Encouraging Anger.

[sun seeker]

:roflmao: Sorry @7Cs, I'm not laughing at you. It's just that I read your post about the first thing you are angry about, and was about to post saying "amen to that!" and then looked at @saraemerald's post right below yours.

You could start a petition. I'll bet you'd get a lot of signatures agreeing with that sentiment.

 

[F_uckYourselves]

Unless she's advocating that you seek revenge against those ten people, I don't see any harm in it. :joyful:

Especially if you grew up in an environment where it wasn't safe to express anger, an activity like this one that involves laying blame where it belongs can feel incredibly freeing and empowering. It can be really instructive to learn that you're allowed to be pissed off at people, and that disaster won't automatically follow if you take ownership of your anger instead of stuffing it down.

 

[AngelKeeperJ]

"1. Denial and isolation; 2. Anger; 3. Bargaining; 4. Depression; 5. Acceptance. People who are grieving do not necessarily go through the stages in the same order or experience all of them."

Anger is one the "natural" emotions, and can be an "umbrella" term for disappointment, frustration, irritation, or feeling helpless. I was "taught" by example that anger was wrong. I have been encouraged to let myself feel anger, but not to judge it as right or wrong...it just "IS". Pushing it down, or away, only prolongs the feeling...in my experience anyway.

We have a right to be angry in many situations, and for me, anger, not expressed leads to depression. Self-anger, has been the most difficult to "get over." I am FINALLY learning to do that, as I accept that there is NO reason for my anger, except that it kept me "stuck" in a place of not being able to move on.

For example, my daughter, who was born with profound Cerebral Palsy, was SO sick, and my grief SO intense, that I felt so angry. I was angry with myself, angry at my husband for not understanding, God, for seemingly punishing me and her, which made NO sense to me. I was severely depressed with postpartum depression, to the point of "seeing" actions that I might take, in my head. I felt only "blackness" in my soul.

I learned that my anger was actually my emotional pain, spilling over as anger at the situation, and my inability to control my feelings. Why would I be angry at her...it wasn't her fault that she couldn't look me in the eye..vomited every feeding, and had seizures?

I was helpless. My (ex) husband was working 3 jobs, going out to party afterwards...he was "working all the time"...what the heck was I DOING? I was chasing my 16 month old all day, while trying to make sure that my daughter nursed throughout the day, hopefully keeping down enough calories, and her eyes rolled all over the place, and I wasn't bonding.

Anger was the only emotion that I recognized, and I was FURIOUS at myself for not just DEALING with the situation. My anger was "displaced" having no understanding of what was happening to me. Through medication, I realized my true feelings, and did NOT hate my daughter, I hated her handicaps, hated the fact that I "lost" a child...the one I expected. And, I hated my husband, which I had a right to! Once I got rid of him, some of my anger dissipated.

This has all been a number of years ago, and I went through all the steps of grief. Not in order, and went back and forth with them for a LONG time. The same thing happened when she died under circumstances that were WAY out of line. Acceptance can take a LONG time, depending on the situation.

Judging anger is not something that is productive. Other people have no business giving advice that it's time to "let go", or to "get over it", I think because they are uncomfortable with our anger. Our own self-talk "tells" us that anyway.

I hope this helps somewhat.
AKJ

 

[saraemerald]

:roflmao: Sorry @7Cs, I'm not laughing at you. It's just that I read your post a...

lol =D

 

[Freedomfighter]

Is it normal for a T to encourage anger... like "mad as hell anger" towards the people who hurt me?

I'm su...

I have not been able to figure that out either but it seems to be a big part of therapy. Have to trust the one who was with me from the very beginning, despite the fact that he had to go against people that attempted to pressure him against helping me. So with that, knowing that someone really cares, that someone has been there from day one I will trust in the decisions that are carried out, but I am not going to lie and say it does not hurt. It hurts like hell, pretty much brain dead now, but I am able to cut through some of the confusion with reasoning skills that I did not have 6 years ago when I was extremely ill.

