It does get better.
It's also normal to think about your therapist a lot. As they replace the harmful inner voice we often come into therapy with, we form a strong attachment to them. That attachment helps us have an anchor within ourselves in which to heal deep seated wounds. It's a therapist's job to help us form that so that transference of our traumas can be transformed successfully into post-trauma selves.
It won't always be so strong of an attachment. Eventually, as we learn to love and respect ourselves, our "selves" begin taking more and more of that brain space. It's all part of the process of healthy recovery. But it doesn't feel good since it's so different than what we used to have in our heads.
Anonymous, I just wanted to drop in with some reassurance for you that what you are experiencing, though upsetting and uncomfortable and confusing, sounds as though it is very normal and healthy, particularly given your ability and willingness to discuss it with your therapist and to hence use it as a learning and growing experience.
Many here will know that I struggle, and have done so for a long time, with the degree of attachment I feel to my therapist and the level of dependence that I feel I currently have on him. I suspect some here would say it was unhealthy, or would at least caution me as to the realities of a therapeutic relationship. And that's fine. I am so painfully aware of the dynamic of the relationship that it's not something I am ever likely to become blazae about.
Like many things in life, there are more shades of grey than there are elements of black and white, and therapeutic relationships and trauma therapy in general is an inherently grey world, because it's all about human beings and healing from harm, and those things are inherently complex.
I subscribe to the school of thought that complex trauma and its consequent harm occurred in the context of human relationships, and must therefore be healed in that same context. If we could all undergo a surgical procedure that would achieve the same results without any requirement for human relationship, we all probably would, because it would be quicker, easier, and less distressing and threatening in the meantime. But we'd miss out on all the good bits too, and sometimes I just feel so damn sad that I can't get over my shame and concern and insecurity enough to just enjoy the fact that there is now someone in the world I trust and can talk to and enjoy spending time with. I hope I'm not always ashamed and anxious about that.
Sorry Anon, think I hijacked and projected a bit there...
Bloomin, just wanted to say I loved what you said about the voice of the therapist partly replacing the negative internal voice. That's a really helpful way to think about it that I hadn't consciously identified.
Many here will know that I struggle, and have done so for a long time, with the degree of attachment I feel to my therapist and the level of dependence that I feel I currently have on him. I suspect some here would say it was unhealthy, or would at least caution me as to the realities of a therapeutic relationship. And that's fine. I am so painfully aware of the dynamic of the relationship that it's not something I am ever likely to become blazae about.
Like many things in life, there are more shades of grey than there are elements of black and white, and therapeutic relationships and trauma therapy in general is an inherently grey world, because it's all about human beings and healing from harm, and those things are inherently complex.
I subscribe to the school of thought that complex trauma and its consequent harm occurred in the context of human relationships, and must therefore be healed in that same context. If we could all undergo a surgical procedure that would achieve the same results without any requirement for human relationship, we all probably would, because it would be quicker, easier, and less distressing and threatening in the meantime. But we'd miss out on all the good bits too, and sometimes I just feel so damn sad that I can't get over my shame and concern and insecurity enough to just enjoy the fact that there is now someone in the world I trust and can talk to and enjoy spending time with. I hope I'm not always ashamed and anxious about that.
Sorry Anon, think I hijacked and projected a bit there...
Bloomin, just wanted to say I loved what you said about the voice of the therapist partly replacing the negative internal voice. That's a really helpful way to think about it that I hadn't consciously identified.
I feel the same. and I don't pay for my sessions, so for whomever said You stop paying they stop seeing you is very wrong. I see my therapist 2 times a week sometimes 3 plus emails and phone calls several times a day. I guess I'm not of the independent type. we've been working together for 7 years.
stephanie44
Bronze Member
Actually, the termination process can go both ways. My therapist has told me in no uncertain terms that she would not terminate me. I trust that she cares very deeply for me and I know that in order for my attachment trauma to heal, I must become attached to my therapist in a healthy way.
- Post starter
- #22
Yes, that's key. I was afraid to be too attached. I think about her a lot, am so happy and relieved to hear from her when I reach out to her, and get hurt feelings when I don't. It's like a platonic infatuation I'd say. It's been a real process for me to trust her, but I do more and more all the time. I confessed to her the other day just how strongly I felt after we worked through a minor mistake on her part.
I told her I was like obsessed with her, and didn't want her to think I was some kind of stalker or something because she meant so much to me and I didn't want her to leave me. She actually laughed spontaneously when I said I was obsessed, she said I was too busy to be obsessed with her, which stopped me in my tracks and made me laugh too as I realized she was right. I am always completely swamped. I told her I'd looked at her Facebook page, a scary admission, but I didn't want to hide anything from her. She just said, well, it is a public page, and asked me what I thought of it, though I was too embarrassed to answer. She said it was ok to be curious about her, to want to understand her, and she figured I just needed to be able to trust her at face value, to be consistent, to be who she says she is, which is all true. I did the same with my husband, vetted him, had to work through trust issues, took some time. I'm glad she handled it well when we talked about it. It helps the feelings lessen a little to be able to trust her so.
stephanie44
Bronze Member
She sounds like a great therapist and a lot like mine! I am glad you were able to have such an honest conversation with her.
DharmaGirl
VIP Member
Mine too! I have attachment issues, and I feel like I am too attached all the time. I don't want to be attached to anyone. We talk about this in therapy a lot. I am getting better at allowing myself to be attached, but I'm afraid of it. I know I have to heal within a real relationship like others have said, but I don't want to. Whenever I feel like I'm getting close to being happily attached, I find reasons to hate him again. Intellectually I know why this happens, but my inner 4 year old convinces me. It is the hardest thing I've ever done besides living through the original traumas. Bleh. I've been fighting with this for 2 years. Thank Goodness I'm winning!
- Status
Similar posts
Donation drives
Trending content
-
-
What Are You Feeling Today? Not Thinking, Rather Feeling! Can You Identify Yours?
- goingonhope
Comments: 34K -
-
-
-
Latest posts
-
-
-
What Are You Feeling Today? Not Thinking, Rather Feeling! Can You Identify Yours?
- Latest: Seraphine fatal
-
