Enabler Unwilling To Let Go Of Me

[freakofnurture]

It was one of those presents-and-well-wishing days for me recently, and I was stupid enough to ask husband if my birthing unit had had any contact with him on that occasion. I was also stupid enough to ask him what she said.

She said this: "I'll be having a dinner with several courses with my closest friends in her honour."

I don't know how to deal with this information, what to make of it. I don't want this! I don't want her to keep having an imaginary version of me in her life. She doesn't have the right to use me like that; at least that's how I feel. I don't know if she really doesn't. I don't want her to, that's for sure.

She keeps asking husband about me, hinting at 'How long will it take until I have a normal daughter again?'

I feel so violated. I still don't know how to cope with this. I want her to stop!

Can I tell her to stop? What should I do? I hate this shit!

 

[Philippa]

I don't know what to say or how to advise you here. It's a hard one.

You can't control how she is feeling or how she chooses to cope with you being gone from her life. As much as we'd like for them to disappear all together and forget us like we are doing our best to do as well, it doesn't mean they will. I always feel a little resentful that I'm the one who is cast in the role of being the one who has to be understanding of their feelings, when they have no concept of mine or even want to know.

It sounds like your mother, in her denial of how her part to play in the abuse inflicted on you has affected you, is feeling the emptiness of her daughter being gone...and is panic stricken. If it makes you feel violated that is something that warrants action, but just telling her to stop isn't really going to make her stop.

Is there anyway you can write down exactly what you want to say to her and explain exactly why you need her to stop and how it is making you feel to have her chasing after you like this when you've made it clear you don't want her in your life, then maybe send it with no return address? If it will help you to feel less violated and more empowered, I'd say try it. She may not receive it too well, but that's too bad.

Also maybe make it clear that your husband is not the mediator here, and using him to pass back and forth messages to you is not respectful of him.

 

[jmni]

OK I had to laugh when I realized what "birthing unit" meant. At first I thought it was some sterile word for doula. It sounds like she's being a creep and doesn't sound like she wants to stop. The only way I no how to prevent that sort of thing is to end contact with family and other creeps which is what I've done. It seems like you will need to tell your husband to stop communicating with her.

 

[Springer80]

Erm....How long is it until SHE can have a normal daughter again???!!!

She's the one having deluded tea parties with her mates for someone who can't abide her behavior.
That is f***ed up.

 

[Springer80]

Just to put some amusement into the situation I kinda get a Mad Hatters Tea Party meets Roald Dahls The Witches with a pinch of Stepford Wives. Gawd help ya!

Id focus your attention on your husband, even if you have to bring on the waterworks (which I'm sure wouldn't be too much of a stretch for the situation after all this time).

Pity there isn't any inflating blueberry chewing gum around but I wouldn't want my mischievous thoughts to lead you astray....Good luck and try not to hit the bottle..XX:hug:

 

[freakofnurture]

Is there anyway you can write down exactly what you want to say to her and explain exactly why you need her to stop and how it is making you feel to have her chasing after you like this when you've made it clear you don't want her in your life, then maybe send it with no return address? If it will help you to feel less violated and more empowered, I'd say try it. She may not receive it too well, but that's too bad.

I thought about something like that and also talked to my husband about it, but his opinion is that it would be unnecessarily cruel.

I don't see it as cruel since it's just the reality of what they've done to me, but I'm also pretty certain that they'd agree with my husband. I wrote a letter to my f*ther some years ago, and he didn't take it seriously; he told me I surely didn't mean it and just wanted to hurt him out of revenge, but he wouldn't hold that against me. And in my last talk with my m*ther I told her some pretty tough stuff too, which didn't seem to even register with her.

I think my m*ther would just use a letter like that to ramp up her 'poor poor me' performance and wonder why I am so mean to her. That thought makes me feel nauseaus.

Maybe I should do one of those 'write a letter then never send it' things or draw a picture of all this shit and then burn it.

Also maybe make it clear that your husband is not the mediator here, and using him to pass back and forth messages to you is not respectful of him.

Luckily my husband doesn't allow her to put him in such a position. He wouldn't have told me about their communication hadn't I asked him about it. *head->wall* You know these stupid urges to know what them abusers are up to these days, while at the same time knowing that you'll regret having asked.

