Enaila's Diary

[Enaila]

He comes home grouchy and impatient complaining about the job not paying enough to cover even gas. He complains about how people are terrible drivers. He says all this in the same voice and manner as his father...one of my abusers. I know in my rational mind he isn't his father...he wasn't around his father much growing up, and he would never hit or hurt me like his father, but his mannerisms and voice are a trigger. The 23 year old I was when the abuse started stiffens up...same age my son is now. I know times are hard and it is difficult to find a decent job and near impossible to find one with health insurance thanks to Obamacare. I understand how difficult it is to make ends meet. I just don't know what to do with the irrational fear at times and I just want the flashbacks to stop. I raised this man to be gentle and kind, which he is. He is NOT his father.

 

[Enaila]

She calls up as I'm on the way to the post office to mail off a cross to my brother and sister-in-law. "Sooo did you get your brother a present this year? He sends YOU one every year, you really should at least make some effort to at least acknowledge that." First of all, "It is not your business and if he is only sending me a gift expecting something back, when he knew in the past I couldn't afford it, then shame on him."

"Well I know what he might want if you need some suggestions.You should at least send him a card."

"I don't need your help mom." I waste my breath as she proceeds to tell me what I should get him and my sister-in-law while saying it is the thought that counts."Just like the thought he had of coming to the city for my son's graduation only to decide they needed to be home in time to do their laundry before work on Monday, and left hour before we were to head to his high school graduation? AS we both know his thoughtfulness of my son really hurt my son's feelings. (He grandfather had pulled the same stunt..asshole he is.) What message did that thought send?"

She starts to again make excuses for him....just like she used to for my abusive father. I don't tell her how many times my brother used to try to beat me up or how he makes crude rude comments about those with special needs. Nor do I mention I was on the way to the post office to send him a cross made in the Holy Land, which perhaps will remind him in some way to be more tolerant of others.

Have I forgiven him? Yes. Forgotten? No and I'm not to a point in my healing to be able to talk with him nor do I care to AND that's okay.

 

[8888]

Hugs. You're right, it is okay to be at the point in your healing.

 

[Enaila]

It has been a tough couple of weeks, especially at work. The nepotism is now affecting my job to the point I can no longer ignore it. I was called to the administrator's office to discuss my intent for employment next year. The boss says he heard I was unhappy and told me it is best if I leave the school if I am unhappy. WHO told him I was unhappy? Dear old colleague who has plagued me for past seven years and wants my position with the junior high school...also best friend of administration...surprise surprise. I decided since he brought the issue up, I would let him know just what I was thinking. I mentioned him giving all my positions to his friend over the past few years including the spot on school improvement. I mentioned the fact he told me there wasn't even an opening to attend the conference for him (conference he said I could attend and would be paid for), but then he invited his wife and best friend to go to the conference. I mentioned him replacing me with his wife and best friend for summer school teaching. He was speechless by the time I was done. I felt better having it in the open and I guess maybe I was indeed unhappy, but know what? I plan on going on to better and bigger things. I don't deserve to be treated as second class and not appreciated. I am a good teacher and can move to where I am valued.

 

[Enaila]

Trying to date again has been hard even using an online dating site. The first guy led me on for three weeks before asking for money. I had started to suspect he was cat phishing, but still held onto hope he was real. I'm glad I went with my instincts and called him on his attempts to manipulate me as he was indeed a cat phisher. The second guy happened to be a local guy. He was so sweet and kind for a few weeks and then on our third date told me I wasn't intimate enough and he wasn't sure I'd ever be. He said this after I told him I wasn't interested in sex as I didn't know him well enough and we were on third date. He, himself, said we weren't in a relationship and I told him sex was something I felt was meant for relationships. Whatever....he had lied on his profile post stating he believed sex was meant for those interested in becoming married and in a relationship. I am starting to wonder about my luck in meeting people. I do miss snuggling with him and our intellectual conversations, but know things probably wouldn't have worked out all that well....he is a professional poker player and not interested in a regular job. He also was only interested in getting me in bed. What I did learn about myself is that I am able to set boundaries, respect myself, and can feel beautiful inside and out. I am worth being loved and am able to love others. I am also okay with intimacy, which I did wonder myself if would happen when I started dating again. Too bad his definition of intimacy went directly to sex.

