General Emotionally Drained

[living4jesus]

I feel like I am going to have a nervous breakdown, I feel so hopeless.

My fiancee's Combat PTSD seems to be getting worse and worse lately. I am used to an emotional rollercoaster but this week has been more of a downward spiral then a rollercoaster. My fiancee is usually very loving and romantic but lately he is just pushing me away and he is very cold and just isn't the man he once was. I love him and support him, I even feel guilty posting this. I feel like I should just keep it all inside and not let anyone know I am hurting or how this is affecting me. But I can't do that! I have tried and tried and I can't . I had a breakdown yesterday and just cried my eyes out for hours. I just want things back to normal before he started facing his Combat PTSD. But I know that may never happen and I know that he needs to face his PTSD to find ways to cope with it. But what if he doesn't find ways to cope with it? What if it just gets worse.

I have been so depressed this week and I have nobody to vent to because nobody understands. I cannot vent to him because it just makes me feel guilty and it makes him feel bad and then his PTSD seems to get affected by it. So here I am, venting on here. I don't know what to do anymore. I pray for him, I listen to him, I encourage him, I love him. But who supports me, who is there for me when the things he says hurts me and he doesn't remember saying them the next day, or he doesn't want to talk about it so he apologizes sincerly and then drops it, but I am left broken.

Don't get me wrong, on his good days he is so loving, and every day he tells me he loves me several times a day and that he is so thankful for me in his life, and he is very good to me overall. But he goes into these infantry modes where he just could care less about me and he talks so mean and seems so cold.

I just need to be able vent about how his PTSD is making me feel.I need to get it off my chest.I feel like I am going to have a nervous breakdown I am so emotionally stressed and drained.I have made the effort the past month to be more independant. I have taken time for myself, and done things I never would have thought of doing, like going to breakfast alone, going for coffee alone. I have started going tanning to boost my self esteem and I am going to start taking Zumba classes by myself too. I am trying to become more independant because I tend to be relationship codependant. So this is good for me. But my problem is, that I don't want to do all of this alone. I don't want to have to learn to deal with him being emotionally numb sometimes and saying mean things. I don't want to have to do all of this. I just want peace and love. I know that sounds stupid. But thats all I need right now. Lord help me thru this, because I cannot take much more.

 

[Navy Spouse]

l4j, It's hard when there is noone to vent to. I completely understand.

My husband came home from deployment 4 months ago and we have been living separate almost 3 months now. It still makes me cry. We see him 1-3 times a week depending on his schedule and we have quality family time but it's not right that we don't see him daily. I miss waking up together and it makes me angry that I have no time with him in the evenings.

My mom said the last time I talked to her, "Well, I think I would just tell him he needs to come home." Hmmmm Why didn't I think of that?

I've noticed change for the better but he says hes still not ready to come home. It hurts, it seems like it was much easier to walk away then it is to return

I understand what you mean when you ask "Who supports me?" There really is no support, other than this sight. He has all his military buddies that understand where he's coming from and therapy sessions 2 days a week. I keep busy but there's something missing. It's harder to deal with the lack of companionship when he's near by then it was when he was deployed. I just pray for "normal" to return soon. Before I'm to angry, bitter and resentful.

 

[living4jesus]

l4j, I just pray for "normal" to return soon. Before I'm to angry, bitter and resentful.

I pray for normal to return before I become to resentful and bitter as well. I was starting to get bitter and angry. So recently I have been trying to do things to make myself feel better. Things I like to do. But it just sucks! You know what I mean? I don't want to have to do things on my own, I don't want to have to go two weeks or one week without seeing him because I know if I go to see him either I will be in fear of him(he has never hurt me) or my heart will break because he will be so cold hearted or emotionally upset or even verbally mean. Ugh I feel like I cannot win no matter what I do ya know?:(

Yeah it's not fair that they have there military buddies and we have nobody except people that don't understand. I am so thankful I have this site to go on. It has been a blessing so far! Thank you for responding Navy Spouse;)

Yeah my family and friends say things to me like , well how long are you going to wait around for him? Why are you still calling him your fiancee? or "I don't want to see you waiting around for him for your whole life. " I just want to scream at them, do you think I want to wait around for him my whole life? Did I choose this to happen? No, I didn't have a clue when we got together that his PTSD was going to get this bad. I had no idea when he purposed in December 2009 that his PTSD was going to get to this point. He was a Ranger in the Gulf War, but that was like 20 years ago! I knew nothing about soldiers and PTSD when I met him 4 years ago. Now I love him with all my heart and he is a great father to my kids(my kids sperm donor from a past marriage I had that was just terrible and abusive doesn't come to see them at all which is a good thing). Sometimes it does seem like it would be easier to just end it and walk away. Lord knows I cannot marry him until his PTSD gets better. And I cannot get a house with him and combine our two families(his kids and mine) until his PTSD is under better control either. It breaks my heart. And I just want to throw in the towel sometimes and say I am done! But I can't do that, because I love him and I hurt for him. Ugh, almost years later after the gulf war and he is just now for the past three years dealing with his Post traumatic stress. But why did it have to be when he met me that his PTSD reared its ugly head. Why couldn't this have happened before I met him, or ten more years from now when our kids are grown? Sorry venting again LOL.