Husband doesn't like the position he's in but he thinks it's the right thing to do, serve as a way for them to still feel connected, and diplomatically answer my m*ther's occasional questions à la 'When will she be back with us?'. In a way I wish he'd tell her that I still have nightmares about being stuck in my 'home' town and how I revert to feeling like a small child whenever my p*rents invade my life. I also don't think they have a right to feel connected to me, I mean, I cut contact to be disconnected from them, and not to become some brain puppet they can play with until I'm 'ready to come back'.

These people make me furious!!!

It seems like you will need to tell your husband to stop communicating with her.

He's not willing to do that, sadly. And I don't really understand why. He can see what these people have done to me, but he still cares about how they feel. I guess he'd see it as punishing them if he were to stop reacting to their texts and emails.

Erm....How long is it until SHE can have a normal daughter again???!!!

Yeah, she's just not getting it.

 

[jmni]

He's not willing to do that, sadly. And I don't really understand why. He can see what these people have done to me, but he still cares about how they feel. I guess he'd see it as punishing them if he were to stop reacting to their texts and emails.

but is seems like she gossips about you behind your back so it would be fair for you to tell him not to share any information about you. At any rate he could at least limit communication with her to emails and stop texting.

 

[Philippa]

I thought about something like that and also talked to my husband about it, but his opinion is that it would be unnecessarily cruel.

I guess it can also have the effect of pushing her even further into denial. I know that any attempt I made to make them understand did exactly this and made me look even more like the insane one.

I don't see it as cruel since it's just the reality of what they've done to me, but I'm also pretty certain that they'd agree with my husband. I wrote a letter to my f*ther some years ago, and he didn't take it seriously; he told me I surely didn't mean it and just wanted to hurt him out of revenge, but he wouldn't hold that against me. And in my last talk with my m*ther I told her some pretty tough stuff too, which didn't seem to even register with her.

They are in denial, there is no getting through to them.

Maybe I should do one of those 'write a letter then never send it' things or draw a picture of all this shit and then burn it.Luckily my husband doesn't allow her to put him in such a position. He wouldn't have told me about their communication hadn't I asked him about it. *head->wall* You know these stupid urges to know what them abusers are up to these days, while at the same time knowing that you'll regret having asked.

I thought about suggesting this at first. It can be tremendously helpful...and more productive than banging your head against a brick wall.

Husband doesn't like the position he's in but he thinks it's the right thing to do, serve as a way for them to still feel connected, and diplomatically answer my m*ther's occasional questions à la 'When will she be back with us?'.

That is his choice then.

In a way I wish he'd tell her that I still have nightmares about being stuck in my 'home' town and how I revert to feeling like a small child whenever my p*rents invade my life. I also don't think they have a right to feel connected to me, I mean, I cut contact to be disconnected from them, and not to become some brain puppet they can play with until I'm 'ready to come back'.

It would only make her wonder why you feel that way. She doesn't know what she has done. It's not about whether they feel they have a right to be connected with you...they are your birth givers, so they automatically ARE connected to you, no matter how far away you push them. They still have a right to feel what they feel, even if you don't like it.

These people make me furious!!!

Are you sure it isn't you making yourself furious because they aren't doing what you want them to do? I'm challenging your thinking here because I know that it can be infuriating to deal with parents, even when they aren't abusive, but I also know that we are responsable for our own emotional reality, and no one can make us feel anything. They don't have that kind of power.

He's not willing to do that, sadly. And I don't really understand why. He can see what these people have done to me, but he still cares about how they feel. I guess he'd see it as punishing them if he were to stop reacting to their texts and emails.

Because he can see from both sides of the fence. You are only seeing from your side. People who are abusive aren't just 'monsters' they are still humans as well, (well, many of them) and mostly they don't know what they've done or how their behavior has affected us, because they are acting from unconscious patterns their parents inflicted on them. So they are literally in the dark as to why you are rejecting them. That would be a hard and scary place for any parent to be in...feeling their child doesn't want them in their life but not really knowing what they've done to deserve that...or having dismissed your reasons so they don't have to look too hard at why.

They still do have feelings, and it is obviously affecting them as well...or she wouldn't be trying to get back into contact with you. It sounds like your husband is just empathic to both sides.

I am tortured by this knowledge. It is what makes it so hard for me at times. They don't know what they've done, so it seems like I am punishing them for no reason...when I'm really just taking care of myself. It feels cruel to be causing them so much pain and distress. I sometimes question whether I am doing it just to punish them. When I empathized with them in my twenties I seemed to heal much more than holding onto hatred.