 

[Enaila]

It was a nice six months or so of learning what happiness can feel like, but now the pain of rejection and abandonment hurts so much more with it happening again. I wonder to myself why I allow myself to trust, be vulnerable, and care so much about others....why can I not form healthy happy long term relationships?

I recognize the fact that when my world comes crashing down I'm like a frustrated toddler whose block tower falls over....I just want to knock any remaining blocks away. I start to push others out of my life when dealing with a relationship crisis. Thankfully my cousin remains a strong supporter and reminds me not to generalize....just because one relationship is not going well, doesn't mean I should expect all of them to do so.

I have felt very unworthy, unloved, and unwanted the past few weeks. It started with the unexpected loss of a friendship...a close friendship. She told me we would always discuss any problems and she would be there for me no matter what .She lied . She had promised and she lied . I don't know how or if I will be willing to trust anyone again. Too many times I have been rejected and if it is a problem of mine then just as well I don't put anyone through having to deal with me.

 

[Enaila]

We've been seeing each other exclusively for nine months now and his interactions with me have started to change. He doesn't have time to even go get a meal with me once a week. Not even an hour to spare for the past month .I'm feeling rejected and used . We agreed on open honesty with each other, but he doesn't even have time between his poker tournaments to give me a call to talk . He used to have fun flirting and teasing me...now when I ask if I can meet him somewhere as haven't seen him for three weeks he says I'm expecting too much. We agreed to see each other exclusively. I don't know how to communicate with someone who won't make time to communicate.

My cousin tells me not to try to tackle any relationship issues while I'm still in crisis with my best friend rejecting me .I know she is right. I feel so alone and the flashbacks from other dysfunctional relationships are becoming overwhelming as are the nightmares .Ive made a T appointment for next week...hopefully I can hold it together until then.

I wasn't kidding my mom when I told her I am physically and emotionally exhausted....some days I wish I could just rest forever. I'm tired. My love of Christ and belief that one day I may get to be loved fully and unconditionally keeps me moving forward.

 

[Enaila]

History seems to have a way of repeating itself. I saw the same look of defeat in my son's eyes as he is finally realizing he may go to jail for getting a DUI. I feel like a failure as a mom. I warned him alcohol may be addicting for him as his father was an alcoholic. We didn't have liquor in the home, but he became an adult and moved to his own place.

The look in his eyes and sagging of his shoulders triggered me into a flashback. I hadn't slept for days. Was the judge going to release my husband from jail and let him return home where he would be so angry and more than likely blame me for his stupidity. I shared my concerns with the women's coalition and they decided I needed to talk to the judge and request a protection act. I sat in the last row of the court room with a lady, a stranger to me in all but her name, holding my trembling hand. My husband was led into the courtroom through a side door shuffling and with hands cuffed. He looked unkempt, tired, and extremely depressed. I knew what I was going to do would add insult to injury. I felt pity for him and depressed myself. How did we get to this point? My husband stood there as the judge read what he was being convicted of, which was a felony. The judge then sentenced him to probation and asked if there were any other matters.

The advocate with me told me to stand up. I saw my husband eyes glance to mine and I quickly looked away toward the judge. The judge was impatient and I felt small as I walked up to the podium to address him. While he granted my petition for protection, he then told me since I didn't wish to have my husband at home and I was responsible for causing him to now be homeless, that I was responsible for paying a deposit on an apartment as well as first month's rent.

How was that even fair? He had stolen from a church which is why he had the felony...he had stolen all my jewelry and instruments...he had written fraudulent checks signing my signature and emptying the bank account and I was being punished?!!

Of course I didn't argue with the judge. I was already scared and angry. The safety of my children was priceless. I would do what was necessary to protect them .

I told my son I can not yet go in a court room...my phobia has returned. Ironically, I received a jury duty summons day after telling him that. My T says I WILL NOT be going in a courtroom for awhile as the incident with my son has triggered some intense emotions, fears, and new memories. She wrote a letter and I am temporarily excused from jury duty. By Wednesday morning I will know the fate of my adult child I worked so hard to protect from his father.