In my experience integration is a gradual, almost unnoticeable process rather than being a one off piece of work. So rather than deciding that part is integrated, I work at being more fully present in my life and might notice that I'm not as fragmented as I was before.
In my husband's case, we haven't "aspired" to integration at all, yet .. He knew about his splits/parts before he allowed "them" to speak to/interact with me - when we transitioned from "best friends" to "more than friends" he went out of his way to show me ALL of himself and how he worked, inside, thinking it would actually break us early on. But this was the first time he was ever "out" with someone, so for all intents and purposes, we've only really been figuring things out in terms of his multiplicity for about 3 years.
Now, despite his being split, as it were, he did nevertheless develop some critical "coping skills" throughout his life and adult maturing - even our friendship - which had been growing for about 6+ years before we become "more" - was a CRITICAL piece to this for his healing, because I was an unusual and unlikely stability in his otherwise chaotic and trying world.
It is our firm conviction that those "inside" who WANT to and are READY to will "integrate" on their own to a large extent. Kinda an "inside out" approach, rather than "outside in" .. it seems much more natural to him, to his parts ..
There has been some fear, for example, from one of his child parts (more adolescent, but young nonetheless), that he might eventually "disappear" - but this is because he is largely self-aware (which was a new development when my now-husband came "out" to me about his parts - this part - we call him "Femmy" - had never been ALLOWED to be "out" before, so when he first was able to spend significant interactive time with me in conversation, he was shocked, himself).
But another child part - one we call Little - and my husband's youngest insider, and most resembling "the heart of the man" - seems to have integrated all on his own - like Little became equal parts combined with Middle and Femmy. Each part - Middle and Femmy - seems more "full" to us, more "whole" if you will. There used to be times when Middle - my husband's primary "host" (I hate that term!) - would seem completely empty/hollow. I used the term "shell" .. almost like he was just performing the tasks of the body - even including conversation - but he just wasn't THERE. But since Little integrated (to the best we can tell), I haven't seen Middle as a mere "shell" and it's been several months!
Key thoughts:
- Integration, for us, isn't an absolute goal or necessity. We believe (and are witness to!) that a person CAN be a HEALTHY "multiple" without being in "disorder."
- IF integration is to happen, we are approaching it more from an "insider" perspective/initiative - allowing my husband to heal and adapt on his own, and each part to "integrate" more naturally, at a safe pace, and of THEIR own desire - Honestly! PART of the reason they exist in splits in the first place is "outsiders" FORCING my husband into situations where control was wrested from him! So why (!!) - in our healing process - would we deliberately wrest control AWAY from the very parts we're trying to CARE for and HEAL? In my view, this is another way of re-traumatizing, and/or forcing a part into "hiding" - we've seen too many examples of someone thinking they've "integrated" but in fact, that part just went silent and hid inside, because it wasn't "safe" for them to be out - and that just shuts off a part of the person's spirit/soul/mind. That's not true healing - and I don't want to in any way shut off part of my husband! (Disclaimer: I am NOT a therapist - this is just a philosophy I particularly hold to in my husband's unique situation - I don't mean to make any recommendations, only to add to the thinking process on HOW to best go about pursuing healing.)
- And agree completely with @Suzetig 's experience that this process is more GRADUAL and almost imperceptible. :) (In fact, we aren't really 100% SURE that Little has integrated, we more just "sense" it, and my husband is overall more able to "see through Little's eyes" even as Middle or Femmy.) So, we aren't in a hurry - my husband isn't in "disorder" anymore - he's been healing, getting to know himself, etc. And WE have grown CLOSER, we are learning to communicate and coordinate and cooperate with each part, and my husband knows I LOVE each part of him, and each part is learning to love and trust me in each his own way. :)
I hope this helps to add to the conversation!
~WU