 

[Navy Spouse]

l4j, Don't apoligize for venting. It would be hard to meet someone who's not only good to you but to your kids and then have it all fall apart.

We all need to vent but I feel bad when I do. Every time I hear about another soilder whos life has been lost I think of the pain his/her family must be going through and mine can't compare. I just find it really sad that the ones that do survive cannot return to the life they had before combat and behind every soilder is a family and we all pay the price of war.

The VA needs to start group therapy for significant others and spouses of soilders returning home with PTSD. My husband goes to group therapy once a week with other military men who have recently returned from Iraq and Afganistan. A group for the women in lives will be so helpful.

 

[living4jesus]

l4j, The VA needs to start group therapy for significant others and spouses of soilders returning home with PTSD. My husband goes to group therapy once a week with other military men who have recently returned from Iraq and Afganistan. A group for the women in lives will be so helpful.

I agree! I would love it if they had a group therapy for the women in the lives of these soilders! My fiancee tried group therapy but he has trust issues and felt very uncomfortable there. So he is in an online group therapy on this site combat ptsd forum and he is liking that, I hope that helps him somewhat.

I know, my heart breaks for those families that lost soilders as well. I cannot imagine the pain they feel. :(

 

[Tabitha]

I'm not sure how I missed this post but I did. It was like reading my own thoughts!!

I know how you feel about wanting to keep it all in because you feel guilty. I'd love to be able to talk to family and friends about all that goes on, but I know they won't completely understand...even I don't completely understand it most times!

The flip-flopping, going from so loving and kind to so distant and cold amazes me. It's the most frustrating part for me because I never know what to expect.

I completely understand how you feel about not wanting to do things alone. Sure it's healthy to be independent sometimes but the reason for a relationship is to be with someone to share things and events and experiences with.

I too worry often about becoming resentful and bitter. I noticed a few weeks ago when she hurt her back I turned quite cold towards her thinking "HA, at least now you can't be mean to me cause you need help going to the bathroom cause you can barely walk!" I felt really terrible for that.

 

[living4jesus]

Exactly Tabitha!

I absolutley hate not knowing what to expect it is the most frustrating part for me too! It makes me want to pull my hair out!, And yes I do want to be in a relationship with someone that wants to do things with me. It is really frustrating because I know what we used to have. Before his PTSD got really bad, things were wonderful. That makes it really hard for me because we were 2 peas in a pod, and now I don't even know what we are. I am so frazzled and confused and I am trying my darndest to not walk on eggshells but it is so hard because it's my nature to walk on eggshells because I hate conflict. But I can see where it is so easy to become bitter I just am afraid that eventually I will.

 

[living4jesus]

Also I must say It is so refreshing to know that I am not the only one who goes thru this, that there are others out there that feel exactly how I feel. It makes it a little easier to know I am not alone.

 

[Lemmingnot]

Thank you all for venting. Knowing that I am not alone is probably the best help I could wish for.
Things have been really going great lately for my husband. And we have gotten even closer discussing his ptsd and how we can both work to make his next episodes less severe for both of us.

Then it hit me. We are proactively planning to fight upcoming episodes. This will not end. We will always have to deal with ptsd. I anticipate being held responsible for things that happened years ago before we even met. I anticipate crying out of frustration, I anticipate him yelling. I anticipate days of being in the same house and not talking.I know I will get depressed myself, and tell myself that I can't do this anymore.

This is not a life for the weak, on either side of the relationship. But I have never met a better man, and I am proud to be his wife. Everybody has their stuff. We just hope our stuff doesn't happen at the same time.

 

[Sunshine71]

I felt I could have written this too. I dont know how much more I can take. When hubby is fine then life is great - but sadly the bad times are getting more frequent again.

I dont want this.

I am jelous of people with boring lives now who have a job they hate and just do normal things like go out for a meal and watch TV.

They dont have to deal with PTSD and the symptoms of it. I know this is silly and a generalization however I have had enough of this in our lives.

Well done Living 4 Jesus and there are sadly many others like us.

With love Sunshine