End of session feels like abandonment

[Jice]

Can anyone else relate to the end of therapy sessions feeling like abandonment? Reopening of wounds just to be sent out the door 45 minutes later. How can this be good for me?

 

[scout86]

Maybe you can find a better way to look at it? After all, it's NOT abandonment, even if the feelings it stirs up remind you of abandonment. Feelings won't hurt you, even if they're unpleasant. I think it's fine to recognize similarities, but that's not necessarily a reason to avoid things.

Also, what are the consequences of "abandonment" now? I'm guessing you're an adult and can take care of yourself? Being "abandoned" as an adult is unpleasant, but it's not the same kind of life and death deal it can be for a kid.

Actually, that might be a good question to discuss with your T too.

 

[EveHarrington]

Ask your therapist to teach you containment skills.

 

[Jice]

She has taught me tons of skills. I will admit I could stand to practice and use them more. The issue was that I was in the middle of an intrusive memory that centered on abandonment which preceded abuse. So she left me in the middle of that and feeling abandoned all over again.

I never told her what the memory was. She said I didn't have to, and I didn't want to at the time I guess.

She provided various approaches on how I could try shifting the memory, but kept skipping around to lots of different ones. I was in the middle of a memory. The tapping and breathing helped get me out of it.

Then she talked about shifting the narrative of the memory. So I started thinking about that in my head. But we never discussed what that might look like or be. I was just starting thinking about it and then she introduced yet another thing.

She then talked about things in the room to ground me to the present and how I could think about rescuing myself from that memory and putting myself in the room. So I started thinking about that in my head. I wanted to do it, but I was worried the time was coming up and I would feel abandoned. So I told her that, and she kind of laughed or scoffed or something at me asking if I always feel abandoned when the time is over. I explained generally I don't feel that way, but that it has to do with this memory.

I felt confused by bouncing around to all the different techniques but without actually having her do them with me other than the tapping and breathing one. I left feeling abandoned when I was in the middle of thinking of rescuing myself and putting myself in the room. She didn't do anything to get me back to a stable place before I left. I don't know if I'm explaining myself well.

 

[EveHarrington]

From what you describe, she hasn't taught you containment skills.

 

[Jice]

can you explain more?

 

[EveHarrington]

Containment is a way of putting things away after digging them up. I do it as a part of visualization. For example you can put it in a secure box that's padlocked and hidden far, far away on another planet. During the visualization you would picture going to the other planet on a space ship, landing on the planet, finding the box, opening it up, putting the memories inside, locking the box with 10 locks, burying it, getting back on the space ship, and flying back to earth. Only you know how to access the box of memories again and they are safely hidden far, far away. They can't hurt you if they are securely locked away. Then during your next session you do the reverse, traveling to the planet to open the box. You can hide the memories anywhere that feels safe to you, anywhere you desire.

I've done these kinds of exercises and they really help.

 

[ladee]

I understand what you are saying. See if I'm getting it... You were sharing about abaondomnet, she started throwing things out to reframe your feelings and thought, but did not stop and show you the technique.... and then you felt she was short with you and time ended for that session... is that sort of it?
If so, you have every right to discuss this whole situation with her on your next visit.... if you can't say it to her, write it down and hand it to her... It left you unstable and ungrounded and too many questions and self doubt... we forget they are human.... but, she is working for YOU. Please take the risk and get a more clear understanding... you seem to like her and appreciate all she has taught you. Hope good things come from your future conversation with her.

 

[Jice]

Thank you @EveHarrington. You are right I never learned containment. I like the way that sounds in concept, although I am absolutely horrible at imagery. I may give it a try though.

I think I do a sort of containment by compartmentalizing pretty well, but that only works once I am able to "put it away." So maybe practicing containment would flow into compartmentalization.

@ladee yes thank you, that is sort of how it went down. Minus the part about being short with me. She wasn't short, it's just that she made light of me telling her my fear of feeling abandoned in/by therapy.

I do feel like I left a mess. I wasn't dissociated (been there, done that), but I was a crying mess in the middle of a memory that had just been made worse by the whole situation with her. I contacted her right afterwards and told her I can't go there anymore and to cancel my next appointment. She said that if I still felt like that the next day to let her know and she would do so.

I decided I still wanted to go back and talk about this with her. I do so appreciate her. She is amazing and has taught me so much and has been my #1 support. I don't know what happened. I liked all of the approaches she suggested. I so wanted to shift this memory and I feel like I was cheated from being able to do that.

 

[Eagles wings]

I am new here. I can understand feeling that way. I have been in counseling for several months with the same counselor, who is predictable,reliable, very good to work with. Near the finish of most sessions... I start to feel worried about the session ending. It’s my safe place. It’s where I open up, and I don’t know the order of what’s going to come out or how it’s going to make me feel, and I know that for me the time between sessions is hard.
For me I have come to realize I feel insecure at the end of my sessions. And that’s ok. It’s ok for me to feel insecure. It’s even ok that at times I feel abandoned. I am able to step back and also see a broader view... that even though it feels like an insurmountable time until my next visit... it’s ok to not be ok. On the days that are particularly hard that way... i can either reach out to someone for just general support, or I can make sure to simply acknowledge how I feel and give myself permission and even push myself in the direction of more self care in the meantime.

 

[Rose White]

I’m not good at quoting, but Eagleswings, when you said, “or even push myself in the direction of more self care in the meantime,” I could really relate.

When I leave my therapist I usually feel ok because my internal clock is very sharp. One time I went way over and it was on a day when there was a misunderstanding about my appointment time. She just let me go a half hour over because there was no one after me. I told myself I would NEVER allow that to happen again because it messed with my dignity.

But even though I’m okay with leaving, it may start on the drive home or it may start that evening or some time over the next day—the longing. The insatiable longing—for her—for her physical presence, her presence of mind. And that’s where the self-care and creativity and body movement have to be employed to counter to seemingly bottomless pit of longing.

Then by the time my appointment rolls around again I’ve strengthened myself and have to remember how to open up again. I fight with myself to open up. I think, what could I possibly say or talk about that would open me up again?And I usually say enough to do that and then I leave and the cycle begins anew.

 

[whiteraven]

Yes, I feel like this a lot. Even when we don't really talk about anything very heavy during the session. One thing that used to help me (we stopped doing it for some reason) was taking the last 6 or 7 minutes of the session to do something similar to what is described here as containment. We do a mindfulness meditation - usually different each time - that really helps to bring closure to the session, is something we share in, and also helps me relax.