Ending Family Relationships

[Upside Down Eagle]

Maybe I just want to vent, but I am also curious as to what you will think about this. In 2013 I had a confrontation with my uncle, which went something like this (I'll make an attempt to keep it short).

I went to visit him, by public transport. I hadn't gotten much sleep and the travel got to me, I was feeling defensive when I arrived. When I am like that I get an attitude, sometimes come across as arrogant. My uncle noticed and he took personal offense. Nevertheless he offered to bring me home by car, because he had an oven that he wanted to get rid of, and I had agreed to take it off his hands.

In the car I had an attack where I visualized him trying to assault me. It was a horrible car ride. I told him that I was having an attack, and whether we could talk about something, but he didn't even give it a try. The whole thing was a nightmare. I didn't apologize for that day, because I felt like I couldn't have helped being defensive. I've explained it to him like thirty times, but he feels like my victim. He doesn't really want to hear why I acted as I did, at all.

All he wants is just an apology and not to be bothered with my reasons. Not to be bothered by why that car ride was horrible for me. So half a year later I got over my pride and apologized anyway, but he still isn't interested in understanding my position. And honestly I think it's insulting. I tried to understand him, but no effort whatsoever from his side to understand me. I don't want friends like that, and I don't want family like that.

I've had it. I've told him I'm through with communicating with him at all. I feel like he's a coward, taking the easy way. Sometimes confrontations between people can bring them togheter, but this one obviously drives us further apart, so maybe I should just accept that. And let him be where he wants to be: not bothered by anything more complicated than the weather.

 

[digger]

I'm not sure if I'm understanding this right, so apologies if I'm not.

You went to his house in a bad mood (caused by lack of sleep - not by him). You got an attitude with him because you were already in a mood, but again not because of something he did. He gave you a lift home where you visualized him attacking you, but again he didn't actually do anything? And it took you six months to apologise for your behaviour because even though he didn't do anything to cause it you don't think you are responsible for the way you reacted either?

I'm not sure, but I think I'd be kind of pissed too about that. We're you close before this? Are you used to him usually being more supportive and understanding.

Sometimes people don't want to hear all our problems, maybe they have their own shit going on, or maybe they can't handle hearing about it. Or maybe six months on he just felt it was too late to be hearing about it.

I don't really understand why you think he is a coward, but then I don't know your story and how he is connected with it. Is it that you feel he should be facing up to his part in your problems?

Sorry if I'm completely missing the point.

 

[Hashi]

In the car I had an attack where I visualized him trying to assault me.

Wow. And he was giving you a lift and an oven?

Is it realistic to expect him to understand what was going on here? Maybe it was and maybe it wasn't, I'm just wondering.

If you really think he's a coward taking the easy way, does it matter what he thought/did/thinks/might do? If his behaviour was unreasonable, it was unreasonable. End of story. If it wasn't, given the circumstances and where everyone is coming from... Again, just wondering....

 

[arfie]

This would be where I insert what I call "A Sir Line." Let us proceed with a very formal respect. I have also called it, "Granting the Power of the Weather." Said person is gonna do what they are gonna do, but I reserve the right to get out of the rain, seek shade from the overbearing sun or whatever the condition of the day brings. I have also called it "agreeing to disagree". You have your perspective, I have mine. Let us leave it at that and see if we can try a new subject.

To me, family is not about being perfect or illness-free. It is about being complete. I have amputated (ended) more than one family relationship and managed to heal from it, but I still feel like a piece of my life is missing decades after the declared ending of the relationship. Ya gotta do what ya gotta do, but amputating family members is not my preferred solution in my personal book.

Sustaining hopes while you figure out your own current needs, Radise.

 

[Upside Down Eagle]

Thanks for your reactions.

True, he doesn't have a responsbility to understand. It's not his fault, so he doesn't need to be engaged in it. Also, he's not being unreasonable. But I feel like I have no connection at all with him if he can't be even remotely bothered by the fact that I also felt like shit that day. My other friends and family always make an effort to understand, I guess I am very lucky for that. Maybe I've become spoiled.

Sometimes people don't want to hear all our problems, maybe they have their own shit going on, or maybe they can't handle hearing about it. Or maybe six months on he just felt it was too late to be hearing about it.

