Enaila's Diary

[chant2012]

Okay, so I WAS going to diary chronologically, but realized that would limit me too much...and give me a...

You're brave for sharing.

 

[Deleted member 12723]

It is a pleasure to meet you in your Trauma Diary. I am here to listen and to support. You are a good writer and I am so sorry about what happened to you. You sound like a very good person.

 

[Enaila]

It is a pleasure to meet you in your Trauma Diary. I am here to listen and to support. You are a good w...

Thank you Gizmo. It is nice knowing there are people out there who understand.

 

[Enaila]

I read a forum today about medications. I was on paxil from when I was 25-35 or thereabouts for "situational depression." Situational depression usually involves a single situation unless a person has one situation after another. I was changed to another medicine from about she 36-42 when I happened to not be able to get into my doctor for a month and then was out of town without medications. I went off the pill cold turkey. my brain zapped me for about two weeks, but then after the withdrawal was over, I felt like a veil was lifted. I felt I could see and understand things better. I managed to get into the doctor once I was back in town and she said since I was off the medication and feeling more alive, perhaps it wasn't needed.

The clear feeling allowed me to remember many years I had no recall about. I had more energy and lost 20 pounds, but then after about a month of being off the medicine, I became obsessed with what I ate, preferring not too eat. I also started taking more careless risks like walking outside no matter time of day with no regard to safety. My friend became concerned and made me research a nutritionist to see as well as a counselor. I had to call and make appointments before they would leave me alone.

The clear mind allowed the flashbacks to begin....or that is when the first started anyway. With the flashbacks beginning, the nightmares started, and then some phobias. I feel back into thinking of ways to get it all to stop and became more depressed. Meeting with a therapist helped me understand what was happening, but at some point the decision was made for me to return to Zoloft. I've come long way since the first meeting with the therapists. I want to lose weight and have the energy and interest I did for activities, but I don't see it being possible while medicated. I don't know what would be better. Am I aware enough of all the trauma and have enough strategies to not be medicated? Am I needing to just accept medication is for life? Or do I find it a try to go off medication using doctor recommendations this time?

I don't want to be my father who decided he was stronger than medications and didn't need them so didn't take them and became more abusive and bizarre.

 

[Enaila]

I have been having to remind myself my son is not his father. Why? My son is now the age my ex husband was when he started getting more and more abusive. My son it's in the process of finding his first career job after graduating college, something his father never did; however, my son is getting frustrated, depressed about not finding a job in his chosen field yet, and beginning to get irritable. He is living at home until he finds a job. He used to be motivated to go look, but isn't as helpful to himself or around the house anymore. All these patterns are reminding me of his father and the traumas which followed after months at being unsuccessful at getting a job.

I can't do it for him. He needs to learn these skills and how to handle the frustration as an adult. I have been encouraging and helpful, but he needs to be the one to get himself a job and move on being an adult.

 

[Enaila]

The edginess which comes before new memories return has been almost overwhelming last few days. I did start to remember some fun happier childhood memories, but with them came memories of so many people who have passed. I caught myself today thinking I should write a letter to one of my grandma's, then the memory she died many months ago came back.

So many people in such a short time...some needless deaths, some from illness, some from old age...people I trusted and loved. Men who were like a father to me.....a father-in-law, foster father in law, and an uncle.

I looked at a wedding picture the other day with four sets of grandparents and my husband at the time and I realized I am the only surviving person in the photo.

The list is long. I know I need to focus on the living.

 

[Enaila]

I met with with a fairly new friend today just to talk. Usually we are busy working out in class and get nasty looks from the older ladies in the class if we even say hi to each other. That doesn't stop us, but we finally decided we should meet outside of class and learn more about each other.

My friend sat with her back against the wall so she could see me when I came in. Thing is, that meant when I say down my back was to the door. My friend asked if everything was okay and I said I get a bit anxious with my back to the door, but I heard my T's voice saying it would be good time to work on desensitization as we were only ones in the place at the time. My friend asked if I was afraid and I said yes, I had been attacked from behind and it causes me anxiety.

As soon as I said this much to her, I felt the flashback starting. I was able to talk through most of the experience, which is improvement. I'm now feeling anger toward the jerk who had tried to mess with me.

Flashback: The saxophone section rehearsal had gone well and I had been able to leave as the alto saxophone players were still struggling and I played tenor. I leave the room tired and ready to get back to my dorm room. It has been a long day and is late. I start walking to my music locker to put my saxophone away. I guess the other tenor player has decided to stay with the group. I hear steps behind me in the hall as I place my saxophone in my locker. I start to turn around to see if it is my friend when I am shoved against the locker. My hands get pinned against the locker and I feel his hard on jamming into me. (I don't remember saying anything to the guy.) I recognize him as a new student to the matching band class. He starts to push himself back and forth against me when a door opens and voices are heard coming out of the rehearsal room. He looks at me and takes off.

The other saxophone players come around the corner and ask if I am okay. I have tears in my eyes. The only other female saxophone player asks me what happened and I just told her the guy had trapped me against the locker and I just wanted to go home.

I don't remember much more from that night, but do know I was afraid to go home as my fiance would probably grab a gun and go kill the guy. I went to a close friend instead. She sat by me as I cried.

When I showed up for our performance the next day, I was afraid. He would be there. I was pleasantly surprised when he wasn't. The rest of the guys in the saxophone section had told him he best not show his face again or they would rearrange it. The section leader had also notified the conductor/professor. I never did see the guy again. I also learned not to go anywhere, especially at night alone on campus.

Now, I only walk alone at night when feeling like my life doesn't matter.

 

[Deleted member 12723]

Now, I only walk alone at night when feeling like my life doesn't matter.

I am sorry that you put yourself at risk when you are down and not caring about your safety at night.

If that had happened to me, I would be so terrified to go out walking alone. That was in my opinion a very traumatic experience which had a very good ending where you received some justice and vindication and validation and that you had people that cared about you as well.

I hope that when you do walk alone, you carry pepper spray.

 

[Enaila]

Only a couple more days until yet another surgery. I did find the courage to share some of my fears with the ptsd community as well as two trusted friend at church. While sharing and praying with one of them, tears started streaming down my cheeks. I have never had that happen nor have I ever allowed anyone to see me cry with exception of a few tears my T has elicited from me. I didn't try to stop the tears. Afterwards, I felt so much lighter and calmer.

 

[Deleted member 12723]

I wish for you a calm heart and peace of mind as you have this surgery and I am sending positive vibes your way and want everything to go very well for you.

 

[Enaila]

Considering myself a blessed person tonight. My workout buddy called and encouraged me to not get discouraged then offered alternative workouts for us to do while I am recovering. I have church friends praying and offering support, I have my best friend, chosen sister, as well as my cousin keeping track of my moods and offering support. I have new friends online offering encouragement. I am not alone.

 

[Enaila]

I am remembering a time when I was having an allergic reaction to an antibiotic I was on. I was at home with my husband when it started. I was struggling to breathe and so afraid I was going to die. I collapsed onto the floor and curled up as I was also starting to get severe stomach cramping. My husband looked at me, said, "I don't have time for this," then left me alone trying to breathe while he left to go drink with his friends.

I just had this memory come to me. I'm thinking it may very well tie into my fear of surgeries and my fear of medications.