Thank you for the extremely wise andI know the 4+ years feels very long and arduous or destabilizing @the10thleper319 but it won't matter as much later if it results in or produces so much more peace and happiness. The growth is a long process marked by epiphanies, I think.
Merry Christmas and Happy New Year to you!
words!! Some of my epiphanies I achieved are self-compassion, increased resiliency, a maximized spiritual faith, self-forgiving, and being less self-critical/being more self-loving. Merry Christmas and Happy New Year to you too! 
Who I see or talk to or what I choose and what I choose to think and feel by the moment will have to do I guess. Like I'm thinking I better go back to bed I guess lol.Thank you. Thanks for sharing! Sorry about the old washing machine. Congrats on getting a new one and the great attitude of not letting the situation dampen your Christmas spirit! Congrats also on the sisters and coworker situationsThose are good gains @the10thleper319 . I suppose a few of mine are what actually is within my control, which isn't much but still.. : how/ if I choose to trust; accepting what I don't control; ay least being more mindful of perception and response. Like a couple of days before Christmas the washing machine tanked at 11 pm on my day off. So after sleeping on it and after being through the scenario past of replacing one part that turned in to $400 and 3 parts in 2 days, and only lasted 3 months, we opted for new. So Dec 21st there was the last minute shopping trip of a jug of milk and new washer! But instead of feeling set back we said Merry Christmas we have a new washer, and were lucky enough to find one, get it, carry it set it up and it is lovely. We kind of decided to not let it frighten or interfere with our Christmas or in my relative's case to let it interfere with time away. A sister gave me a gift the 1st time in 25~ years, which I won't lie felt circumspect especially at first. . More to reach my other sister I think but still that was a new one. A person who has been awful at work decided on their own to apologize 'for being a b*tch' (unquote) and we hugged .I couldn't do what I wanted for Christmas but that went better than I thought. Work runs me in to the ground but hey I get paid and they are supposed to leave me alone on days off.
And there were quite a few examples like that. It still doesn't change big things but neither can I. So I'm not sure entirely what I feel but I know it's not up to me to hold everything up. Due to exhaustion and also knowing my self I have to trust (or not). There have been a few surprises. Perhaps I am just another cog in a big wheel. i feel more strongly as to what I want to avoid, but do my best to push forward so as not to avoid more and more. If that makes sense. Interiorly Idk what I feel overall but I try to choose better in the moment. 'Healing' or processing has become a given-up on dream but it is what it is in the big scheme of things and I am just one person amidst trillions in time. I suppose it's choosing living vs healing and who knows. Accepting what I don't have the courage or energy to try to pursue but being accepting that's the way it goes I guess. This starfish will have to wait for a wave to end up back in a sea or not, as i crawl pretty slowly haha.
Hugs!
! Keep doing your best pushing forward. DON'T GIVE UP HEALING/PROCESSING, PLEASE! I too am one person amongst trillions. HEAL TO LIVE, LIVE TO HEAL! 
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I say the 5th Day of Christmas =5 golden rings.. through my nose.
Hugs to you xox.HAPPY BIRTHDAY TINYFLAMEI was thinking this morning @the10thleper319 , I suppose a better thought is to focus on the parts that have brought healing, amazing as that is. But more in the current context vs the past? Not sure if that makes sense but I was saying to my sister the other day, I think it's an evil thing that the end of a loved one's life can assume or overwhelm more salient memory than a whole life time- it's like you can have a whole life of memories and that's what comes to mind? (If they could speak they'd maybe say, 'After a whole lifetime of memories- thanks a lot!'
So it's something ~different: the past is interwoven in the present, as it's not past. Nor is it reflective of past or current bad things or predictive of hopelessness. Those past times were very hopeless until they were no longer. Not that they were solved but overcome?
I was also thinking, I've had every type of Christmas: broke and presents 1/2 way to the ceiling; horrific ones; amazing ones; miraculous ones, ones where loved ones got an unexpected terminal diagnosis right before; ones just post natural disasters; ones where loved ones were in essence deployed; I have been totally alone and happy to be, alone and forgotten, and surrounded by many sometimes by choice and sometimes not, etc etc. Depending on the Christmas and the circumstances I have felt (or was faced with) joy, inclusion, love, hatred and rage, fear, shock, betrayal, devastation, awe, gratitude, sorrow, grief, despair, heartbroken-ness, relief and amazement. Even at least once hope. But as a consequence I guess I now can be happy with or without much. That is, I can genuinely enjoy wieners and beans or a TV dinner or Kraft dinner as I can an elaborate Christmas meal. More importantly there is peace or even joy. But it's not just a Christmas thing, it's also a daily thing. Sort of a daily obligation of sorts to choose life vs death, or hope vs despair, or gratitude and mindfulness or perhaps faith (i.e. trust with hope and comfort) vs fear and giving up.
Happy New Year to you also! Would you believe it's my birthday lol.
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@ 5 golden rings through your nose! Thank you for a wise and introspective message. Christmas Day I awoke sad and stayed in bed. Why? I had a wonderful Christmas Eve dinner and time with friends at their place, and the post-victory blues of unworthiness of joy showed up the next day. It sucks that it happened on Christmas Day but it's nothing new. The unworthiness of joy sentiment is a generational curse dating back to my parental grandmother and father. I take the post victory blues in stride. That's something I am working on with my trauma therapist. Hugs back to you!