 

[Seasounds]

I'm happy to hear you've found someone WHow encourages anger. It seems like there are less and less therapists who know how to help people constructively express anger.

The only therapist I had, who was comfortable with encouraging anger, helped change my life. He recognized that I turned anger into grief, because in my childhood it was only safe to cry. And when I first approached anger, I had to approach and move through the memories of my parents being angry with me.

So that I didn't get retraumatized, I made sure to give myself self-care afterwards in the form of things like affirmations, a comforting and nourishing meal, meeting with safe friends, calming music, a bath, etc.

 

[7Cs]

I turned anger into grief

I'm not sure if this is what happened to me but I grieve deeply about the loss of my childhood, parents, friends, safety, etc. I think it may be my core ptsd symptom - even though grieving isn't actually considered a symptom.

Interesting concept that my part of my grief could be an expression of unresolved anger.

 

[Panda Bear]

Anger, yes...hate? No.

He has purposefully angered me to get a response about subjects I should have been angry about.

He has allowed me to be angry on my own, as long as I wasn't mean.

We had to work through it, so that I could stop exploding at random things. And really be angry about what was right, not displaced.

He even allowed me to bolt from his office when angry and slam his door....a few times.

 

[Starsinthesky]

Such an interesting thread. My therapist this week told me I may like to express anger in my emdr sessions. She said she thinks she could see it in me. I explained that I was scared of anger, I do suffer from rage at times and have never known how to express anger, disappointment etc in a healthy way. In my FOO no 'negative' emotions were expressed in a healthy way so there's little wonder why really.

 

[Friday]

I explained that I was scared of anger, I do suffer from rage at times and have never known how to express anger, disappointment etc in a healthy way.

^^^^
This.

This is a huge reason to work through anger (& disappointment & other emotions) in therapy. Not work through like never be angry... But in how to be angry. The literal how. It's not something anyone is born with. It's a learned skill. One that sometimes isn't/wasn't taught, or is taught badly, or was taught in a way that is perfect for scenario A-M but completely unacceptable in scenarios N-Z. Or was something we had down before PTSD, but not after. Or is "fine", but not the way that we want to do it. Or a whole bunch of things, with all extremes working toward the middle. It's a learning experience. Skill building. And like all skills it takes practice to learn, employ, & master.

 

[Abstract]

Learning how feel angry, tell that I am angry and express my anger has been a huge and essential task for me and yes I had a therapist who pushed me really hard to do with this. I am still way too controlled.

I still detest it and emotionally would rather delete anger from human experience but in truth I now know better. Anger is a really important emotion when used correctly. It is there for very good reason. I still usually have to dig down and find anger (other than at myself) but it gets easier (although I find it hard to ever believe I could feel totally ok with it). Developing a different relationship with it has also helped me react differently to others expressions of it.

It sounds like you might have a proper passive then aggressive pattern. And a displacement of anger too. I think when we have been harmed it is normal to feel rage at the perpetrator. Its normal in a sense to displace it too as that is a coping strategy for many. Sometimes instead its aimed at ourselves and sometimes its aimed at those around you. But I have read that "forgiveness" and healing doesn't truly happen until we are first able to feel that rage at the people who harmed us.

Its a bit like a pressure cooker and if it doesn;t come out of the valve in the right place then things are going to blow in one direction or the other. Have you done any work on the role of anger and how it links to boundaries?

If we are subjected to unhealthy expressions of anger and harmed by them then we often end up with our own distorted relationship to it.Especially if growing up with it. Do you try to deny it and then explode when you can't? Some do that, others only express at themselves and still others start using rage habitually to try to make themselves feel more powerful - (that doesn't sound like you). .Anger isn't bad. Its unhealthy displays or acts of anger that is. Feeling and acting on it are two different things and assertiveness is a healthy release and valve on that pressure cooker. And getting the bottomless well of rage of past harm out of the pot is going to make all the rest way easier.

Doing work on anger was a form of processing for me in and of itself and it was very painful. It has also been life changing for me personally. I still can't feel anger at most of those who harmed me though so am with you there.