I explained it to him the week after it happened, though I had too much (misplaced) "pride" to apologize. I have an issue with apologizing to people which entirely my own issue and again not my uncle's fault. I have indeed been having problems with taking responsbility for my own actions, and I'm learning to change it, but at a slow pace.

Is it realistic to expect him to understand what was going on here?

You both are probably right. I did not think about it from this perspective, and no it's probably not a realistic expectation. I just feel like if you are not free to explain your behavior to another person, and have them at least attempt to understand you, then you have a superficial relationship to that person. I'm not sure I care to have any kind of relationship like that.

 

[Hashi]

. I just feel like if you are not free to explain your behavior to another person, and have them at least attempt to understand you, then you have a superficial relationship to that person.

I have to say I think that's a massive expectation.

I'm curious, how much have you attempted to understand him?

 

[Echo]

I guess it might have been extremely hard for your uncle to hear that you were seeing him attack you at a moment he was trying to help. Most men would be terrified of being falsely accused of assault, even though that is presumably not what you were doing. I am presuming he never assaulted you? Maybe he would like some reassurance that you don't suspect him of that and that you feel isolated when family chose not to understand. Are you stating your needs in anger or calmly and logically? I know it is really difficult to do so when you are in the full force of a flashback or panic attack. Sounds to me like you are both hurt and both sides need to voice this.

 

[pamcoco]

My family, or those I used to call such, have been the least helpful and understanding people I have encountered in this trauma. Finally accepting their inability to be anything remotely supportive, I release them from any expectation. I explain nothing, give nothing, expect nothing and am prepared for offense in an unsafe climate. Ironically once I was finally prepared, they attack little and I withhold all gestures to make a mends with those in which my crucifixion is already history. Why waste my limited energy on rectifying my position as the identified patient, something that I actually never chose and cannot control. It's hard to pin down the one that shows no reaction, my only freedom in the blood line.

 

[Upside Down Eagle]

I have to say I think that's a massive expectation.

Thanks for your insight Hashi. It helps, because really I've always thought it was a natural expectation. Can you help me understand your position and tell me how come it's so massive...?

I've attempted to understand him when it came to other things in the past, yes. Before we had an understanding where we supported each other and listened to each other. But no, I didn't really make an effort to understand his position when we had this clash. I was convinced that I was right, that I was entitled to not apologize. I felt like I was finally sticking up for myself, because my whole life I've been apologizing to my parents for the PTSD. So I was thinking way more about my own position than his.

I guess it might have been extremely hard for your uncle to hear that you were seeing him attack you at a moment he was trying to help.

I never thought of that actually. He did say that he felt I was accusing him of things. I've told him that how I felt that day is not his fault. I've told him that my behavior towards him was irrational. I told him that it is not my intention to accuse him of anything and that he didn't do anything wrong, but that I just wanted to explain myself. He doesn't react to that.

Even though I tell him that my only goal is to explain myself, he takes everything I say very personally, as if all my words were a giant judgement of his personality and everything that is wrong with it. But I never said anything like that, and have always remained calm while writing him. I haven't confronted him personally because I think we'll both get mad and make it escalate into some very nasty situation. To me, it feels like he is insecure and that's why he'd rather not discuss it altogheter.

Maybe he would like some reassurance that you don't suspect him of that and that you feel isolated when family chose not to understand.

I told him I was sorry for my lack of trust. I still have problems trusting him though, specially in this situation where I feel that he doesn't want to understand me. Isolated is a really good choice of words. For me, being close to someone makes me trust them more, but when there's distance I have a lot of trouble trusting them or emphatizing with their position.

 

[Barconian]

Is your uncle a proud man? Is he a sensitive person? How scary are you when you are irrational?

 

[Upside Down Eagle]

Is your uncle a proud man? Is he a sensitive person?

He is both, and so am I ;-) I was not very scary. When I had the attack, he didn't notice until I told him I was having an attack, although I didn't specify what was happening until weeks later. I didn't want to tell him "I see you in my head attacking me" on that exact moment.

 

[Barconian]

I didn't want to tell him "I see you in my head attacking me" on that exact moment.

I see where you are coming from @Radise. What if you put more trust into your uncle and keep going back until he hears you?