 

[Philippa]

but is seems like she gossips about you behind your back so it would be fair for you to tell him not to share any information about you. At any rate he could at least limit communication with her to emails and stop texting.

I don't think we can speculate as to whether gossiping has taken place based on what freakonurture states. It just seems more like she is trying to get information from her son in law as to when her daughter is coming home. Any parent in her position would probably want to know the same thing.

That's not the same as gossiping though. I think it is more co-dependent communication, trying to place her husband in the role of mediator and not giving him a choice in the matter...which isn't fair or respectful...or healthy communication, but since she has no other option because her daughter won't communicate with her, she feels the need to go this route.

 

[Deleted member 1860]

Reading this thread makes me wonder if this is what I have to look forward to. I just recently decided to remove my mother from my life. And yes, your mother sounds much like my mother in many ways.

People like our mothers do what they do in order to get a rise out of us. If we react, they know they still have control. The best thing you can do us not react at all, even if you're seething inside. If you need to get it out, vent to us anonymously online or write it down and throw it away. Anything but react directly to them.

Your husband has made his decision. Don't ask him about your mother again, and if he volunteers info, cut him off politely and tell him you have no desire to hear about your mother now, or ever. Be firm and stick to your guns.

Yes, the "woe is me" thing that our birthing-units have exhibited is so tiring. Stand firm in that you know the truth. I know it's hard when they're so good at garnering sympathy, but we know the truth, and I rather be true to myself any day over living in their little fantasy world.

I have a feeling that your mother may be trying to manipulate your husband in order to get at you. Your husband stops the communication with him, which is good, but at the same time, him allowing her to contact him gives your mom hope...it fuels her desire to continue at it so to speak. Long/short, he doesn't see it but he's enabling her behavior. Yes, with *normalish* people this would sound whacky, but we're dealing with abusive boundary-less controlling individuals. My mom does the same thing, but since I'm not married, it's through other various family members.

 

[Nicolette]

I was stupid enough to ask husband if my birthing unit had had any contact with him on that occasion. I was also stupid enough to ask him what she said.

Sorry to sound cruel but you still buy into it, while saying you don't want to know, by asking in the first instance. If this person is 'nothing' to you then don't give away your power by even worrying about what they are doing. Seriously, its like you don't want to let go as you keep inviting it into your life. If this person is someone you detest then have your husband respect that and he should not get involved. Surely your husband knows how you feel so why would he put anything upon you that would cause you additional hurt?

The whole situation and thinking sounds truly unhealthy. I have nothing to do with my mother - I don't ask anyone about her, I don't check up via anyone else and I don't even worry about it anymore. That is what you need to be working towards if you want separation.

You are currently all enabling and feeding off each other in a perpetuating cycle - with your husband being smack bang in the middle of it. Sorry, but that is how I see it.

 

[WillThereBeCake]

People like our mothers do what they do in order to get a rise out of us. If we react, they know they still have control. The best thing you can do us not react at all, even if you're seething inside. If you need to get it out, vent to us anonymously online or write it down and throw it away. Anything but react directly to them.

This is exactly the case. This isn't about you, or your husband, it is all about her.

If this person is someone you detest then have your husband respect that and he should not get involved. Surely your husband knows how you feel so why would he put anything upon you that would cause you additional hurt?

I am very disappointed in your husband's response. "Hurt their feelings"? No, it is your feelings that are being hurt and he is playing right into her game. It is wrong of him to have anything to do with her knowing that it causes you stress and anxiety, period.

I have watched this movie play out in my own life for over a decade. My husband refused to get in the middle, but at first had the "don't be cruel" attitude as well. He then saw the lengths that people like our mothers will go to in order to bait us. They don't care what kind of attention we give them, as long as they get a rise out of us. He has now realized just how dangerous she, and people like her are, and refuses to have anything to do with them either. Just wait until she turns on him, which she will since he reacts. Then he'll learn.

The whole situation and thinking sounds truly unhealthy. I have nothing to do with my mother - I don't ask anyone about her, I don't check up via anyone else and I don't even worry about it anymore. That is what you need to be working towards if you want separation.

Nicolette nailed it. Cut all those ties and explain to your husband that he can't be one of them.